The day of BFF's wedding had finally come.
She had been dreading it for weeks. If this wedding had come even a year later, she most likely would not have been invited. They were in a weird place where BFF most likely thought that she had to invite her, and she thought she had to come. Neither of them were adult enough to just admit that and not make it awkward for everyone involved.
JJ was supposed to be her date, but he bailed at the last minute, much like he had with being a moving buddy. KSL had turned his nose up at being a "plus one" and Mel had to work and would have only been able to duck in and out for the ceremony.
She decided to take her mother, which everyone else saw as sweet but she saw as pathetic. Dealing with the bad driving all the way up the mountain to the wedding site was whiplash worthy, and she relinquished control only when realizing she was going to have to parallel park.
The ceremony was sweet, but she still had this weird feeling that she shouldn't have been there at all. Just being a regular guest hurt her heart. She hadn't been asked to help or contribute, but it seems that SD seemed to be running the whole wedding. They had been friends for a long time, sure, but it started to really sink in as the night wore on that she'd lost her best friend and been invited to the wedding.
Not that BFF's groom was bad, in fact she had come to like him far more than BFF. She really enjoyed that he was supportive of everyone around him, and had a dark snarky quality that they shared.
Everyone was taking the mic and doing toasts, and she suddenly had the urge to go up there. She got emotional and knew there was no way she was going to be able to hold it together, so she held off.
Just before she left she approached them and told them she wasn't a people person, so she was going to toast them face to face now.
"When BFF and I first met, it was because she was a mutual friend of someone else's and I needed to check her out because I wanted to make sure she was good enough for him. Then we met and I told her she wasn't good enough for him. Then you came along, and I had to check to make sure you were good enough for her. And you are."
She got choked up, hugged them both, and left without saying goodbye to anyone.
Wednesday, May 30, 2018
Monday, May 28, 2018
Quirky
The first week had been emotionally and physically rough for her. She and KSL had some tense moments, but seemed to come out of it okay.
Many issues popped up that she had forgotten she had a problem with. She fell asleep the second night and woke up in the middle of a panic attack because he had closed her door. Claustrophobia was something she always forgot she had until it happened.
The little problems with the apartment had added up so much that it was almost comical. They couldn't put anything under their bathroom sinks because of water damage. Light switches and outlets didn't work. Once the washer/dryer units were delivered, they were just big enough that the door to the laundry room didn't close. The shelves in the kitchen were made of particle board, so they needed to buy contact paper.
In the meantime, things couldn't be put away until issues were fixed, so items remained out, causing her anxiety. Everything was circumstantial, and as she promised him, there was going to be a big period of adjustment for her.
"You are really quirky, you get that right?" Goldie had said to her. She knew, but that didn't make it any easier. She was also dealing with an intense amount of brain fog. The move had indeed knocked her entire body out of wack. She held it together during the day, since she didn't have much of a choice as work was one of the busiest weeks of the year. As she drove home each day she was out of energy to do anything at all. She was jealous that KSL had been able to take the week off, and he could take his time getting everything settled.
She learned to sleep with the door closed within 2 nights. She tried to keep to herself, suppress almost everything about her, trying not to intrude. He still pointed out all her quirks making her self conscious. He was matter of fact when he did it, not intending to hurt her. In fact, he was being really great with her. She knew he had the ability to cut her quickly and deeply, and he didn't.
They were both trying really hard.
Many issues popped up that she had forgotten she had a problem with. She fell asleep the second night and woke up in the middle of a panic attack because he had closed her door. Claustrophobia was something she always forgot she had until it happened.
The little problems with the apartment had added up so much that it was almost comical. They couldn't put anything under their bathroom sinks because of water damage. Light switches and outlets didn't work. Once the washer/dryer units were delivered, they were just big enough that the door to the laundry room didn't close. The shelves in the kitchen were made of particle board, so they needed to buy contact paper.
In the meantime, things couldn't be put away until issues were fixed, so items remained out, causing her anxiety. Everything was circumstantial, and as she promised him, there was going to be a big period of adjustment for her.
