The Big Apple Day 6

 Her last day of classes were about a half day, and her flight left around 6pm.  She decided that she would check out early and have the front desk hold her luggage so she could do the NBC tour and do a final walk around Rockefeller Center, and visit the shops that had always been closed when she walked by.  

After her last class she headed over and walked around until her scheduled tour, and by accident found out there was an entire mall beneath 30 Rock.  She walked around looking at everything, visited the bottom portion where the ice skating rink was.  She wanted to ice skate but there was no where to store her purse, and she thought it would feel awkward in her big coat and purse trying to traverse the ice.  She went to spend more time in the NBC gift shop and ended up buying a few more gifts for KSL.  She honestly couldn't decide on just one, and knew if he were with her he'd be having a blast just looking over all the SNL items.  She finally settled on a Weekend Update mug and decided she would need to put it in her backpack to make sure it didn't break.

She bought a "Radio City Music Hall" magnet for herself out of their tiny gift shop, and then headed back for the tour.  She had wanted to stop into Magnolia bakery one last time but decided she didn't quite have enough time to sit down and eat anything.  While she walked around she got a text from her mom saying that they were not going to let her into the airport or on her flight due to something called the coronavirus.  Her mom also lost her mind during swine flu, so she laughed it off and continued on her way.

The studio tour was fun, she didn't regret going on it but she was left feeling a bit unimpressed.  She walked around a bit more and did some shopping at Uniqlo, her favorite store that wasn't in her hometown.  She purchased a shirt that felt amazing and she was angry at herself that she hadn't made more time to shop there sooner, as the shirt could've been worn the entire week and she would have felt more comfortable.  Everyone had told her that it would be bitterly cold and she'd believed them, but she ended up just carrying her giant coat everywhere rather than wearing it.  She made a mental note to order more online from this store in the future.

It was still early, but not early enough for her to really embark on a brand new adventure before she had to leave for the airport.  She headed back to the hotel for her bags, changed in the bathroom to her new shirt and hoodie, then attempted to put her coat into her luggage.  No dice, she couldn't fit it with all the gifts she had purchased for everything.  Defeated, she headed out the door pulling up her Lyft app.

The doorman, who had been incredibly friendly throughout her stay, asked if she needed a ride anywhere.  She was about to say she was getting a lift to the airport, when she realized he was gesturing to a taxi cab already parked out front.  As her company was footing the bill, she supposed it didn't much matter how she got there.  The driver launched her luggage into the truck, and she was imminently thankful that KSL's mug was safely in her backpack, which she held onto.

All the rides she had taken in New York all felt a bit chaotic, but also like the pulse of the city.  It was like a ballet, everyone knew where to go and what to do.

That wasn't the case with this ride.

This man, who mostly spoke in a language she couldn't place, careened around the first few blocks as if the streets of New York City were his own personal pinball game.  

"You pay cash" He stated to her, devoid of all feeling.

"Excuse me?" She said, taken aback.

"You pay cash."

"I need a receipt, I'm here on business."

"I give you receipt, you pay in cash."

"I don't think I have enough cash to give you.  How much to JFK?"

"$50"

It was literally all the money she had left.  She hoped that she didn't need it at the airport for any reason.

When they got to the airport, after almost getting into three thousand accidents in Queens, he stopped in the middle of 3 lanes of traffic and put her bag on the curb so that she had to choice but to throw the money at him and go after it.  She looked at the receipt and found an empty sheet of paper with an empty amount line and a clip art of a taxi cab, and nothing else.  She felt scammed.

She found herself behind a Hassidic couple at TSA, and because she could, she watched them carefully.  They didn't speak to one another, and they didn't even seem to have a connection beyond just existing side by side.  He wasn't overly nice to her, and she didn't seem to expect it.  It was fascinating to watch, this silent partnership joined only by faith...and not even faith of each other, just faith in their shared religion.

New York had been an incredibly unique experience, and strangely one that she was forced to experience all by herself.  She both loved and hated that she'd been alone for the duration, but she had gotten to do exactly what she wanted as soon or as late as she wanted to do it, and for that she was grateful.

She would never forget her first time, and hoped it wouldn't be her last.

The Big Apple Day 4-5

The fourth day was spent at classes for her conference.  She'd meticulously set up her schedule so that after the newcomers breakfast she was jam packed with things until the group lunch.  She ran into an old co-worker from a decade ago and sat at her table.  She heard her old boss from there had gotten bumped up after the venue decided to go with another company to manage their shows.  It seems she'd left that job just in time.

After the day was complete she went back to her room across the street.  She didn't have anything more that day until she had to go to Times Square for a networking party.  She decided that since she didn't find anything during her walk the day before, she would try Shake Shack and have them deliver it to the hotel, since the hotel's room service menu would've ended up costing her another $50.  She ran down to get her meal and then sat at her hotel desk in the room and ate.  It was good, but about average.  She was glad she tried it, and it did give her the energy she needed to get down to the party.

She looked at the map and decided that it was a bit far to walk, but she wanted to be able to take in as much of the city as possible which could only be done by walking.  So she left a little early and walked down the now closed stores of 5th Ave window shopping.

Times Square was a street she turned onto, so as she rounded the corner it felt like it slapped her directly in the face.  The address she had for the party was in fact an entire block of Broadway, and she had to find the one unmarked door.  She circled several times, and the overload of stimuli made it so she actually walked down the street to the Lyric Theatre where Harry Potter was performing so she could catch her breath.  She ended up running into the Bubba Gump and asking them for directions but they were completely unhelpful.  She finally found the unmarked door and went into the party.  She was covered in panic attack sweat by the time she made it upstairs, but tried her best to shake it off and socialize.  She hated the idea of "networking" for the sake of it, she found it very performative, but she tried her best to connect with as many people as possible.  She asked about their theatres and took photos out the window of the NYE ball that was still lit in the main section of Times Square.  After an hour she had spoken to everyone at the party and decided to go.  Her late night walk back was quiet and reflective, and she fell asleep very quickly at her hotel room.

The following day she picked up breakfast from Joe and the Juice instead of her $50 bagel from the hotel and went to class.  

After the day of classes were complete, instead of going to the country music concert for the conference, she took a Lyft down to her cousin J's job.  She showed her around the massive offices and they grabbed some food from a party they were having in one of the rooms.  Soon they decided to take off and go to a "speakeasy" called Angel's Share where she had a "New York New York" cocktail which was delightful.  Then they had a chat about where they wanted to eat.  "I really want to eat in a NYC deli before I leave, I feel like I have to or I won't be able to live with myself."

Katz's Deli was nearby, but J suggested 2nd St Deli instead.  She said it was a bit more authentic and Katz almost always had a huge line.  She opted for 2nd street and they were off.  J ordered a bit of everything and 2 matzo ball soups and they dined like kings.  She talked about how she weirdly never felt closer to her Jewish roots than she did in the city.  J said that it was understandable and it did feel more authentic in the city.  J was the type of person who could always find something cool in any town and make even the most mundane of experiences amazing.  She was sad to say goodbye to her, but eventually they got into their respective Lyfts and headed in opposite directions.

On the ride home they drove around Grand Central Station, and it felt like a dream seeing it.  She had to check her map to make sure that was what she was actually seeing, and got very excited when she realized she had guessed correctly.  She still found it strange that just existing in the city, walking the streets, felt more magical than any "sight" she'd seen so far.  This must be why so many people wanted to live there.

She didn't want to leave.

The Big Apple Day 3

 She had chosen The Warwick not just because it was the less pricy of all the hotels, but because of it's history.  She liked that William Randolph Hearst had built it for his girlfriend in 1926, so she could walk the short half-block to work at Ziegfeld.  As soon as she'd walked into the hotel, she knew she'd never want to stay anywhere else again.  The beautiful hotel felt instantly like she was meant to be there, and the room was so large she thought there might have been a mistake that she was unwilling to correct.  She was able to hang up her clothes in the closet as well as store her luggage in it, and she flung herself onto the bed with delight.  

It was comfortable, cozy, and welcoming.  It was at the end of the hallway so there was very little noise, and the only thing she lacked was a view, which she could do without.  The darkness assisted her sleep and she was almost afraid she would sleep her entire week away.

Eventually she pulled herself out of bed and after a $50 breakfast at Murals she walked across the street to the Hilton to register for her conference.  She almost regretted not staying there as she saw people walking around without having to lug their coat everywhere they went.  She felt squished into her seat at the theatre the night before with her coat, and had accepted that she would feel fat and in the way everywhere indoors in NYC.

After reading through her credentials, including a note instructing her to remove her lanyard when outside the hotel as it subjected the wearer to more theft on the street, she walked downstairs and got in line for the tour of Radio City Music Hall.  One of her favorite movies as a child was Annie, and the idea of even walking into the idea of "buying out the 8 o'clock show" was overwhelming.

As it turns out, there were too many people who wanted the exact same thing, and they were told to disperse for an hour and a half and then return for a tour.  She decided that was the perfect amount of time to try for High Tea at The Plaza.  

