Loveish Triangles

It was 9PM when she got dropped off from drinks with a friend.  Still tipsy she entered her apartment as her phone went off.

"What are you up to?"  text from JJ.  "Nothing just got home from a couple of drinks."

"Want to go to a house party?  I'm just getting out of the show and they are all going."  He asked.

"Ummmm, well I'm still a little drunk so you'd have to come pick me up." She said, figuring that would be the end of it, and she sat down on her couch.

"I'll be there in five."

Crap.

She brushed her teeth and came downstairs.  As she walked out the front door and looked for him, she spotted him outside of his car on his phone.  He looked up and smiled his adorable schoolboy grin and opened the door for her.  She made a comment that she knew how to get into a car and he stopped her saying that it was the gentlemanly thing to do.

He promised a friend fries so they went to a drive through that took a long time to get through.  While they were waiting he brought up how he didn't like the fact that he was talked about as being a fuckboy on her podcast, anonymously of course.

"Explain it to me.  How are you not a player, a Casanova?" She smirked at him.

"I enjoy the company of people, in general.  I think they are interesting, and I like getting to know them.  Women just aren't used to being treated right."

"You can say that again.  There's a whole stand-up about it.  I'm not used to it at all.  There's a thin line between being yourself, your own person, not needing anyone else...and letting someone do things for you."

"Just accept it.  You deserve to be treated well...just let it happen."

Still, in her mind, she resisted.  She could hold doors for herself.  Getting her own drink was fine.  And yet, her main love language was and is Acts of Service...why wouldn't she let herself accept the love she should feel she deserved?

When they arrived at the party she got up to get a drink and JJ stopped her and asked what she wanted.  She said that she just wanted some water but she could get it herself.  He said he was getting it, and they both said at the exact same time: "We just talked about this."

She sighed and sat down, allowing him to grab her cup of water with tons of ice.  It was going to be a hard road to just let him be a gentleman.

She managed to let it ride the whole night.  He got her water, flitted around talking to everyone but always came back to her.  She was on her phone and he asked who she was talking to, and she said Banana was out downtown with some of her drunk high school friends.

"We could go there."

So they said goodbye to all the remaining people and got back into his truck.  Making their way back downtown, they talked more about him not wanting to ever be tied down to one person, actually be in a relationship.  He said he'd never want to be in one, and sex just wasn't all that important to him.  She smiled as Mel had told her a slightly different version of the story, but she firmly put it into the "not her business" category in her mind.

They got to the bar and realized Banana's friends were beyond wasted.  She was trying to get them all to go to the next bar, but it was like herding cats.  She and JJ followed them around for awhile, holding hands and he made fun of her hand holding.  "You don't interlace the fingers, you hold hands like mittens?  My thumb goes on top!" She laughed and they walked until they had round up all of Banana's friends and moved to the next spot.

They spent some time with Banana at the bar, until one of her friends made an insensitive joke.  JJ took a minute and stepped outside because he was angry at the joke.  She brushed it off because not only was the joke not funny, but he was too drunk to know what he was talking about.  JJ came back in and ordered a water, drained it quickly, and then put his hand on her knee.  He played with the fabric on her dress until he had moved it aside and caressed her bare knee.  Suddenly, he squeezed it playfully to get her attention.

"Ready to go?"

It was around 3:45 in the morning, so she figured it was time.  They had raged hard enough, even though she felt perfectly sober.

He held open the door of his truck for her, and they breezed along the half mile to her apartment.  He hopped out of the car, opened her door for her, and grabbed her hand again as he walked her to the front door of the building.

He reached out and kissed her, and they made out for a little while.  She was glad to have the redemption of another round of kissing where she wasn't sloppy drunk, but she found his kisses to be...not as bold as she would've liked.  Still, it was pleasant to have a guy who wanted to kiss her, even if it wasn't ever going to go anywhere.

She was smiling as she went upstairs, got on her PJs, and put her head hit the pillow.

Then her phone rang.  It was the intercom system for the building.