"You are really quirky, you get that right?" Goldie had said to her. She knew, but that didn't make it any easier. She was also dealing with an intense amount of brain fog. The move had indeed knocked her entire body out of wack. She held it together during the day, since she didn't have much of a choice as work was one of the busiest weeks of the year. As she drove home each day she was out of energy to do anything at all. She was jealous that KSL had been able to take the week off, and he could take his time getting everything settled.
She learned to sleep with the door closed within 2 nights. She tried to keep to herself, suppress almost everything about her, trying not to intrude. He still pointed out all her quirks making her self conscious. He was matter of fact when he did it, not intending to hurt her. In fact, he was being really great with her. She knew he had the ability to cut her quickly and deeply, and he didn't.
They were both trying really hard.
Friday, May 25, 2018
Goodbye Art Pop Studio
"Breathe" KSL reminded her throughout the day.
She couldn't. She just needed to get through the day. Her ex was helping for a bit, she didn't want to waste his time, and the truck rental had sprung it on her that she actually had to have the truck back by 5pm or else she would get charged for an overnight.
The amount of money she was spending on this move was piling up and she was starting to panic about her finances.
She and KSL's styles on how to move were wildly different, and she tried her best to go with the flow of everything throughout the day, even though that's not who she was. She felt a huge sense of relief when PJ showed up for a little while to help them with the last of KSL's stuff, ensuring that she would get the truck back in time.
As they walked along the path from the apartment to get things out of her car, PJ commented on the random toys children of the complex had left lying around.
"Every time I see a child's toy just laying around, I want to pick it up, and toss it in the dumpster. Every time."
She giggled and loved how on the same dark page they were. "I actually threw away one of the darts earlier."
They got the truck back on time, and chatted with the employee as he checked them out. He had greeted them with a "Happy Mother's Day" which perplexed her. Did she really look that pregnant? KSL later blamed it on his balding head in addition to her apparent advanced age.
They grabbed vodka, ice, and mixers to enjoy in the new apartment. Her body was already starting to break down from too much activity on a non-working thyroid. She guessed it was going to get worse before it got better, but so far she was just too much in pain to sleep.
KSL invited her to watch a movie since he had set up the TV in his room already. "Make yourself at home" he said, gesturing vaguely.
"I am home." She said. As stressful as the day had been, they had gotten through it together. All their things were under this roof.
"That was kind of sweet" he replied.
She settled poorly into his love sac, and he crawled into his bed.
They turned on a stand up special, but after a bit the day started to wear down on her, along with the booze. He asked her if she was falling asleep several times, thus keeping her from drifting off too much. He continued to keep her from drifting off, until suddenly she heard him snoring. The TV was glowing on the menu screen; they must have both fallen asleep.
She quietly clamored out of the love sac, turned off his TV and light, and crawled into her own bed for some fitful sleep. She was starting one of the busiest work weeks of the year the next day, and she couldn't afford to be out of it.
She couldn't. She just needed to get through the day. Her ex was helping for a bit, she didn't want to waste his time, and the truck rental had sprung it on her that she actually had to have the truck back by 5pm or else she would get charged for an overnight.
The amount of money she was spending on this move was piling up and she was starting to panic about her finances.
She and KSL's styles on how to move were wildly different, and she tried her best to go with the flow of everything throughout the day, even though that's not who she was. She felt a huge sense of relief when PJ showed up for a little while to help them with the last of KSL's stuff, ensuring that she would get the truck back in time.
As they walked along the path from the apartment to get things out of her car, PJ commented on the random toys children of the complex had left lying around.
"Every time I see a child's toy just laying around, I want to pick it up, and toss it in the dumpster. Every time."
She giggled and loved how on the same dark page they were. "I actually threw away one of the darts earlier."
They got the truck back on time, and chatted with the employee as he checked them out. He had greeted them with a "Happy Mother's Day" which perplexed her. Did she really look that pregnant? KSL later blamed it on his balding head in addition to her apparent advanced age.