Sadly, because of it's popularity due to Bride Wars, Eloise, and Home Alone 2 amongst other films, The Plaza didn't actually allow anyone inside unless they were staying at the hotel.  Her High Tea Hopes dashed, she settled for the food court pho in the basement shops.  She considered buying something in the Eloise shop, but she knew she wouldn't use whatever it was and it would just be a waste of space back home.

Back at Radio City, she had a fantastic time.  She was sad that the "backdoor tour" didn't include actually going into the theatre itself, but they were rehearsing a performance of some kind.  She wished she'd been able to see a show while she was there, especially one with a Rockette, but she did get to meet one on the tour.  She had accepted before the trip that she wouldn't be able to do everything she wanted to do and had made peace with it.

She was shocked to see that the NBC studios were literally across the street, and people were flowing in and out of the doorway freely.  She shrugged and walked through the door to see where it would lead her.  She had nothing until a networking welcome party much later that night.

Inside was the entrance to the NBC studio tour, as well as the gift shop.  She wandered the shop, sending photos to KSL that she thought would amuse him.  She continued down the corridor to see if anything else was of interest and came out the other side of the building.  She continued her walk outside and realized something looked familiar about where she was, even though she'd never been there before.  

Could it be?  It looked like Rockefeller Center, except much smaller.  She looked around and then at Google Maps and found she was actually there.  She stood there shocked.  It was so small.  It felt like a miniature version of everything she'd seen on TV.  The skating rink below was smaller than the one they set up in a parking lot in her hometown every winter.  

She walked around FAO for awhile, shocked at it's small size as well.  She bought some things for The Ex, as a thank you for driving her home from the airport.  She took a picture of children playing on the big piano.  Overall she was unimpressed, as it was only a bit larger than the KB Toys in her local mall back home.

There was an energy to the streets though, that just called out to her.  She started to walk.  There was so much in that area that felt familiar even though she'd never been there, and she continued to walk with purpose, but with no destination.  She walked past the 21 Club, the Museum of Modern Art, sadly all closed at the late hour.

She wished she'd had more time to sightsee while everything was open.  So much for the city that never sleeps.

She was starting to get hungry and decided she would continue to walk until she found a place to stop that looked like interesting food she'd never heard of before.

She never found it.  She suddenly realized how cold it had become and how she had ignored it for too long.  Her heart rate quickened as her mind caught up with what her body was telling her.

She had to get back to her hotel.

Luckily there was hardly anyone on the street and she made her way back quickly.  She took a hot shower and tried to weakly get ready for the party.  Instead she turned up the heat and crawled into her bed where she remained the rest of the evening.

The Big Apple Day 2

She woke up in Brooklyn once again, and she was already wishing she could stay there.  She played with the cats, put the bed back into it's original couch configuration, and she and the cousins were on their way to walking through Williamsburg.

After stopping for some (horrible) coffee in a bakery so small she could barely stand to be in there before it triggered her claustrophobia, the scenery slowly changed around them.  Signs popped up in Hebrew, school buses, and buildings with landings that were fully enclosed.  It looked as if it was a wild animal cage, but the animal was sleeping inside.  There was a sign she snapped a photo of that said "Build a Sukkah" some Hebrew, and a phone number. Her cousins informed her that people built them on their little zoo-like landings, and she never thought she'd see a sign like that, plain as day, the way that they advertised Christmas trees everywhere else in the country.

She especially delighted in the various ads on the sides of buildings advertising Hassidic men's clothing.  It was so much more fancy than the ladies, who just had various wig shops with no advertising whatsoever.  In fact, all the women she saw rarely varied in dress.  Long sleeved black dresses, heavy nude colored pantyhose, a delicate necklace, and a brown wig.  The wig even had the same blunt cut bangs; she never saw anything different on anyone.  Of course she didn't take any pictures of them, knowing that would be incredibly disrespectful.

Then just as suddenly as when it started, the Hassidic section of Williamsburg was over and the Hipster part of town began.  Forget Portland; this is clearly where Hipster culture had been birthed.  Here was the $14 avocado toast on every corner, and overpriced fashions.  Here is where she decided to buy her hoodie from Brooklyn Industries, her one big purchase.  Then they decided to stop for lunch at the epitome of hipster; the Williamsburg Hotel.

The brick building was beautiful, and the winding staircase down to The Restaurant (no seriously that's the actual name) was.  They went back and forth on what to eat, and decided they were too hungry to just do High Tea.  She was a little disappointed because she'd always wanted to have high tea, but she had also decided that was something she wanted to do at The Plaza later, like Eloise.

They had amazing drinks, great food, and generally had a good time.  They went downstairs to the bathrooms for a quick empty before starting down the street again, and in the hallway she found the most interesting toile wallpaper.  She felt foolish for fixating on something as strange as wallpaper, but she couldn't stop staring at it.  It looked like a china pattern dedicated to everything Brooklyn.  They had the train, the Cyclone, a bust of Biggie Smalls, and a gaggle Hassidic Men kvetching down a street.  It beautifully encompassed everything the borough was about, and she wished she could stand there forever.

 Eventually they walked down to Artists & Fleas indoor market.  She wanted to buy everything that said Brooklyn on it, but decided on two magnets; one of an octopus invading the Brooklyn Bridge, and the other a polaroid spitting out a photo of the Manhattan skyline.  After they were done there they went to Devoion for coffee, and took a walk to Domino Park.  After watching a fantastic sunset, they took a lyft back to the apartment so that she could pack up and be on her way into Manhattan for a Sunday performance of Beetlejuice.

As she crossed over the bridge she was suddenly struck with a thought; This is where America started.  All of us came from here, even if we've never been here.  New York City really is everyone's hometown.

She quickly checked into the hotel, the Warwick.  She threw her stuff into the room and started walking to the Winter Garden Theatre.  It didn't look that far and she didn't want to be late.

She could see Times Square in the distance as she approached, and a huge line.  She knew she shouldn't talk to people, or seem weak on the street, but she didn't want to make a mistake either.  "Excuse me, what is this line for?" She asked the people on the end.  They said Beetlejuice, so she stood behind them.  She ended up talking to them as they made their way to the front.  They were taking their chances with the stand by line.  She knew she had a ticket in will call, but didn't want to seem like she was jumping a line.

It quickly became obvious that it was the right decision.  Her company had purchased her tickets, and she was shown to will call once she reached the front.  They were the house seats, and she found herself a mere 5 rows from the stage.  She was overcome with emotion; theatre had been her life for so long, and she was finally seeing a Broadway show.

The show itself was charming, but she was struck with the obvious thought that almost every actor had a sort of twin role in physical form.  Beetlejuice could have been played by any of the male characters.  Barbara and Delia were similar enough they could have switched places.  She'd never noticed this in any other show before, and she wondered if that was just how it was done, so that the show could go on no matter what.  She still had fun with the people sitting next to her, gave them tips on how to get house seats more often, and had to pee like crazy by the time the show got out.  She rounded the corner to Ellen's Stardust Diner to see if she could use the bathroom there, but found the line to get in longer than any line she would've stood in to get into a club in Vegas.  Forgetting completely about the stage door, she hightailed it back the 7 blocks to her hotel room.

The Big Apple Day 1

In the morning she heard her cousin M open up their bedroom door, and their sandy colored pit bull padded out and jumped on the pull out bed into her lap.  She'd missed him a lot since the years they'd met in her cousin's Oakland Tidal Canal loft.  The dog was the sweetest, and she snuggled with him for a bit before her cousin's came out of their room.

Her cousin's had thought ahead and bought some authentic NYC bagels to eat, but toasted them so she didn't really know if they were any better than anywhere else or not.  No matter, as they decided to take a taxi to DUMBO and walk on the pier.  

They arrived and she could see they were close to the Manhattan bridge, and they walked towards and then under the Brooklyn bridge.  She could see how the Brooklyn Bridge was easily the most beautiful one she'd seen so far in New York.  M informed her that no matter when you walked the bridge, it was always full of French tourists for some reason.  "French is practically the national language of the Brooklyn Bridge."

They ducked into the Time Out Market to check out the food stalls.  There were so many to choose from she became overwhelmed.  She was shocked to find that some Jewish stalls were closed for the Sabbath. Because she'd left behind being religious when she was a child, she was surprised that there was a community still very much keeping up with it.  She asked he cousin's about the Hasidic couples she saw the night before, and they said that Williamsburg was basically full of them, and that's why she'd seen them.  She would've seen more if it hadn't been for the Sabbath keeping most of them inside.  The assured her they'd go there tomorrow and check out the neighborhood.  She couldn't wait.

They continued to walk along the East river; passing Jane's Carousel, stopping to take photos under the bridge as the snow gently began to fall.  It didn't stick, didn't intrude, just added the the atmosphere.  Brooklyn was different than NYC.  She knew this without even crossing the bridge.  People lived here, things were not as intense.

They walked around Pier 2, a park that was partially under some structures so that it could be enjoyed even with the elements all around them.  It was charming to see that you could swing while staring out at NYC.  She was shocked at how small the Statue of Liberty looked out on the water.

They looped back to the bridge and ate at Juliana's.  They waited in line for a while, and when they got inside the place was packed and small.  She was sensing a theme with the places they were going to, and hadn't prepared herself for the small spaces of the East Coast.  She ordered an egg cream and they enjoyed authentic NYC pizza.  No one back home would have forgiven her if she'd missed out on pizza.