It was 5AM.

She hesitated, then answered.

Chill 3rd Date

The maybe romance had been whirlwind.  Already on their third date, he said he felt like they should go on a normal one and get dinner and a movie.

They decided on a pizza place next to the theatre and got to talking about his upcoming trip.  His eyes got excited as he talked about it, and how he'd love to take his kids someday.  A little piece of her twinged, knowing that they'd never really end up long hauling it because she was pretty much past child bearing age at this point.

They missed the movie again, and he said he could just take her home or they could go out for a drink.  She said she was down for either one, but sensed he just wanted to go home.  Instead, they stopped at one of her favorite bars to get a drink.

They sat outside and amused themselves by watching the drunk people walking by.  After one drink he said he would take her home.

In the car, he confessed he started not feeling well in the middle of dinner.

"Oh my gosh, why didn't you just tell me so that you could've just taken me home?  I feel bad!"

He grinned shyly and said, "I wanted to spend more time with you."

She blushed.  "You are so cute."

"I'm just gonna stop in the alley way and give you a quick kiss goodnight, is that okay?" He asked.

It was.

Later on she realized it was the last time she'd see him for a couple of weeks.  She got a little sad.

Hotel Life

Mel texted the weekend after their first date.  "I got a room at the big resort for the next two nights so I'm staying there.  Want to come to the hotel bar for a drink?  My treat of course."

It was a weeknight, and she hesitated before reminding herself that her life was her own and she could do what she wanted to do.  So what if she was a little tired at work the next day?  She was an adult.

She got there just as last call was happening at the bar.  She ordered a dirty martini that he adorably turned his nose up at.  For being a bartender and a wedding DJ, he certainly didn't appreciate the strong booze.

They talked and laughed and finished their drinks.  He was a little shy when suggesting that they get another drink and take it up to the room.

"Just as long as you get that I'm not having sex with you up there."  She said, stern but smiling.

"I'm not expecting anything...well maybe some light making out."  He smiled back.

The room had a big kitchen, a living room, a huge bathroom, and a doorless bedroom.  She was impressed and went to the window to check out the view.  About a minute later he came up behind her and reached down and hugged her from behind.  She felt a bit of a stab in her heart as she realized that she and Piz had done that with her view all the time.  She tried to shake off the feeling.

"You know the LED screen on the side of this building lights up my entire apartment?  It's insane."

"Seriously?  You are like halfway across town, that's crazy!"

"Right?"

A comfortable silence came between them, and soon he turned her around and kissed her.  The kissing intensified, and she felt him gently guiding her towards the bedroom.  She playfully called him on it and he looked ashamed as she laughed and led him by the hand into the bedroom to the bed, kicking off her shoes as she went.

Soon enough his hands were under her shirt, and she told him about her quid pro quo.  She took his shirt off and he struggled with her sports bra and she giggled at him.

They wore each other out without anyone's pants coming off, and they fell into cuddling soon after.

His phone kept going off and she grabbed it and downloaded apps that made his phone better.  She texted with JJ and laughed as JJ told Mel about her sexual preferences that he had gleaned from her podcast.  Mel laughed and said that JJ was his best friend.

About an hour after falling asleep she woke up uncomfortable.  Her thyroid had been burned out and she felt like she got hit by a truck.

She was sort of done with being there.  She gave him a kiss, slightly waking him up, and told him that she was going home.  He wanted to walk her to her car, and she told him to just go back to sleep.  He asked her to text him when he was home safe, which she did.  It was a pretty racy but awesome second date.

Meteor Showers of Feels

There was a lot of buzz around the meteor shower, and she loved going out and watching them.  She and the ex had been in an astronomy class together in college.  She smiled as she remembered everyone cheating off him in the final.

If she wanted to be friends with him she was going to have to do the hard things.  She texted him and asked if he was busy.  He was so clueless that he didn't even know a meteor shower was going on.

As they drove out to the middle of nowhere, it was very reminiscent of the wedding they went to awhile back.  The conversation was raw, hard.  She talked about how much she felt like the divorce was a death.