They grabbed vodka, ice, and mixers to enjoy in the new apartment. Her body was already starting to break down from too much activity on a non-working thyroid. She guessed it was going to get worse before it got better, but so far she was just too much in pain to sleep.
KSL invited her to watch a movie since he had set up the TV in his room already. "Make yourself at home" he said, gesturing vaguely.
"I am home." She said. As stressful as the day had been, they had gotten through it together. All their things were under this roof.
"That was kind of sweet" he replied.
She settled poorly into his love sac, and he crawled into his bed.
They turned on a stand up special, but after a bit the day started to wear down on her, along with the booze. He asked her if she was falling asleep several times, thus keeping her from drifting off too much. He continued to keep her from drifting off, until suddenly she heard him snoring. The TV was glowing on the menu screen; they must have both fallen asleep.
She quietly clamored out of the love sac, turned off his TV and light, and crawled into her own bed for some fitful sleep. She was starting one of the busiest work weeks of the year the next day, and she couldn't afford to be out of it.
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Transient
During one of their intense post-coital talks, she gave him a hard time about not being able to commit to anything, while he said she never took any risks.
"Why would I? I'm happy right now. I've got friends, a job that I love. Why would I want to blow up my life just for fun?"
They decided their differences stemmed from upbringing. His family moved around every few years, whereas her mom was still living in the same house she'd spent in life in from 3 months old onward. They always had different jobs, so he always got bored with his jobs every few years. She wanted a "forever home" job where she worked there until she retired or died, never having to worry about getting fired.
His marriage only lasted 4 years...her's lasted over a decade.
They were pretty different on that front. He was a transient, in all senses of the word.
He was only going to last in her life for a short period of time. Impermanent.
He was a momentary variation in her current, voltage, frequency. He was living in a trailer just a few towns over, and was planning on moving to a couch in Southern California soon. He wasn't meant to stick around any longer than he did.
So it shouldn't have surprised her when he didn't show up for their last meeting, instead choosing to drink all night with his ex, nearly missing his graduation.
"Sorry it didn't work out." he texted nonchalantly.
"Yeah. Honestly I'm not sure why I expected anything different from you. Good lesson for me though. I'd say keep in touch but you were never great at that, so I guess I just wish you the best."
He didn't respond. Again, she didn't expect him to. But this time, she needed to give him a month before she unfriended him on all social media and forget he even existed.
"Why would I? I'm happy right now. I've got friends, a job that I love. Why would I want to blow up my life just for fun?"
They decided their differences stemmed from upbringing. His family moved around every few years, whereas her mom was still living in the same house she'd spent in life in from 3 months old onward. They always had different jobs, so he always got bored with his jobs every few years. She wanted a "forever home" job where she worked there until she retired or died, never having to worry about getting fired.
His marriage only lasted 4 years...her's lasted over a decade.
They were pretty different on that front. He was a transient, in all senses of the word.
He was only going to last in her life for a short period of time. Impermanent.
He was a momentary variation in her current, voltage, frequency. He was living in a trailer just a few towns over, and was planning on moving to a couch in Southern California soon. He wasn't meant to stick around any longer than he did.
So it shouldn't have surprised her when he didn't show up for their last meeting, instead choosing to drink all night with his ex, nearly missing his graduation.
"Sorry it didn't work out." he texted nonchalantly.
"Yeah. Honestly I'm not sure why I expected anything different from you. Good lesson for me though. I'd say keep in touch but you were never great at that, so I guess I just wish you the best."
He didn't respond. Again, she didn't expect him to. But this time, she needed to give him a month before she unfriended him on all social media and forget he even existed.
Monday, May 21, 2018
Tryst
They spent the next two weekends together, with him spending the night and them having sex until they ran out of the condoms that she had since the last time she'd been with him.
He was leaving soon, so she didn't attach any meaning to it. The sex wasn't as good as before either, because she knew it wasn't based in romantic affection for her, or anything other than him being horny.