They decided that even though it was late in the day, they should shoot over to the Brooklyn museum and sneak in a bit of time there before they closed.  

They listened to an album by Mos Def while walking around a room with others also listening to the album at the same time.  They walked around and were amazed by JR's larger than life art, and they ran through the rest of the museum before they could get kicked out.

They decided to go for a drink at Tooker Alley, and got a seat by the entrance and looked across Washington to the people in the Nancy Lincoln apartments coming home and starting their dinner.  Because all three of them were writers, they improved a story about a couple as they moved through their nightly routine.

They decided to move onto Butter and Scotch, but found the place jam packed.  They decided instead of drinks they would order some brownies to go, then go back and eat their Mekelburg's leftovers for dinner.  

They ended the night with a comedy special on Netflix and wonderful food and conversation.  It had been a perfect first day, even if it had been a day late.

The Big Apple Night 1 Part 2

 A Hasidic couple was stopped in front of a taxi, like a deer in the headlights would have been back home.

She hadn't prepared for this at all.  She had no idea that this subgroup of her religion was still even in existence in that way.  The man's Shtreimel was so large she was shocked it hadn't fallen off when they had stopped suddenly.  The woman's Sheitel was mostly covered in a black head wrap, or a Tichel, only her blunt cut bangs were visible. 

She texted KSL.  She had to tell someone what she just saw who wouldn't judge her on how completely naïve she felt in the moment.  Less than a minute later she saw another couple, this one the woman was wearing a full turban style Tichel.  She snuck a picture of them as they sped by.

Her cousin M met her as the taxi pulled up.  He took her luggage up the three flights of stairs to their apartment, which was a very good size.  They were located in Crown Heights, and after catching up in the apartment they asked if she was hungry.  Even though it was 11pm, all she had to eat that day was an avocado toast at the airport.  Her cousins warned her that anywhere you went for an avocado toast in Brooklyn was $14, no matter what.

They walked a few short blocks to Clinton Hill and stopped in at Mekelburg's.  Her cousin's knew the owners, and at the front was a cramped grocery store that was obviously closed. Further back however, was a bar that served the most amazing food.  No more than a dozen tables alongside the bar, they squished in next to another party that wasn't using three chairs.  She felt huge and out of place with her giant coat, but everyone else didn't seem to mind. 

The menu had duck pate, wild dandelion salad, and roasted marrow bone.  She didn't expect anything that good behind a grocery store.  Her cousin J order 4 or 5 things as well as drinks, and they ate like kings and had plenty left over.  The owners came over and brought them a drink, a specialty that she didn't quite hear above the music, but it tasted delightful.

In the early morning hours they pulled out the couch, she snuggled in with the two cats and drifted off to her first New York Sleep.

The Big Apple, Night 1 Part 1

 She arrived back at her apartment and tried the door.  It was locked.  KSL must have fallen asleep again and forgotten to unlock it.  She called him again, and he came to unlock the door.  He asked if he was still allowed to keep the car, she said fine but when he went to work to please leave her house keys so she could lock up.  She didn't want to take them with her on the trip but, desperate times.

She went to her room and fell asleep.

Waking up at noon, she checked her email for an update on her new flight.  Nothing.

She decided to just check the app, and found that her flight was due to leave at 1:30pm.  Panicked, she threw everything she needed back into her luggage and called a rideshare.  She looked around for her keys and found nothing.  KSL had forgotten to leave them for her, so she dragged her luggage up to the front office to ask them to lock the door behind her.

Silently she urged the driver to hurry.  At this rate she'd be getting into the city at 8pm and she'd been cheated out of an entire day with her cousin's exploring Brooklyn.  Of course her flight was delayed an hour when she got there, so she had breakfast in a small place just inside security.  She had a great chat with a woman about what content writers do, and then she was finally boarding her flight.

She didn't have the couple sitting next to her any longer, so she put up the arm rests, laid across the seats, and slept most of the way there.

Thirty minutes before landing she put up the window and looked out into the dark.  Lights started to pop up, and slowly the city came into focus.  She was filled with excitement, guessing that every skyscraper she saw was the Empire State Building.  She was finally right, and the plane gently made it's way into Queens, and JFK.

She knew it was time to be "on."  The City preys on weakness, senses it, and she needed to practice in the airport.  She walked quickly and with purpose, even though she wasn't completely sure where she was going.  Luckily the airport was set up well, and she was able to make her way to baggage claim.  She wasn't able to find exactly where her baggage was coming out and asked an attendant, perfecting her "polite but impatient" tone.  It worked, and she felt like she was succeeding already, even though she was still nervous.

She looked around at the people as she waited for her luggage, and noticed that there were many people that looked exactly like her cousins from New York, and her mom.  It was the first time that she realized that she'd never really been surrounded with people that looked like her before, even though she took after her dad's side of the family in her looks.  She still smiled like these people did, and a small part of her heart felt like she was home, even in the airport.

She made her way to the taxi line, and then made her way through Queens to Brooklyn.  She tracked on Google Maps, making sure she knew where she was at all times.  She drove through Queens thinking about The Nanny, Williamsburg thinking about the Humphrey's from Gossip Girl.  She was so busy staring out the window that she was shocked when the taxi slammed on it's breaks and the driver swore in a language she'd never heard before.

She looked up to see what had gotten in their way and went into Culture Shock.

Flight Delays

 It was finally time to go.  KSL dropped her off at the airport with her car, which she had promised he could borrow for the week.  This made her nervous but she tried not to think about it.  She had bigger things to be nervous about.

Her red eye was delayed an hour by the time she reached check in.  Then another forty five minutes.

At 1:30 am she was finally boarding the plane.  They walked around providing everyone with a "snooze kit" that contained an eye mask and some earplugs.  A cute little perk, but she was just anxious to get to sleep so that she could wake up on the other side of the country.  She needed to know that she was on the way.

Even though it was a dry evening, at 1:48am they announced they were de-icing the plane and then they'd be on the way.  The plane was packed full of people, and there was an elderly couple next to her.  She loved a window seat, so she propped her jacket up against it and tried to nap a bit before they made their way down the runway.

At 2am a disembodied voice informed them of tech problems with the plane.  They assured the customers they would be on their way shortly.

Soon enough 3am came around the bend with a "paperwork delay."  People were starting to get restless but they were tired, so it came out as just sleepy and grumpy.  A half an hour later and there were new tech issues on the plane.  The lights in the cabin kept flickering back and forth as if to prove the issue.

Finally at 4:45am, the flight was cancelled.  They told everyone to go down past security to check in to be put on another flight.  They couldn't say when the next flight would be, but she would get an email.

She dragged herself to baggage claim to wait for her freshly purchased luggage.  She had no one to call, and KSL had her keys so she couldn't even get into her own apartment.  She called him up, and he answered the phone very groggy.  She told him to please just unlock the door and go back to sleep.

She went to call an uber, and of course there were only 2 on the road and had been claimed by other people on the flight.  Defeated, she called The Ex and thankfully he was awake and getting ready for work.  He would come pick her up and take her to her apartment.

She sat down, put her feet up on her bag, and openly began to cry in the middle of baggage claim.  Would she ever get to the city?

4:45 flight delayed/cancelled

Leaving at 1pm in afternoon on app, didn't sent an email

Ushering In the New Year

"Don't panic, don't do anything stupid" She said to herself, obviously already panicking.

She had just been spending time by herself in the lobby, saying goodbye to the ushers who were walking out from downstairs at their Christmas Party.  She had promised the House Manager that she would attend but it was too many people in one space and she had to retreat upstairs.

An usher, an older lady who lived in her old building and she playfully called "Chanel Lady" because she was always wearing Chanel earrings and a purse, had come upstairs with her date and was clearly drunk.  CL walked right up to her and said "What are you going through?  I can tell these things, what is making you sad?"

She was taken aback by the question, as she was pretty content.  "I'm fine, thank you.  I'm really okay."

"You need a hug" CL decided, and before she knew what was happening, her entire face was now covered by the fur coat CL was wearing.  She was hugging her tightly and she was having trouble breathing.

Don't panic.

She kept her grip and told her that she knew something was wrong, so she was going to "pray with her" and started babbling vaguely Christian things about how Jesus sees her and wants what was best for her.  It felt like CL was raping her with her religion.

Finally after what seemed like forever, she let go.  She just said "Thank you, I just felt like hugging someone." and finally left.

She felt incredibly violated in her own workspace, and left shortly after.  There was a two week break just after this that made it easier to forget and be able to get back to work without it feeling like a place where she didn't want to be any longer.  She reported the incident to the big boss and to HR who found it to be harmless, which only made her feel worse.

Looking For Forever

She decided that she would let her Facebook Dating page stay up until she made three connections, then she would shut it down again and only talk to those three guys and see where it went.

She ended up talking to one for a bit, and he asked her out on a date.  She said yes, but also stated that she wasn't quite in the state of mind to be seriously looking for a relationship.