He took a big breath before telling her that he loved so much that she was able to put what he was feeling into words.  She had almost forgotten that she had left him without an emotion interpreter.  He'd never been good at it, but then again he almost never had them at all.

Until she brought all of them upon him.

She guessed that the guilt wasn't over with yet.

Dating Trickery

"I always have a fun time when you are around!"

Mel had worn her down with his boyish charm and she agreed to go see a movie with him.  Friendly, innocent...seemed okay.

"Do you want to grab some food before the movie?"

Well, she was going to be hungry after work.  She could eat.

Then he suggested sushi.  "Crap," she thought.  It was a date.

"I can't really afford sushi.  I can do tacos or pizza."

"It's all my treat!  I'm down for sushi if you are.  I'll just take it easy with my mouth, I was at the dentist this morning."

"You don't need to do that." She said.  He persisted.

She didn't mean to...but she was going on a date.

They missed the movie while eating sushi and talking.  They walked down the street to a late night coffee house and continue to talk.  He was so earnest and shy, and more introverted than she expected him to be.  Her heart softened towards him, as it had a couple of years ago when she held him while he cried about his ex-girlfriend coming to their show.

He walked her home, back to the alley that she jokingly referred to as "the scene of the crime."

His 6'2" stance widened as they talked at her door.

"Well," He said, "Since you didn't want this to be a date, I won't kiss you goodnight."

Her eyebrow raised and her voice laughed as she said "Really?  Really?"

"Well...okay then." He grabbed her and the kiss was electric.  Just like the first time.

"Do it again soon?" He asked.

"Yes please" she replied.

You Can Go Home Again

She felt sad, then numb.  The divorce had gone through.  It was over.  It was just a piece of paper, but PJ was right, it felt different.

She went out to coffee with a friend after work, and they talked about everything they could talk about besides her divorce.  It was nice and refreshing, as they hadn't spent time together too much until that night.

She put on her headphones and started the walk home and decided to take a different path, through a road with very little streetlights and tons of trees.

It was calming and relaxing to walk through the closest thing she got to nature.  She realized about halfway home, that she was actually heading home.

That studio was actually where she lived.  This was the first time she had called it home in her mind and headed there.  She had the sudden realization that she was, blissfully, alone.  Her decisions were her own.  Her choices didn't change anyone else's reality anymore.  She was, albeit calmly, free.

She no longer felt like going on the dating sites.  She didn't feel that insane push to prove that she was worthy of being loved anymore.  The pressure melted away.  The judgment from everyone else faded.

She was finally home, in herself, for the first time in her life.

It was a nice feeling.

D-Day

"Got the divorce proclamation from the judge today.  That went a lot quicker than I thought." Her ex texted her.

She felt a stab go through her heart.  She'd just checked the website a couple of days ago and it wasn't even loaded on yet.

"I'm surprised we didn't have to go in" He texted.

She wondered if the letter was sitting in her mailbox.  The other night she'd been so drunk she tried to open her front door with her mail key and bent it, so she hadn't gotten mail in a little over a week.

"I guess that's it then?" She asked.

"I guess so..." He answered.

"I'm really sorry" she responded.

"I know.  Me too."

Friends in Low Places

It had been an insane Saturday.

She spent a fair amount of time in bed that morning, continuing to fall asleep until she had to get up to go to Banana's play.  She was running later than she felt comfortable, but as it turned out there were people still buying tickets when she arrived.

She walked into the theatre and the volunteer asked if she knew where she was sitting.  She started to say that she thought so but would like a little help.

No more than a couple of sentences into her explanation she glanced up to see JJ.  He grinned and slowly reached over and patted the seat next to his.

She returned his smile and told the volunteer that her seating arrangement had suddenly changed.

"I'm so hungover.  We kept drinking and walked a mile to the bar that MG had driven to after dropping you off."

"Ya'll are crazy.  I don't know how you put up with 21 that long.  He's a handful."

JJ shrugged.  "I like people who talk."