She shouldn't have started it, it was bad for her self esteem. Luckily there was an end date to this tryst, and she almost looked forward to him moving. She still had fun going out drinking with him, and having great conversations. He seemed to confide things in her that he normally wouldn't to other people.
They went to the new improv show together, and she told him she would catch some shit later for it. "Why?"
"Because all they know is you kinda broke my heart and now suddenly you are back in the picture. Some of them aren't going to like it."
She ended up being shocked because no one really said a word about it except for Goldie a few days later, and she just said "Are you guys sh-banging again?" like there was no possible way they could be in a relationship again.
Had she ever even been in a real relationship? It certainly didn't feel like it.
He was leaving soon, so she didn't attach any meaning to it. The sex wasn't as good as before either, because she knew it wasn't based in romantic affection for her, or anything other than him being horny.
She shouldn't have started it, it was bad for her self esteem. Luckily there was an end date to this tryst, and she almost looked forward to him moving. She still had fun going out drinking with him, and having great conversations. He seemed to confide things in her that he normally wouldn't to other people.
They went to the new improv show together, and she told him she would catch some shit later for it. "Why?"
"Because all they know is you kinda broke my heart and now suddenly you are back in the picture. Some of them aren't going to like it."
She ended up being shocked because no one really said a word about it except for Goldie a few days later, and she just said "Are you guys sh-banging again?" like there was no possible way they could be in a relationship again.
Had she ever even been in a real relationship? It certainly didn't feel like it.
Friday, May 4, 2018
Skin Hunger
Piz followed her closely and went to check out her view. She stood by the couch and took off her sweater. She went to take a step towards him and realized that was what she had done the last time. She only had to wait a few seconds before he turned around and walked to her.
After the disappointing night with Mel, she appreciated how much he took his time just kissing her, touching her, not just ripping her clothes off. His touch continued to be addictive, and she was lost in it.
The sex was fantastic, as usual...but there was something missing. It was like having one of the greatest hamburgers of her life, but someone had forgotten the ketchup. Though he lavished her with attention, it no longer held the emotional impact it once did. He said he wanted to make her orgasm, but wasn't doing the things he needed to do for her to get there. She didn't return the favor, seeing as how she was sure he had unprotected sex with his ex and she was having sex with him.
4 condoms and half the night later, they were spent. He pulled her under the covers and snuggled up to her. The way he held her was still unparalleled. She felt good, safe. He must be uncomfortable but still he held her to him.
At some point during the night she got up to get some water, came back and he didn't immediately reach out for her. She realized with some finality that this was it. Even though he was giving her forehead kisses in his sleep, waking up to make out with her, and looking deep into her eyes before wishing her sweet dreams...it meant nothing.
They woke up early due to the sunrise streaming into her high rise, illuminating the few boxes she had scattered around her space. He kissed her good morning and put his hand lovingly on her face, then through her hair. "Was your hair this long when we were together? It's so great."
Though it was early, they easily launched into a serious discussion about the friend situation waiting for him back home. His friend was going through a really rough time and having a drinking problem, as was his other friend/future roommate.
"Maybe you guys need to do a dry summer. Or get a hobby. Something to look forward to." She advised. He agreed that a break from drinking would be good, considering he felt like he had a small hangover from his 4 drinks last night.
He went to take a shower, and she remembered that she had been texting KSL about the whole ordeal. She grabbed her phone and read the last few messages they'd exchanged.
"Look up 'skin hunger.' It's a thing. Perhaps it's been too long since you've fed your body."
It had been just a few days shy of a year and five months since she'd last had sex. She guessed that played into it, along with booze last night.
Although it was 7 in the morning, she texted him again. "I can't get attached to any of it. I know he isn't interested in anything, he's leaving in 3 weeks. I can't connect. It's just...there."
"Well yeah, that's why being a demisexual sucks." he texted back.