They met at her favorite bar, and she introduced him to her bartender.  They talked about if they were originally from the city, and what their interests were.  He didn't seem to have many beyond his "Geek Chic" age group.  It also didn't help that he had a 9 year old daughter that he didn't talk about, or the fact that he lived with his mom so that she could help him take care of the kid.

"So what are you looking for?" He asked her.

She took a deep breath before diving into her diatribe.

"It's such a loaded question, when in reality no one can know what they are looking for.  Every person I meet is going to be a different story.  I can say I want to meet someone I'd love to spend the rest of my life with, but what if the next person I meet is someone I think is really fun and different, but I don't see a long term future with?  Does that mean because I'm looking for someone forever that I can't spend time with that person any longer?  It could've been a great time but I'm going to throw it away because I'm 'looking for something different'?  That doesn't make sense to me.  Much in the same way that I might spend my life with someone but never want to have kids, or have tons of kids.  Everything really depends on the other person and the type of chemistry I have with them."

"Wow, I never really thought about it like that." was his only response.

"What are you looking for?" She asked.


"I'm Looking For My Forever."

She hoped that she kept her internal eye rolling to herself.  The next day he messaged her asking for a second date.  She thanked him, said he was a very nice guy, which was true.  But she didn't want to get in the way of his search for someone that would be forever for him.

The More Things Change...

Times just kept on going like they had been, without much to talk about.  She went to visit a friend in the hospital a few times as she had surgery, then complications to the surgery.  Once that was past she was out and about and up to going out to lunch and she didn't feel the need to worry about her any longer.

She almost jumped back into directing with a festival her friend was writing for, but in the end she didn't respect what the other director was doing and bowed out.  She did recommend Red to act in the production, and she ended up getting in and doing an amazing job.

She and BB were getting into a strange non-dating schedule.  They would usually interact once or twice a week, and see each other about once or twice a month.  She was still enjoying his company, but didn't really see him as a potential love interest any longer.  He had become a great friend and she no longer wanted to change that in order to love and to eventually leave. 

She did still have those thoughts whenever BB would say something like she always flirts with him, but then remembered that they always hung out by themselves and he hadn't seen her interact with other people to understand that's just want she was like.

It was getting a bit lonely living the single life, but she was settling into it.  She told everyone over and over again that if there was a potential for a relationship that was nice, but it had to be better than she was being by herself.  In the end, there weren't any worth the trouble.

Ghost Walk

She'd always wanted to do this, and it was finally the right time and place.  Red, with her newfound freedom euphoria, had decided to volunteer and be a host of one of the ghost walks at the capital.

She packed into the car with another friend and drove the 20 minutes into the capitol, catching up along the way. 

It was one of those days that would get cold and windy, then minutes later be slightly too warm and sunny.  They walked along beside the rest of the group, taking their jackets on and off with the weather. 

Red seemed nervous but confident.  They got lost a couple of times between houses, but you wouldn't have known it from her demeanor.  Another friend happened to be on the tour, and it was nice to catch up and drift away and back to each other within the crowd.

She didn't expect anything but an outdoor tour, but they weaved in and out of bars, theatre spaces, and homes.  It was more like the Historic Homes tour she took with her work in the fall.  Other friends "acted" as the home owners and told spooky stories about the houses they were in.  It was far longer and more entertaining than she expected it to be.

The big stop at the governor's mansion was her favorite.  Out of all the childhood field trips she'd taken, she'd never actually made it there.  It was very Twelve Oaks, though obviously not as old.  There was a haunted clock and a lady in white that was often seen walking the halls.  They then had an actor walk by upstairs in white, by a mirror so the group would be able to see them.

In the end she got a blister from wearing her new boots, but had an amazing time.  The parts that stuck with her the most were walking away from the group, and letting her mind wander. 

The Work is to be Grateful

"Dude, I am the absolute epitome of sexual frustration.  Plus I really miss you." She text Nameless.  She knew it was a little risky to expose that she felt literally anything for him.

"Hahahaha...I mean I am sorry."  Was his reply.  He said he was sure she was still playing the field  She countered with her tale about The Final Straw and how she deleted the dating apps.  He said it was few and far between on his dating scene as well, but it was a strange conversation.  Because they took so much time in-between talking she didn't think anything of it and moved along with her life.

A month or so later he was coming into town, but said he'd be available later in the evening.  She said that she would make dinner plans and just wait for his text.  He texted that he'd have to cancel and would explain later.  He drunk texted "I was not expecting this" and then didn't text her back for 14 days.

"The main reason I bailed was because I had had a date.  I thought it the best thing since I didn't trust myself to just 'hang out' with you (I am a guy and all).  I was out late with a handful of professors and got drunk...I even drunk texted you, sorry."

"So then why did you even tell me you were coming into town? Just wondering." She replied.  She was almost happy she was out with her ex and his best friend and highly distracted from the conversation where she was losing her beneficial situationship.

"I made plans with you before I even met her.  It was only the day before I left that we confirmed a second date.  It all happened kinda qick.  Next I was up there and realized I needed to cancel...like I said said, sorry."

"Dude, we aren't exclusive.  You don't have to be sorry, just be a bit more open and honest would be nice.  So did you end up seeing her?"

He fumbled through multiple messages: "Not sorry for that..fuck I know that...sorry for last minute canceling.  And yeah I've seen her a few times now.  I actually meant to talk to you later that week about it.  Didn't want to jinx it...you know.  But I've been busy with work, this new experiment is a shit show.  I have to play captain save a hoe and fix it.  And I kinda have...a little."

She stopped responding for the night, she was distracted by the conversation she was having in front of her.  It was still emotionally difficult to be with her ex.

When she got home she re-read the messages and started to cry.  It was the dishonesty and leaving her on read that really upset her.  KSL listened to her bitch and get upset while he busied himself in the kitchen.

The next morning she sent the text "Sorry I was out with friends last night so I didn't give this my full attention.  It's been fun, and I hope it works out with your experiment and this girl."

He never texted back.

She started on a bit of a man-hating spiral.  The only male influence she got on a regular basis was her ex, who gave her puppy dog eyes of hurt every time they spent time together, and KSL was so down on himself about never being in a relationship again that she was starting to think every man was like this.

Think, no, believe every man was like this.  All those romance novels, the movies, the real life relationships she saw...it was all bullshit.  KSL was right.  It was never going to happen because it didn't actually exist.  It was a lie she thought was going to happen.

She was getting into some serious man hating when she stumbled upon a New York Times Modern Love article.  "I'm not sure if we fall in love with people, or if we fall in love with the way they make us feel."

This gave her pause.  This wasn't really about Nameless at all.  In fact, the reality was as a demisexual and an empath she was indeed just addicted to the way people made her feel.

The article continued:

"It's about honoring what happened.  You met a person who awoke something in you.  A fire ignited.  The work is to be grateful.  Grateful every day that someone crossed your path and left a mark on you."

She decided to do the work.

She remembered how funny it was that he had come back around in a way that she managed to go out on a date with him without knowing his name.  She remembered how great their conversations were.  He would take her out to nice dinner and let her rage about how the local theatre system was broken, and the steps that needed to be taken to fix it.  He would listen, really listen.  He knew when she was being serious and when she was being funny, and walked alongside it effortlessly.  He didn't pull away from her whenever she got closer to him.  He read her in a way that no one else had for a long time, while still being himself.  Their balance had been perfect.  Why let the end sour all that?

She thought back, not to their sex or intimacies, but to a small moment when they had exited a bar to move on to a more quiet run, and just walked along in a comfortable silence in the rain, hand in hand.

Non-Dating

Since she and BB had decided that they were going to be friends, they made a schedule of switching off making non-dates.  They had talked on their first date about how both of them seem to attract narcissistic people, and so this was a nice fair and balanced way to spend time together.  It seemed like the perfect plan.

Until it wasn't.

Other people in their lives were determined to ruin what had become the perfect friendship.

BB's father was in a band with one of her theatre acquaintances, and one night they decided to go out and see them perform.

Upon entering the bar, she saw a barrage of theatre friends who were already a few drinks in.  They yelled at her, greeted her, and she introduced them to BB.  They gave her the eyebrow wiggle, and she quickly shook her head no.  They respected it, but she was already on the defensive.

She spent the rest of the evening making it perfectly clear that they were just friends.  The last thing she wanted to do was make it awkward for him.

Of course later it came out that his friends gave him a very hard time about it, while hers had let that nod say everything.  He seemed to be miserable, while she felt okay about it.  She wondered how long until they had to stop being friends.

The Last Straw

For the first time in a long time she'd actually gotten a sweet message on the dating app.  Their conversation had been good, but scheduling conflicts prevented them from meeting for a couple of weeks.

They were too alike, and too nice, and kept coming up against dancing around the issue of dating.

Once they finally met up, they had a 3 hour long brunch.  The conversation never stopped, neither of them wanting to actually leave or suggest moving onto a new location.  Though she felt a strong connection with him, something was missing.  The sexual attraction.  She didn't feel anything coming from him in regards to her, though he did call her pretty.

A day after the date, he messaged her.  Their date had been great, and wonderful, but he had realized that he was not in a place where he could be in a relationship.  He hoped that they could be friends.