"Then why do you like me?" She laughed at him.

"Well I don't only like them."

He bought her chips for "their" hangover during intermission, then had to sneak out afterward because he had another social commitment.

She hugged Banana and congratulated her on her role of the lifetime, then had to move onto her next social commitment.

Her co-workers were waiting for her at the restaurant.  She declined a cocktail at dinner, and they went on to see KSL's show.  It hit her a little hard again as she watched, and there was a song about how his character had never been alone before, and it obviously struck a nerve.  She was afraid of when the paperwork went through and she'd be all alone, for the first time in her life.

She left her co-workers and went downstairs to say hi to the cast.  KSL gave her a warm hug, and it was the first time in a long time they had hugged.  She buried her face in his chest and breathed in.  His smell hit her with a powerful nostalgia.  He commented on how good the hug had been, and they went in for another.

"You okay?" He asked her.  She shook her head no.  All the sensations from the papers filed weighed down on her.  It was as if all the sentiments from the last year were concentrated in this moment.

"You need to talk?" He asked, already on high alert.  She wanted to say no but ended up nodding her head.  He said he needed to speak with some people first and then they could head out.  She ended up talking to the musical director about the show, and she shared that it was hitting her harder because of the divorce.  The musical director was shocked that they had been separated at all, so it was extra difficult to talk about.  Eventually, the director left and she was chatting it up for awhile with the bartenders.

She heard KSL laugh over where he was surrounded by people, and her heart sank.  She didn't want to do this to him anymore.  He was having fun and she was being a burden.  She said goodbye to the bartenders and left.

Halfway home she felt guilty that she'd left without a word, and texted him that she was going home.  He texted a few minutes later that he was done, and came up for a drink.  They talked and watched fireworks from her balcony, and she shared the feelings she was grappling with in regards to the divorce.

She joked about having celebration sex because she just got her results back and she was std free.  He said he knew she was kidding, and she kept quiet because she didn't want to start anything or have any sex bruises before the sex with Nameless next week.  She needed that to happen to take her mind off everything, and she was really starting to miss him.

She and KSL went to Wal-mart for thank you notes for him and milk for her, and on the way he mentioned the Memorial Day trip she didn't write about.  He wanted to know if it was because she was angry about it when in reality nothing had really happened.  They had gone to the lesser known lake to hang and found it crazy busy, so they kept driving and went to Ikea and to sushi, where he claimed to have gotten violently ill even though they ate all the same things and she felt fine.

Looking back she realized maybe that was why she'd forgotten to write about it.  He'd managed to make her feel bad about the entire trip so she put the whole day out of her mind.  It was crazy how good they had gotten at their friendship, but there were still an insane amount of land mines to avoid.

A Little Too Much Fun

It was 21's birthday again, and they decided to have another epic night of drinking, sans DUI this time.

Everyone had their shows to perform/direct/attend, so they all decided to meet up later in the night.  Acrobat and SD crapped out just before everyone was supposed to meet up, so it ended up being their directors from the show last year, MG, and a mutual friend JJ.

She and JJ had been flirting almost since they met a couple of years ago.  It was purely innocent and sweet, and she enjoyed his company.  He had been there for the Harmless Fun night, where she told him she'd make out with him if he came.  He accidentally brought a friend, rendering making out null and void, which is why she ended up making out with the other boy.

She remembered making out with JJ, and 21 trying to make out with her...but the rest of the night, up to a certain point, was a blur.  MG informed her that at a certain point she had fallen asleep on a toilet.

She decided that it was time to stop abusing alcohol so much.  She had a bad week and deserved to act out a bit...but the time was over.

Mountains of Haze

It was Fire Season.  Even though they'd had a great, wet winter...the summer had turned dry and there were fires all around the surrounding area.  The last few days had filled the valley with smoke.

One morning she woke up, and for the third day in a row she couldn't see the mountains.

She hadn't realized until then how much she had counted on them to be there.  She became anxious and felt exposed.  It was like a blanket that had been ripped away from her and she grew cold.