Piz got out of the shower and said he should go to the university to work on this paper a little bit. He gave her a hug and asked if she had fun last night. The question hit her as absurd and she stuttered a bit, saying "yeah, but...I mean...you are leaving in 3 weeks." He seemed a little hurt and upset, and she couldn't quite read his emotions. She told him it was fine, she just needed to sort stuff out in her head. She offered up her apartment a couple of times a week for him to have a place to sleep. His eyebrows went up and she said "Not for sex, you used up all my condoms last night anyway, just in general."
"I would just feel like I'm imposing Penny, I don't know."
"If you were bugging me you'd be gone. You know that right?"
"Okay...I'll think about it."
And she would be sure to overthink about it all.
After the disappointing night with Mel, she appreciated how much he took his time just kissing her, touching her, not just ripping her clothes off. His touch continued to be addictive, and she was lost in it.
The sex was fantastic, as usual...but there was something missing. It was like having one of the greatest hamburgers of her life, but someone had forgotten the ketchup. Though he lavished her with attention, it no longer held the emotional impact it once did. He said he wanted to make her orgasm, but wasn't doing the things he needed to do for her to get there. She didn't return the favor, seeing as how she was sure he had unprotected sex with his ex and she was having sex with him.
4 condoms and half the night later, they were spent. He pulled her under the covers and snuggled up to her. The way he held her was still unparalleled. She felt good, safe. He must be uncomfortable but still he held her to him.
At some point during the night she got up to get some water, came back and he didn't immediately reach out for her. She realized with some finality that this was it. Even though he was giving her forehead kisses in his sleep, waking up to make out with her, and looking deep into her eyes before wishing her sweet dreams...it meant nothing.
They woke up early due to the sunrise streaming into her high rise, illuminating the few boxes she had scattered around her space. He kissed her good morning and put his hand lovingly on her face, then through her hair. "Was your hair this long when we were together? It's so great."
Though it was early, they easily launched into a serious discussion about the friend situation waiting for him back home. His friend was going through a really rough time and having a drinking problem, as was his other friend/future roommate.
"Maybe you guys need to do a dry summer. Or get a hobby. Something to look forward to." She advised. He agreed that a break from drinking would be good, considering he felt like he had a small hangover from his 4 drinks last night.
He went to take a shower, and she remembered that she had been texting KSL about the whole ordeal. She grabbed her phone and read the last few messages they'd exchanged.
"Look up 'skin hunger.' It's a thing. Perhaps it's been too long since you've fed your body."
It had been just a few days shy of a year and five months since she'd last had sex. She guessed that played into it, along with booze last night.
Although it was 7 in the morning, she texted him again. "I can't get attached to any of it. I know he isn't interested in anything, he's leaving in 3 weeks. I can't connect. It's just...there."
"Well yeah, that's why being a demisexual sucks." he texted back.
Piz got out of the shower and said he should go to the university to work on this paper a little bit. He gave her a hug and asked if she had fun last night. The question hit her as absurd and she stuttered a bit, saying "yeah, but...I mean...you are leaving in 3 weeks." He seemed a little hurt and upset, and she couldn't quite read his emotions. She told him it was fine, she just needed to sort stuff out in her head. She offered up her apartment a couple of times a week for him to have a place to sleep. His eyebrows went up and she said "Not for sex, you used up all my condoms last night anyway, just in general."
"I would just feel like I'm imposing Penny, I don't know."
"If you were bugging me you'd be gone. You know that right?"
"Okay...I'll think about it."
And she would be sure to overthink about it all.
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
Rekindling
It had been a bear of a week, and she took off work early and texted Piz, wondering if he was in town and wanted to grab a drink.
He was in the library at the university writing a paper, and asked her if they could meet up in an hour. She said sure and headed home. As she walked in the door she got a call from Piz saying he couldn't concentrate any more. When he walked through the door, he was smelly and looked very tired. He'd been at school working tirelessly and had moved into a trailer with his dad for the last few weeks of school. "Do you need a shower?" She asked, half joking. "Yeah, and maybe I could crash on your couch tonight."