She hoped that they could be friends too.  But she also went directly onto all the apps and deactivated all of her accounts.  She was done being hurt again.

The Gala

She'd felt a bit isolated for a long time, so when the opportunity arose for her to not only cut out of work but to go to a theatre party, she jumped at the chance to do something different.  She missed her friends and doing shows.

She talked with some of her board members, her boss won an award.  She talked to people she hadn't been able to speak to in a long time.  It was rejuvenating.  It was a spa day for her soul.

She had been so lonely the last few months, being with everyone was better than being in a relationship.  Maybe she should concentrate more on her friendships and stop caring so much about relationships.

It's Terminal

"Anything else?" The doctor asked.

This was too easy.  This new doctor wasn't even asking, was just doing everything she asked.  And she sure wasn't caring about what medications she said she was previously on.

"Do you want to see a specialist?"

She did.  Then she went to the Endocrinologist.  The initial appointment was updating them on the last 10 years, the fatigue.  They wanted to test her cortisol to see if maybe that was also a problem.  She felt a little better after complaining for an hour, but she had a feeling this wasn't going to go anywhere.

First, she had to submit to more blood tests.

"I'm so sorry, I have tiny deep veins.  I drank a lot of water to help, but I'm sorry."

The phlebotomist was an older southern lady, and reminded her of the Southern Grandma that she never got to know.

"Bless your heart child, you remind me of my daughter.  She hated it when I practiced on her but your arm is exactly the same, don't you worry."

She did amazing, and she didn't even have a bruise.  Not like the next time when she couldn't find her and ended up a bruise the size of a grapefruit

She didn't have another appointment until September, they adjusted her meds slightly.  All that was left was those pesky "hopes and prayers" that were also supposed to fix everything else.

The Fest

She had enough time to mentally prepare herself for this trip, so it started in the best of spirits.  Having an extended period with Goldie was going to be fun.  She was going to a different part of the country than she'd ever been before, and was really looking forward to the new experience of being at a film festival.

Goldie said this was the "chilliest" off all the festivals, something that was right up her alley.  The conversation never stopped and it was never awkward between them.

"If you hook up with anyone do it in their room" Goldie said, dead serious.  She laughed hard and reminded her that being a demisexual sort of exuded her from the "random fuck at the film festival" crowd.

She was there representing Goldie and her art, so she was on her best behavior.  She didn't talk much, she made sure when she did it was nice or funny, or harmless.  She made sure she was always listening, always engaged and responding with her eyes to the things people were saying.

"You are catching the LOOKS at this festival.  What the hell was that? All the guys were checking out your boobs." Goldie commented after they went back to the room from the welcome party.

Even with her lack of self-awareness when it came to other people and what they thought of her she noticed it.  Some kid in college had chatted her up before a few members of the band had engaged them in conversation.

"Maybe they are just noticing my energy.  I'm trying to be nice to everyone and seem approachable so that I don't make you look unfavorable."

"Nah, something else is going on," Goldie brought up later on in the weekend.  "They are checking out your boobs but you are like, flirty and mysterious or something to them!"

A flash, of a life a very very long time ago.  She used to be a big flirt, before the marriage had stopped her out of respect to her husband.  Then, after she realized that she had KSL had been doing it, it had been put into her mind as something "bad" that she shouldn't be doing, and she'd compartmentalized that part of herself.

It was easy to be likable when someone realized they were actually being listened to.

The rest of the trip was full of sensory overload activities, A and B list celebs, and a lot of excellent conversations.  She had a blast but was emotionally spent by the time they got back to the airport.

Her mind kept going back to her "flirty" side for weeks, the rusty one that she hadn't used in awhile.  Was there a point in bringing her back to the surface?

Ugh, Why Are You Like This?

She regretted the text as soon as she'd sent it.  She'd just sent out her last ditch effort text for someone to join her with ramen or sushi.  She was having a craving and since the weather had improved she'd been antsy to just stay outside of her apartment.

She needed a walk and talk, a D&M.  Instead, she sent out the text to Mel.

"You have to be at work tonight right?" She asked.

"Not until like 10pm, why?"

"I just wanted to get some ramen or sushi and wanted to see if you'd like to join."

"I can't, I have the play.  It's opening night."

"Oh, you got into the play?  You didn't tell me."

They chatted a bit longer, and he offered to take her to sushi the next week.  "Thanks for reaching out, it was really nice to hear from you." he ended.

She winced.  She had no dog in this fight any longer.  Why did she keep going back to this situation?

Validation is a real bitch.

The Idea of Something

"If I could re-do any part of my life...like if I died and I could come back and re-do any decade of my life, I would re-do my 20's."  KSL said.

"I wouldn't re-do anything.  I'd just be glad it was finally all over." She replied.

She had come to terms that now she was 100% alone.  She took comfort in the fact that Nameless had wanted to meet up with her, and was really sweet and comforting about the end.  In fact, it was almost a relief that it ended this way.

Because in the end it all just seemed not real.  3 years of dates.  Flirtations.  Kisses.  Sleepovers.  And sex. 

And so much time alone in-between.  Almost so much time that she forgot about him, about their connection.  Whenever he came around again he was always sweet, always "making up" the time they spent apart.  Their sense of humor gelled.  He could make fun of her and it never made her feel bad.  Their Love Languages were similar, so their time together, however short, was always meaningful.

She thought of their harmless conversations about her coming up to Portland with him for a weekend, or how if she was making 3 figures how he'd quit his job and be her "house husband."  Lots of fun talk for something that was never meant to be.

Maybe if they'd spent more time together it wouldn't have worked out.  His need to keep the bedroom cold would have gotten to her, they'd become short with one another during talking.  But they never really would.

It had been a perfect casual relationship because there had been time and space to romanticize it.  In the end, it was the idea of something that had been perfect.

Reading about romance, writing about romance, was so wonderful.  So heart-warming.  To imagine someone being there and loving her and thinking she was wonderful.

Imagining kept her safe, so she preferred it.

Tryst Less

"You need to see it.  You need to sit down with your husband and watch it." The customer insisted.

"Well, I don't really have one of those anymore but I can watch it alon--"

"Watch it with your boyfriend then."

She caught a sigh mid-air, and said evenly "I don't have one of those either."

"Okay, your girlfriend."

She gave up.  "Okay."

Later that evening she came home to the singles box that she canceled in January on her porch.


The universe was really hitting it hard how single she was.  It was starting to sting.  This was usually around the time that Nameless came around to pull her out of her slump.  This time however, he also had a curveball for her.

"Well everything got pushed up.  I have been making edits on my dissertation and at the same time working on my presentation.  I really can't think of anything else.  Been so tired.  Company is also interested in me heading up a big project, so I might be moving again."

Two states over.  He was moving two states over.  Even though they hadn't seen each other in months, she was still a bit devastated.  She suddenly realized how not alone she felt with his shadow, his non-existent existence, always in the back of her mind.  For the next two days she was bummed out, processing the emotional hole he would leave in her life.

But he would be up once more, in a few days for his presentation and turning in his dissertation. 

"Time for one final tryst?" She asked.

"Hahahaha...I don't know yet.  I am trying to get my presentation done.  I have to review it with my advisor and practice it.  If he doesn't have any changes he wants me to make I might have a little time."

She curbed her expectations.  What he was working on was a big deal and she suggested seeing him after it was over.  "I wish I could stay," he responded "I am flying out Saturday to head back east for an experiment.  I would really like to be able to grab a drink and have that final tryst (as you put it).  If I can get this done I am down.  I couldn't be an all night thing though.  I have to talk for an hour and I will need to practice multiple times at night and early in the morning."

Her heart melted a little bit.  He wanted her to stay over but knew he had to concentrate.  It was really very sweet of him to be straightforward about her staying, which she never would have done anyway.  As much as he was sweet about her staying, he was always running too hot to cuddle throughout the night, and he was always grumpy in the morning.  Staying over was cute when they weren't having sex together, but ever since they'd started, it hadn't gone well.

The night he was in town he said he'd text.  A little before 9pm he texted.  "I am still fumbling around with this and need to work on it more.  I don't think today is going to work unless I make some serious head way soon."

"I am sorry...I was really looking forward to one last tryst.  But who knows I could be back sometime."

She smiled.  It was bittersweet.  She wasn't happy that the last time she saw him wasn't going to be the last time.  This wasn't like with Piz, when it felt like she was neglected.  He had kept her up to date and wanted to meet up, it just wasn't in the cards.  She was really going to miss him.

She had decided she would finish her dinner, then text KSL and ask him where his was on his bus route and go pick him up.  Before that could happen, he walked in the door.

"Hey, I was--" He cut her off.  Apparently he had a rough day, his mom had picked him up and taken him shopping and dropped him off at home.  She tried to ask him what had happened and he continued to cut her off.

Cool.  What a masculine trade-off.  Turns out in the end she wasn't alone at all.  She was worse.

Brunch and Growth

"IL and I just talked about how I need to get up from the table, and that's what I did.  And I honestly feel amazing right now.  I'm getting enough space to myself, enough sleep.  I don't have to worry about him as much even though I still do because I'll always care about him, it's just a weight lifted."