It had been quite a week of emotions too.  Getting to be okay with Nameless and where they were heading...coming to terms with the fact that she had made out with someone without any sort of emotions attached to it.

On her end, anyway.

Mel had messaged her, asking what she was doing on Saturday, a mere 8 days after the incident.  He was marching in a Pride Parade and wanted her to come.  She told him she had breakfast plans with the Unicorn and then a facial later that day.  He then asked what she was doing Friday.  Luckily she had plans to go out drinking with her Maid of Honor.

"If you don't want to go just tell him that.  If it hurts his feelings he'll get over it." JJ advised her.

"I've just seen him get really emotional and over attached."  She messaged back.

"Oh yeah.  Definitely.  But like I said, if you're not feeling it then just tell him."

"I did.  Guess I'll have to keep doing it."

Murder on the 16th Floor

As it turned out, the paperwork they had filled out was the wrong one.  She forwarded the correct paperwork to him, asked him to fill it out and give it to her mother, as she was seeing her the following Sunday.

Sunday came around and her mother brought all her junk mail, but was missing the divorce paperwork.  She claimed to have not known about it at all.

She texted the ex and asked him where it was, as now she was going to have to drive all the way back to her mother's house to get it.  He made the limp excuse that he thought she was swinging by anyway and he had left it on the kitchen table.  Her mother's hoarder style dining room table.  It was going to take her a decade to find it.

She was already running late, so she found the paperwork and left without seeing anyone in the house.  Her sister and her boyfriend were out, and her ex wasn't home either.

The next day she went to the court.  She ended being up in the wrong office, but they told her to go to the aid office to have them check the paperwork before going over to the correct building.

Smart move, because it turned out that she actually needed a friend to sign a portion saying that she had lived in the state for the appropriate amount of time.  She also needed to be at work in the next half hour.

In a panic, she called SD who she knew had the day off.  She was out, but said "Just sign my name to it, no bigs."

She wasn't about to forge a legal document that meant so much to her.

She messaged everyone she could think of, and even considered going into work early to see if a co-worker would do it.  She walked down the street next to where she and KSL had their first D&M, sat down and tried to control her tears.  For a fleeting moment she considered KSL who also had the day off.  She shrugged it off almost immediately, as he didn't even have a working car to reach her to sign anything.  If she didn't get everything signed then the dates were wrong and she'd have to start all over.

Finally she got a hold of Goldie who was coming back from a treatment and was feeling nauseous.  She was a true friend and stopped by her work to fill out the paperwork for her.

Then during her lunch break, she walked back over to the right place, paid $400, and filed the paperwork.

She immediately felt a wave of regret, guilt, and utter sadness.  There had been a murder, and she was a criminal.

Pesky Memories

Facebook memories dredged up the bitter reminder of how one year ago, she made her split Facebook Official.

It took her by surprise so much that she slumped down into her couch, and slowly felt herself unravel.  This had officially gone on long enough.  She cried, for 20 solid minutes...before texting her ex.

"Well Facebook is a real asshole and reminded me that it's been a year since we told everyone we were done.  I can't stop crying."

Seconds later her phone started to ring.  It was her ex.

They talked, cried, and hyperventilated with each other for 4 hours.

The question that she had been dreading for over a year finally came.

"Are you sure this is what you want?  Can't you give me another chance?"

She drew a ragged breath.  Tears again filled her eyes as she struggled to remain strong.

"If I gave you another chance....and the same thing happened again"

He interrupted.   "You'd have every right to be mad at me then."

"You think this is about mad, about hate?" She asked him.  She didn't wait for an answer.  "It's never been about that.  It's about love.  If I gave you another chance and the same thing happened, I would be devastated. Devastated.  I don't have the strength to leave you a second time.  If the same thing happened...I would end my life.  Please don't think I'm exaggerating, I'm not saying this to be dramatic."

"I still think about you everyday."

"I still feel guilty everyday."

They decided to get together to sign the paperwork in a few days.