The fatigue continued to plague her throughout the run of the show. She used to have a hard time sleeping even in her own bed, but now she could fall asleep almost anywhere. She chalked it up to the sinus infection, the stress of work and the show and never being alone. She knew this fatigue was much worse than it had been before she had been on medication, but she pushed it aside and keep moving forward as best as she could.
It all came to a head the last night of the show. She got into a fight with KSL that took her to an edge she rarely went to. She raised her voice, talked over him because she was sick of being marginalized and was just all around over the situation. It was finally over so she felt herself spewing forth all the things she'd been holding back "for the sake of the show."
The next day she'd thought about her feelings and the situation and how it could be improved, and finally came upon a solution; she must stop caring about what he thought of her. She would never be able to help him, never be able to get to the level of caring that he needed.
So why try.
She had been hiding parts of who she was, 'dulling her shine' as PJ called it, and she was over it. She decided to be 100% who she was with reckless abandon from here on out. If she wanted to do something she'd do it, and she wouldn't if she wasn't feeling it. She had just freed herself two years ago, she wasn't about to hide herself away again so quickly.
She went about the day with her freedom, playing with the small plastic dinosaurs a cast member had gotten her every time she walked by. She finally had some time to herself to enjoy the easy, stress free life.
That night was KSL's movie night, and it seemed that only couples were showing up. At least it wasn't just going to be the awkwardness of KSL trying to canoodle with his ex, but then his ex didn't end up showing up. Mel's ex did however, but it wasn't awkward. She assumed that she was aware of their shared man but beautifully never brought it up or let it get in the way of their friendship. She was kind of an Angel.
Angel ended up snuggling up next to her, and the platonic affection was really nice. She cursed herself for being an empath as she noticed KSL get more and more agitated by the fact that he was the only one not cuddling with someone else. A passive aggressive tweet he sent out in the middle of the movie confirmed his feelings.
Angel hung back for a bit to talk, and then once she was out the door, she confronted KSL. "What's with the tweet buddy?" Then she realized he was drunk. He admitted as much, and hugged her and stated how he was just suddenly really lonely. Maybe it was just the couples, maybe it was the end of the show...but he was clearly upset.
The polar icecaps around her heart melted a bit towards him, and she said that they could cuddle on the couch and watch a couple of shows until he sobered up, then he could go to sleep. She had a bit to drink herself and wasn't going to bed anytime soon.
After an episode he went from having his arm around her to around the couch. She figured he'd sobered up enough that he was physically uncomfortable around her once again, and she prodded a bit on if he was 'over' the cuddle session. He insisted that he wasn't, but she commented it was basically her leaning into him and nothing more, and if that was going to be all there was then she could go back to her side of the couch.
"Okay fine, here, does this help?" He leaned over her and started kissing her.
Her heart dropped into her stomach. Tears stung her eyes but she managed to hold them back. Never before had she been so utterly sad to have someone kiss her, so used. He was lonely, and she was there. She was completely interchangeable from anyone else who could be sitting on that couch with him. Strange how a kiss can make you feel not special at all to the person currently kissing you.
She waited for him to notice that she wasn't kissing him back, until he finally stopped. "There, is that better?" He asked.
She dropped her head onto his chest and said "No. We aren't doing that buddy."
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
The Sinus Infection
Seething hatred for herself. So weak. She continued to beat herself up as she felt herself slip further and further into fatigue and self-doubt.
A headache had started days ago, and it ebbed and flowed through her cranium. Just when she thought it was gone, it would return full force. Everyone was too loud, everything too bright. KSL sent her on an errand and she had to keep her sunglasses on in the store, it was too bright. She was too fatigued and messed it all up. KSL pretended like he wasn't upset about it, but clearly he was.
One of the actors said that his wife has lupus, so he understood that sometimes...really all the time, was constant pain. Most of the time she could hide it, but it looked like she was having a harder time.
Maybe she should find another place. Then KSL's friend could give away her dog and move in and then he'd be happy, and she could go back to not having to pretend 24/7 that she was okay. He was clearly embarrassed by her, or still just too worried about what people would think. His movie night was a scary movie, and she didn't mean to be scooting towards him but she was tired, therefore weak, therefore looking for someone to lean on.
If she'd been his ex, he would have snuggled with her. If she'd been his friend, any other friend, he would have comforted her.
But she wasn't someone else. She must be avoided at all costs, even if that meant giving up "his spot" on the couch. Had she'd not been sick, weak...she wouldn't have bothered sitting by him at all. Wouldn't had even been there. She considered just going out and sleeping in her car, but she felt too sick. She slept through most of the second movie in his spot, and continued to beat herself up through the next day as her headache worsened.
A headache had started days ago, and it ebbed and flowed through her cranium. Just when she thought it was gone, it would return full force. Everyone was too loud, everything too bright. KSL sent her on an errand and she had to keep her sunglasses on in the store, it was too bright. She was too fatigued and messed it all up. KSL pretended like he wasn't upset about it, but clearly he was.
One of the actors said that his wife has lupus, so he understood that sometimes...really all the time, was constant pain. Most of the time she could hide it, but it looked like she was having a harder time.
Maybe she should find another place. Then KSL's friend could give away her dog and move in and then he'd be happy, and she could go back to not having to pretend 24/7 that she was okay. He was clearly embarrassed by her, or still just too worried about what people would think. His movie night was a scary movie, and she didn't mean to be scooting towards him but she was tired, therefore weak, therefore looking for someone to lean on.