"That is so amazing!" He friend exclaimed.  "Seriously, people in my group at work never get to this point in their lives, and I want to like, bring you in for a talk or something."

"You should bring in IL, she's the one who got me this far.  I wouldn't have been able to see things without her shedding a light on them."

It was nice to talk about how content she was despite not being entirely happy with her apartment.  Things were rough all over, and it looked like they really didn't have a choice about staying in the place for another year.  Anywhere else was going to be more expensive, and better the devil you know when it came to a lack of home repairs.

"You look amazing" her friend said to her.  "I always wanted you and KSL to get together, but maybe this is always the way it was meant to be for you two.  Leaning on each other without having romance cloud judgement or let it become something that gets weaponized in the heat of an argument."

"We are weird together.  It's like, a practice relationship.  Things that I would normally do that I know aren't healthy, I can draw boundaries without fear of loss of love, because he never loved me to begin with.  I'm learning lots of lessons that I need to learn.  There are times that I wish there was more, and times when I wish there was far less.  I think it's been good for both of us, but honestly who knows what goes through his head.  All I have is myself, and I'm only responsible for my own actions.  It's always something I keep in mind now.  Instead of playing a victim, instead I think about how to change myself to get the outcome I need.  So far, it's working."

This is Going to Make a Great Blog Post For You

"So I'm surprised that you didn't invite her to stay" She said to KSL as he walked in from walking his ex out to the car.

She was honestly surprised that he didn't go harder for another round with her.  Lord knows he wanted to keep their "competition" up with whoever had sex last with him winning.

Instead he walked over to where she was standing, dropped to his knees, and wailed "I'm going to be alone forever."

Her eyes widened at the sudden juxtaposition of her standing over him.  In the history of their entire friendship this had never been a position they'd been in.  She wasn't sure that she was focusing on this fact in order to deter her emotions from what seemed to be happening, which was him suddenly falling apart.

She hesitated, then realized that he had no intention of leaving the floor anytime soon, joined him.  He was mostly half-hyperventilating/half dry sobbing, occasionally interjecting with "She doesn't want me," "I haven't been like this in 14 years," and "I've just been trying to hold it together for so long."

Since this wasn't really the best time to go for her phone and do a quick search for "what to do when someone is clearly having a mental breakdown" she just let him get it out and stood by him.  When she was high and upset, she knew it helped to have someone anchoring her to the earth, so she kept rubbing his back, then his arm when he ended up on his back on the floor.

"At least you know now I'm not making this up" he said in-between gulps of air.  This particular phrase stopped her empathy, and she knew she couldn't spiral into this with him.  On some level she now had to wonder if he was just, in a small way, doing this for attention.  Either way, her sympathy wasn't stopping whatever he was going through.

Through everything they had gone through, usually when she raised her voice he responded by calming down, so though she still held onto him she made an effort to steel her voice a bit more to get him to come around.

"This is going to make a great blog post for you," he said.  She pursed her lips, and took a deep breath.  It was amazing that through all his pain, anguish, he was still able to be petty and insulting.  Up until that point she had no intention of posting about it, but that changed her mind.

She decided that she needed a occurring line as well.  "Stop."

It didn't work.  She couldn't talk him down.  He told her to leave, and when she stood he begged for her to stay.  She resumed always keeping a hand on him but mostly letting him be.

She managed to keep his hysterics to a simmer, but only after he gave himself a bruise banging on their kitchen counter and putting a small hole through the wall.  After an hour she felt like she was failing terribly.  Every time it seemed like he was winding down it would ramp up again and she would have to yell at him.

She was worried that some neighbor was going to call the cops, but then she remembered all of the neighbors that they shared walls with and how garbage they all were and she stopped worrying.  They could have one night of keeping them up instead of the other way around.

Eventually his breath started to regulate, and she got him to a standing position.  He then transitioned into saying he was sorry over and over again.  She went back to telling him to stop, and he continued apologizing.  This was the hardest part to take, and her wall came down a little and she teared up a bit.  "You're okay.  You're gonna be okay." She repeated.

Her hand had moved up to caressing his face, which seemed to be calming him.  He laid his head on her shoulder, and she rubbed his back.  He seemed to be coming around to being in his right mind again, so as a friendly "you got through it" gesture, she kissed his temple.  It wasn't unusual at this point in their friendship to be okay with the occasional forehead/top of the head kiss.  Then he kissed her neck, and her heartbeat quickened with panic.

She pulled away and asked if he was okay to go to bed.  He said he was.  She asked if he needed her there for awhile, and he gave her a look that made her backtrack immediately, saying she was just worried he was going to put a hole through the wall if he was left by himself for awhile, or do something harmful to himself.  He said he would never go that far.  She decided that joking about him needing an audience to do anything wasn't well timed, and she watched him go off to bed.

She had a dull ache in her chest for days afterwards, as if she was unsure where to set down all that she had taken in.

Grief

Her mother had offered to come with her on the 4 hour round trip drive to the Ex's funeral with her.  They managed to not kill each other there or back, but there were moments of tension.  She'd emotionally thrown up a wall to deal with the day anyway.

She expected to attend the funeral, pay her respects, support the ex, feel like she shouldn't be there the whole time, and leave.

She didn't expect to feel everything that she'd feel. She got into town a little early so they stopped at a rest area and then went directly to the funeral home.

It was packed, and for a moment she panicked.  She needed to find a place for her mother to sit, at least.  She saw her ex and went to him for a hug.  He said there were still spots available so she ventured down the pew-like benches. 

She locked eyes with some of his best friends from the town, and she didn't know if they were going to ignore her, or hate that she was there.  They told her to sit down next to them and gave her a very warm hug.  She didn't expect sympathy, caring or love.  She was completely unprepared for that reaction.  Her wall came down in an unexpected way, and she cried in a way she didn't think she would at the funeral.  They somehow made it okay for her to be upset about this death.

They stuck with her through the funeral, and the wake afterwards.  She couldn't believe how much they treated her like nothing had changed, like the divorce didn't happen.  Even his brothers gave her a hug, and although the feeling was just them dealing with their grief.

The weather was so bitter cold, but her heart was warm from the not-rejection she experienced.  She just expected the reception to be as chilly as the weather.  She felt so relieved that she was wrong.

Getting Up From the Table

"That sounds like a toxic living situation for the both of you." IL said.  "Mama, you ain't kidding" She replied.

After 24 hours she had finally calmed down and started to think rationally.  KSL didn't set out to have a tryst deliberately to spite her when she was grieving.  But she did obviously feel slighted, and she needed to explore that.

She had been pushed to yet another brink.  Why?  What was missing that was causing her to be so emotional about this?

She took stock of how she felt.  She was stretched thin, she felt it.  After some thought she realized it was because she gave too much of herself without any sign that it made any difference.

She didn't get enough sleep because she stayed up watching movies with KSL, and then had to get up an hour earlier to drop him off from work.  He wasn't making enough money so she was not requiring him to do the things he'd normally do, like pay for every other tank of gas.  Her car was showing the wear and tear of 9 months of driving across town multiple times a day.  She knew soon it would get expensive and time consuming and she didn't have enough money to get a down payment or have a car payment again.

She was stressed.  She was putting herself, her health, at risk for things that he was just taking for granted, and wouldn't even miss if they were gone.

So then why was she doing it?  She swore she'd never again keep setting herself on fire just to keep someone warm.  It was bullshit.

"I'm sorry that I came at you the way that I did," she started.  "I realized that the reason I reacted was somethings that I needed to change, so I'm going to tell you about them."

"I've set an alarm on my phone for 10:15.  When it goes off we need to wrap up whatever we are doing and I need alone time."

Later she had told him she could no longer drive him to work after the second week in March.  The new office that he could walk to should have been ready at the beginning of March, so 2 weeks longer seemed more than fair.  She knew she'd become angry and resentful after that point in time.

She could only change her, and her reaction to things.  It was time to take control of that.

Explode/Implode

Her ex had called, which he never did.  She answered because his father had just died, and she thought he could really use a friend.  As it turned out, their shared cat had died while he was away taking care of his dad.  It had broken him, and he cried to her over the phone.  She asked if he wanted her to come over, but he had to go to bed soon as he needed to work early.

KSL asked her what she needed directly after the phone call.  She was both numb and feeling everything at once, and she answered honestly that there was nothing he could do right now.  There was nothing anyone could do...she'd just lost her last father figure.

People started showing up for KSL's movie night, and the more people arrived the more her anxiety level rose.  KSL was busy cooking and entertaining, and she tried to hang out in the common area, but knew she wouldn't be able to hold it together much longer.  It would not be fair to commander KSL's night, so she decided leaving was best.  She decided it so fast that she found herself on the other side of her front door with nowhere to go. 

After a few panicked texts, she ended up safe at Goldie's house.  She managed to get her emotions under control, and then she got a text from KSL that said that everyone was about to clear out, and it was "safe" for her to return home and not be overwhelmed with people. 

An hour later she returned to a not-so empty home.  KSL was in his room, but his ex's shoes and purse were still by the door, and her phone lay face-up on the coffee table.  They were talking, loudly, and laughing occasionally.  As she got some water from the kitchen, it quickly became apparent that they were starting to have sex.