They had trouble deciding what they wanted to do, so he headed over to her apartment where they talked for awhile before deciding on the local bar at the base of her building for the cheap drinks and apps.
She talked about how her grapefruit beer and avocado fries combo was a favorite of her and 21's, but with him being in England she never got to get it. When they were out last week they had an amazing conversation where she called him a coward and he told her she never took any risks. They survived that, and it was so nice to be with him again. After a few more stories and a second beer for him, they decided to go to the Speakeasy they had attempted to go to a couple of weeks ago.
They were a little disappointed that they didn't ask for the password, they just walked right in. Piz mentioned the password to the bartender, as it was a drink he had quite a bit when he was stationed in Brasil for awhile. The bartender was obsessed with flavor profiles, and pointed out that they had meatballs for customers as well by the bar. They each had a couple and agreed they were great, although the drinks were so strong that she could barely taste them anyway.
The BBQ meatball seemed to invigorate him, and he perked up for the first time all night. She couldn't help but keep smiling at him, he was such an adorable child when things made him happy, it was infectious.
He noticed her smiling and asked "What?"
Her smile lowered a little bit, and she said "I'm just going to miss you when you leave. I know you won't be coming back."
He looked at her, and she held his gaze. "You were just an important part of my life, and now it's over."
"I know I've said this before, but your eyes are so pretty. I could stare into them forever."
She melted. The spark was still there between them. She wasn't sure if it had always been that way or not.
They walked across the skyway back to her apartment. She grabbed for his hand to lead him inside, and they stopped by the saunas for a minute and talked about going in but couldn't reach a decision.
"I don't know Penny...what do you want to do?"
She looked him, and said "I want to go upstairs. What do you want to do?"
He searched her eyes, then leaned down to kiss her before answering.
"I want to fuck your brains out."
He was in the library at the university writing a paper, and asked her if they could meet up in an hour. She said sure and headed home. As she walked in the door she got a call from Piz saying he couldn't concentrate any more. When he walked through the door, he was smelly and looked very tired. He'd been at school working tirelessly and had moved into a trailer with his dad for the last few weeks of school. "Do you need a shower?" She asked, half joking. "Yeah, and maybe I could crash on your couch tonight."
They had trouble deciding what they wanted to do, so he headed over to her apartment where they talked for awhile before deciding on the local bar at the base of her building for the cheap drinks and apps.
She talked about how her grapefruit beer and avocado fries combo was a favorite of her and 21's, but with him being in England she never got to get it. When they were out last week they had an amazing conversation where she called him a coward and he told her she never took any risks. They survived that, and it was so nice to be with him again. After a few more stories and a second beer for him, they decided to go to the Speakeasy they had attempted to go to a couple of weeks ago.
They were a little disappointed that they didn't ask for the password, they just walked right in. Piz mentioned the password to the bartender, as it was a drink he had quite a bit when he was stationed in Brasil for awhile. The bartender was obsessed with flavor profiles, and pointed out that they had meatballs for customers as well by the bar. They each had a couple and agreed they were great, although the drinks were so strong that she could barely taste them anyway.
The BBQ meatball seemed to invigorate him, and he perked up for the first time all night. She couldn't help but keep smiling at him, he was such an adorable child when things made him happy, it was infectious.
He noticed her smiling and asked "What?"
Her smile lowered a little bit, and she said "I'm just going to miss you when you leave. I know you won't be coming back."
He looked at her, and she held his gaze. "You were just an important part of my life, and now it's over."
"I know I've said this before, but your eyes are so pretty. I could stare into them forever."
She melted. The spark was still there between them. She wasn't sure if it had always been that way or not.
They walked across the skyway back to her apartment. She grabbed for his hand to lead him inside, and they stopped by the saunas for a minute and talked about going in but couldn't reach a decision.
"I don't know Penny...what do you want to do?"
She looked him, and said "I want to go upstairs. What do you want to do?"
He searched her eyes, then leaned down to kiss her before answering.
"I want to fuck your brains out."
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