It stung.  She felt disrespected.  He'd promised her a safe place to come home too, and delivered the exact opposite.  The juxtaposition of her grief and having to listen to the extremely loud sex grated on her psyche in a way that she hadn't felt in a long time.  It felt personal.  It felt like an attack on her.  He had led her to this situation, and soon enough she saw nothing but red.

The escapades lasted for 4+ hours.  She got more angry the longer it went on.  He knew she had plans early the next morning, and it felt like he was deliberately doing this to her.

She finally got 2 hours of sleep, woke up, and sent him a very long text.  "As a friend, especially after how much of my emotional state I've shared with you as of late, it was extra hurtful to have to listen to you having sex with her while experiencing grief.  It showed me that you are more willing to follow what makes your dick hard instead of being a respectful friend.  But hey, you finally did it.  You've finally convinced me, after 8 months of insisting, that you are garbage."

She told him she needed a full 24 hours before speaking on the matter, and preferred not to see him in that time frame.  She had a lot of calming down to do.

It Gets Better***

***but first it gets worse.

She was in such a hurry to get into her appointment at the doctor that she forgot her phone in the car.

Now she was stuck waiting around without distraction.  She pulled out a pen and started writing everything that was happening as a way to distract her.

• Nothing like forgetting your phone when you have a 2 hour doctor's appointment.
• That is pretty stressful, and you could use a distraction.
• I could be shopping for shoes online, but instead I'm writing on the back of a $200 receipt.  All because I like to keep my phone in my cup holder.  Cool cool
• They've called two "Samantha's" and and two "Julia's" and the wrong one always stands up first.  There has to be a psychological reason behind that.
• Aaand there goes the 3rd Samantha.
• Ultrasound @9, IUD Insert at 10:20.  This is the worst day to have bad gas but here we are.
• There are 3 sections of the waiting area at the OBGYN: With Kids, without kids, and the Undecideds.  It's this wacky Woman's Only West Side Story.
• The Have-Nots hate that the Have's children break the silence of the waiting room.
• They still have their Xmas tree up.  Ugh.
• 9;39 am: Ultrasound done.  Waiting to see if they can get me in for the IUD sooner.  The tech was super chatty and nice and her energy put me at ease.  It was kinda cool to see my uterus.  It looks really small.
• All they have in this waiting room is parenting mags.  Ugh.
• And parents.  And one Have-Not refuses to move from her middle seat so a family can't sit together.
• 9:48 am: My blood pressure is "faint" and I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
• Here we go...

 They finally called her in and she was waiting, trying her hardest not to be nervous.  She knew once this was over, there was the next 6 months to try her best not to panic.

The procedure was not pleasant, and she actually exclaimed "ouchie" at one point, but in about 45 seconds it was over.

On the way home, the cramps started, and continued for the next 40 days.

The Six Month Lean In

She'd become worn down.  She could always pretend for a certain amount of time before she broke, but she had no longer had her own space to break down.  Living with someone, but especially KSL, caused only the tip of her iceberg to be above water.

Her mental health decided to weaken at the exact moment that she had her busiest day of her vacation.  She'd put off socializing until it all happened at once, and two social gatherings turned into four.

On the fourth however, she ended up in a conversation with an acquaintance that she enjoyed talking to.  He was a stand up comedian and they could go back and forth with great quips.  She missed having a witty tete-a-tete.

She mentioned this to KSL when she was finally home.  Naturally, his low self esteem caused him to apologize even though she never meant it as a dig to him.  But since he seemed to want to go through some self-loathing...

"It's not your fault, you just aren't the D&M type.  You just...don't have conversations.  You don't even want to really talk about the movies you make me watch.  You got cranky when I said Blade Runner didn't have as much running as I anticipated."

As if she had challenged him instead of stating a simple fact, so they launched into a retrospective of what she liked and disliked about the first half of their lease. 

"You are just so squirrely about everything between us." she repeated multiple times.  "I bought a special robe to get to my bathroom because you were being squirrely about nudity, which is silly considering our history." She dug a little deeper and let a little too much go, the tide recede slightly on her iceberg due to her being worn down by disappointment the entire month.

He stepped out of character as well, and told her a story of him happening upon a fellow actor years ago when she was changing.  He had been "squirrely" and she had said to him "These's just tits, honey"

"Remind me of this conversation in the future" he said, "So that I can try my best to be better."

The next morning he came out of his room, haggard.  "You okay?" She asked.

He spoke, and just based on his body language she knew he had taken the D&M too much to heart and was worried by it.  As if to confirm, he said "Hey, new rule; we don't start a D&M so late at night."

"That's fair" She answered.

For the next few days he was on his best behavior.

Mental Health-Weak

Since she had missed out on what seemed like a lifetime of Self Care Sundays, she was really looking forward to having the entire week of the holiday off.

Her ex had been asking her to go to a movie with her, and to go look at the Christmas lights around her old neighborhood.  Even though she'd already seen the movie with KSL, she saw it again with him.  It was nice, but for some reason it was getting hard to spend time with him again.  She put off, then reluctantly agreed to go see lights with him.

After a full day of socializing that she didn't want to do, he texted that he was starving and convinced her to go to eat even though she was emotionally not feeling well so therefore wasn't hungry.  She tried to keep up conversation with him while he ate, but very soon an old injury of his had flared up and he was clearly uncomfortable.

Searching for a topic of conversation, she told him she'd been to the doctor because her periods were so bad and they decided to put in an IUD.

"Well that will help with all the free-wheeling I bet, huh?" He responded cruelly.

"No...I literally just told you why I was doing it.  I don't want to be in pain anymore."  She was taken aback as normally he wasn't this mean.

"Well, no, that's true, you still have to worry about STDs."

She shook her head as if to get the conversation stricken from her brain.  She suspected that somehow he'd found out about her and Mel seeing each other.  Which made her laugh since she had never ended up having sex with Mel, unless he wanted to count a night of Mel not being able to get it up with a condom and her eventually getting tired of trying and going to the other bed and going to sleep.

Her ex said it with such venom that someone must have said something, or he was just in a bad head space from his injury.  Ex then brought up he got a late night phone call from a mutual acquaintance that had been after him since before they were married.  "Please, anyone but her for your rebound" she told him, then regretted saying it as she just felt like she was "getting back at him" for his comments on her IUD.

They tried to go around and look at lights for a bit, but she eventually just drove him back home and said goodbye.  He was about to go into a really hectic work month so she didn't have to worry about seeing him for awhile.

She felt the day weigh on her and her depression deepened.  She wished she was done for the evening, but sadly it had just begun.

Good Intentions, Bad Party

She had invited Mel to the work Christmas party.  The retirement party had gone so well that they decided they looked good dressed up together.

"After the Christmas party, I would really love to get some hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps, hop in an Uber, and go around looking at Christmas lights for an hour.  How does that sound to you?" Mel asked.

She was incredibly touched by the gesture and said that sounded really nice.

When she got off work he said he was just leaving his house, so she said she'd change and meet him there.  She had poured herself into a dress of Goldie's and some high heels she never got to wear out even though she'd owned them for years.  She checked in and walked around saying hello to everyone she worked with, until Mel texted her that he had just arrived.  She stood up and went to greet him at the door and immediately noticed he was exhausted.

"Did you have a hard day at work?  Are you okay?"  Normally she would have been happy to see him but she knew something had happened.  It had.  His "friend" had an emergency and he had driven 20 hours in the last 24 to help her out.

He only had a plateful of food, said he didn't feel well, and went home instead of their plans.  She told him it was okay, he needed to rest.

But she had a feeling in the pit of her stomach, depression and low self esteem starting to flow through her veins like a cold liquid.  She wasn't prioritized enough, to anyone.  Mel didn't want a relationship with her, Nameless was content with the occasional text and hook up.

She wasn't worth it.

Drastic-ish Measures

"So, at my last checkup, I mentioned maybe having to up the dosage of my pain pills for my periods.  It's actually gotten much worse since last year."

"Yeah, what's been going on?" Her kind OBGYN asked.

"It's so bad that I had to call into work last month.  I have to take the painkillers, drink a large amount of alcohol and take an edible just to not spend 2 full days on my bathroom floor."

The doctor agreed that it sounded like endometriosis.  She had a couple of different options to choose from; an operation to scrape it all out that would have to be done again in a couple of years, or get an IUD put in.

She was conflicted, as she didn't want to go to the extreme of another surgery.  But she thought about the depression she encountered when she was on birth control pills, and worried about the same with an IUD.

"I would give you the smallest IUD on the market, and eventually it gets to the point where you won't have your period at all, so no more intensely painful cramps.  Do you want to give it a shot?"

She decided to try the IUD first, and they scheduled an ultrasound and the IUD insertion for the same day a week into the new year.  The doctor said that the ultrasound would make sure there was nothing else strange going on before going forward.

She was scared about all the things that could happen, and decided she needed to keep track of her mood every day to make sure that depression didn't take hold again.  Cautiously optimistic, she looked forward to no more pain. 

Holiday Trysting

Scheduling had been a real bitch between her and Nameless.  They ended up going almost two months without seeing each other due to his schedule always coinciding with her period.

Finally they were able to make a date work.  Well, an evening.  In order to make it work he was driving up late one night, and had an 8am meeting the next morning.  He got them a hotel room, and texted that he could be later than usual, around 10:30 at night.

She ended up downtown waiting for him at Goldie's place watching the dog with SD.  They turned on White Christmas, made hot beverages, and talked about making "Sisters" their newest karaoke duet that they'd never perform together.

Finally Nameless texted that he had arrived.  She said goodbye to a very sleepy SD and got into Nameless' incredibly tall truck.  She struggled to get into it as he laughed at her.

She could tell he was tired though.  He had just drove 2 hours after working a full day and right before that he had just flown in from across two time zones.  Regardless, they checked into the hotel and went to grab a drink from the nearest non-smoking bar.  After catching up and buying each other 1 round each, they decided it was time to head up to the room.  It was strange how they always needed a period of adjustment to get used to each other, to remember they were attracted to each other and not just strangers.

They had also been sexting a lot lately, and she was a bit concerned how much of it he actually wanted to put into practice and how much was just talk.  She was a little bit nervous.  He actually made a joke if she brought anything to get tied up with, and she did say she brought her scarf just in case.  He laughed and said he was just kidding, and she wondered what else he was kidding about.

Maybe she had just waited too long for him to arrive, but even two drinks later she wasn't feeling it at all.  Her spirits lifted a little when he finally reached out to her and kissed her.  She was more comfortable in a one on one space with him anyway.  She had to wonder if that was a KSL holdover, trying to pretend like they weren't anything when they were in public together.  Mel was the only one who was prone to PDA out of the fauxlationships she'd had the past few years.

It wasn't long before they were both kissing and tearing clothes off.  She was suddenly acutely aware that he was always on ripping her pants off, but didn't bother with anything else most of the time.  She took it upon herself to get her top and bra off, and he didn't say anything one way or the other about it.  He was actually very attentive, and for a few quick moments she thought he had maybe forgotten about his no oral rule, but he would always end up moving away as she was getting excited for anything to happen.

As per their discussions, she 'begged' him not to stop, thereby causing him to get too tired to finish in the middle.  Stating he just needed a small break, she teased him saying it was his fault for asking her to tell him not to stop.  "Well, I hope you got yours already" He said, causing her to near-snort with laughter.  He was a man of science, surely he didn't think she was just spontaneously orgasming.  It must have been the rock n roll past where girls would just lie to him without reason.

As he rested a moment her mind wandered to how KSL always said that he would make sure the girls would get theirs before he got his.  She shook her head violently as she realized what she was doing.  Why was she in the middle of a sexcapade thinking about him?  Thinking about how well he would be treating her at that moment?

Soon they were back again for round two, and it was just as great as it had always been.  Until he suddenly stopped, and stated that the condom had fallen off for a second.  When they tried a different position he joked it had been "easier when the condom fell off" and she suddenly didn't really feel safe anymore.

It was late when all was said and done and he went quickly to sleep.  She found it hard to drift off, her thoughts going back again to people who treated her a bit better.  There weren't many.

She'd waited months for this encounter, only to feel more alone than before.

Merry Christmas Indeed

They say that once a company culture talks about being a family, it's time to get out.  They want you to get comfortable so they can take advance of you the way a family member would.

A sad thing to think about in regards to both work and family.  Neither are easy, but you can't live without either one.

But wouldn't it be nice to try?

She'd felt uneasy ever since KSL had texted her that he didn't need a ride home from work that day.  He texted it pretty early on in the day, but since she was up to her ears in work she didn't give it too much thought until she walked in the door and found KSL sitting on the couch, not on his regular side.

"Good news, you don't have to drive me to work tomorrow!"

Her eyes narrowed and her heart dropped.  "Why?"

"Or the next day."

"Why??"

"Or, ever."

"KSL, why?"

As she suspected, his job had decided to pursue other interests besides him.  He could have very easily been stoned, drunk, freaking out, or all three at once.  However he seemed pretty calm and collected for what had just happened to him.

He told her not to worry, that he had gotten an incredibly decent severance package and a pretty solid approval from unemployment when he filed, as others in the company usually got it without a problem.

Her heart ached for him.  He was already going through a depression because his ex had felt the need to tell him she was "seeing" someone else, but that it wasn't serious.  He didn't deserve to lose basically everything.

Merry Christmas Indeed.

"You are taking this all really well." He said to her, possibly projecting.

Of course she was taking it well.  It was her second rodeo after all.  She had gone through her own unemployment, and had gone through being the only person earning money in the house.

He told her not to worry, possibly thinking about her ex and how she had to do nothing but worry.  She would try her best not to, but she was already mentally canceling orders and trying to figure out how to do Christmas on a much smaller budget.

It was a very, very easy mentality to slip back into.

Retired Habits Die Hard

"So what time should I be there for your boss' retirement party?" Mel asked via text.

There had been a miscommunication.  She had sworn he had said that he couldn't come, that he would be busy.  "No, that was earlier this week.  I'm free."

She scrambled and got her plus one back on the same day, and told him it was supposed to be pretty fancy.

He showed up on time, looking great in a suit as always.  His new mountain man look sort of negated his nice suit, but at least he was there.  He had, in fact, showed up for her for once.

"You look so beautiful tonight!" He said upon seeing her.  She blushed, said that it wasn't really her at all.  A friend had done her makeup and her hair, she couldn't take responsibility for any of it.  "Hey, you look beautiful.  Just you."  She smiled at him and they headed inside.

As they sipped their beverages and caught up during cocktail hour, she mentioned to him again that she really liked seeing him in a suit.  He smiled and said "I like getting dressed up and going places with you.  I'm really glad you asked me.  I've missed you."

She knew it was a bad idea at the time, but when speeches were happening, they held hands under the table.  Both of them wished there was coffee, and suddenly after dinner coffee was served and they both basked in the glory of a caffeinated second wind to the night.

The band started up and she decided that was a good time to go to the ladies room.  He followed suit and they met up and went to the bar where he ordered another cocktail, and she just grabbed her water to sip on as they listened to the band.  Her boss was very excited to perform, but she was distracted by all the signals Mel seemed to be throwing her way.

He looked into her eyes and restated: "I've really missed you." His gaze darted from her lips back to her eyes, silently asking permission.  She leaned in for a small chaste kiss.

"You wanna get out of here?"

"Yes"

Mel had recently moved into a new place, and gave her instructions on how to get there.  She ended up following him most of the way, and was surprised in how close it was to her apartment, just down the hill.

His dogs jumped all over her in greeting, and she used his bathroom to change into a more casual outfit than the semi-formal dress she had on.  He had recently been to the spot they went to last Autumn and picked up some apple wine which they tried to enjoy with the dogs climbing on top of them.

They listened to some of his vinyl records since his wifi hadn't been set up yet, and waiting for the dogs to calm down before they resumed their kissing and fooling around.  Once it got a little too hot and heavy and he said he "I really want to take you back there to my bed" that she pulled away.  She had work the next day and had to be going.

And she wasn't about to get disappointed by their lack of sexual chemistry again.  They might be great make out partners, but they would never be any more between them than that.

Alone Together Time

She'd been watching Goldie's dog for days, and she was feeling lonely.  And as always happens, once she was feeling the most lonely a man would text her, and keep her on a hook.  This time it was Mel instead of the usual line up.  He wanted to hang, but he was short on funds.  She suggested a movie night at Goldie's and they would pick up some cheap tacos for dinner.

As they sat around catching up while waiting for the tacos, he shared his plans for next week in Vegas meeting Cher and tooling around in a limo with his friend from the bar.  Later on in the month he was going to Peru, to take part in some sort of ritual.  "What do you hope to get out of that?"  She asked, he answered with a little bit of peace.  She said she hoped it would help him, and she meant it.

There was still something between them.  It was hard not to want the future that he wanted for himself; house, kids.  The dream.  As it stood now, they were just the same level of lonely.

He hadn't seen The Haunting of Hill House, so they watched the first couple of episodes.  It was only a matter of a few minutes before they were snuggling comfortably, him occasionally laughing at her jumping at scary parts even though she'd already seen it.  SD came by to pick something up, and he didn't pull away from her while they were all talking.

It was easy, nice.  Nothing more complicated than that.  He hugged her and didn't try to kiss her goodnight when he left.

Losing All Sense of Home

"So, I'm actually moving in a month." SD dropped the bomb on her for the few minutes they spent together before she had to get back to Goldie's dog.  Goldie herself was moving out of the building next summer.

"Is it weird, coming back here now that you don't live here anymore?" Mel asked when he was over to visit.  "No," she answered, "It still feels like home."

She realized suddenly that soon she would have no reason to go back to her old building.  The place she still considered home.  Though she had a place to stash her crap, it didn't feel like home.  She knew it wasn't going to be forever.

The next day she had a start of a panic attack and didn't know why.  Talking through it with Banana she realized that it was just because it was like moving out of the building all over again, losing her home all over again.  Luckily the sudden knowledge of what she was panicking about stopped the attack, but the sadness of the situation remained.

She was emotionally homeless.