If she'd been his ex, he would have snuggled with her. If she'd been his friend, any other friend, he would have comforted her.
But she wasn't someone else. She must be avoided at all costs, even if that meant giving up "his spot" on the couch. Had she'd not been sick, weak...she wouldn't have bothered sitting by him at all. Wouldn't had even been there. She considered just going out and sleeping in her car, but she felt too sick. She slept through most of the second movie in his spot, and continued to beat herself up through the next day as her headache worsened.
Monday, July 16, 2018
A Sinking Ship
KSL admitted a pattern of needy women in his life. He had asked her why she had chosen to move in with him, and she had given him a long, well thought out answer. They talked a lot about their issues as roommates, and how improvements could be made. Eventually though, it had gotten late and KSL wanted to continue the conversation later. She knew the chances of that happening were slim.
He had expressed several times that everyone cried on him; his mom, his friends, his past girlfriends. So even when she was desperately upset after everything went down with Mel, she kept it to herself, or tried to. KSL had become fairly empathetic himself and could always sense when something was wrong with her.
He was also having a stressful time with not having a car and directing a show along with work. He put himself under a lot of pressure to succeed, and beat himself down whenever he felt like it wasn't working.
So she didn't cry on his shoulder. She didn't ask for hugs she desperately needed. She did without, so that he could catch a break from people leaning on him. She continued to weather her own storm and hoped that sometime in the future, someone would be able to be there for her.
He had expressed several times that everyone cried on him; his mom, his friends, his past girlfriends. So even when she was desperately upset after everything went down with Mel, she kept it to herself, or tried to. KSL had become fairly empathetic himself and could always sense when something was wrong with her.
He was also having a stressful time with not having a car and directing a show along with work. He put himself under a lot of pressure to succeed, and beat himself down whenever he felt like it wasn't working.
So she didn't cry on his shoulder. She didn't ask for hugs she desperately needed. She did without, so that he could catch a break from people leaning on him. She continued to weather her own storm and hoped that sometime in the future, someone would be able to be there for her.
Friday, July 13, 2018
Facebook Memories
Social Media felt the need to remind her that it had been 2 years since she and her ex had publicly split. Privately they had been apart for 4 months before that.
Why did it still haunt her every day? Why did she feel like she'd made a mistake...every day? Every night before bed, she was painfully reminded that this small bed now belonged to her, and it was not likely anyone would ever join her in it. She longed for the feeling she had gotten the first time she was with Piz, when even in sleep he had reached out for her.
She and the ex were trying to get back to being friends even though it was still difficult. One day when they were speaking he said he didn't want to start drama, but Mel had told someone that she had called them a word she didn't use lightly. She hadn't said it, and her ex believed her, said he knew she wouldn't do something like that. It was nice that someone still knew her in that way, knew that she was a good person without even having to really check with her. He said he only brought it up because she deserved to know what was being said behind her back.
Her heart sank as she realized this meant that Mel wasn't keeping his mouth shut about much, and her ex must know about them. She told him that she had already distanced herself from Mel, and now that action felt vindicated somehow, so it was okay.
She and the ex went to see a bad play together and had a drink afterwards, and it was a really nice time. She forgot how much she missed having conversations with him. He almost never looked at his phone throughout the evening, which was very unlike him. Maybe he was finally growing up a little. She was happy for him, and hoped that he was feeling better than she was.
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
One of Many Breaking Points
She hadn't been getting much sleep since her neighbor's had been letting their baby "cry it out" for weeks. She'd made a joke on social media about calling CPS that had backfired spectacularly. All her new parent friends didn't see it as a joke and got slightly aggressive.
Her mental health still wasn't where it should have been, and she didn't know why. She didn't ever know what she was doing differently so she could fix it.
One of KSL's friends was at the apartment having a heart to heart with KSL, and she got a little sucked in, trying to help.
The girl was having a hard time with her living situation, and said to KSL "I wish I had gotten to move in with you. We are so similar, we are the same level of clean and we like all the same things...it would have been perfect." She sat on the couch and sobbed into KSL's chest.
"I didn't know you were looking for anything..." KSL answered. Her logical brain knew he was saying this and meant it, but her emotions told her that in that moment he would have jumped ship if he could. Her irrational heart told her that she was in the way, again, of someone's happiness. Why had she been selfish enough to room up with someone when she clearly deserved to be alone forever. Hell, maybe she should take her mom up on her offer to just buy her a house so that she'd be out of everyone's way.
She knew she needed to go somewhere to be cheered up. She didn't really have close friends any longer, so she found herself at Mel's bar. His greeting to her was lacking in any real feelings, and her irrational mind took over once more. What was she even doing with him besides wasting both of their times? She felt empty when she was with him now. They had started this to just have fun and be casual...and it was coming up on a year and it was starting to feel terrible for her.
The next morning she texted him to tell him it was over. She wanted it all to be over.
Her mental health still wasn't where it should have been, and she didn't know why. She didn't ever know what she was doing differently so she could fix it.
One of KSL's friends was at the apartment having a heart to heart with KSL, and she got a little sucked in, trying to help.
The girl was having a hard time with her living situation, and said to KSL "I wish I had gotten to move in with you. We are so similar, we are the same level of clean and we like all the same things...it would have been perfect." She sat on the couch and sobbed into KSL's chest.
"I didn't know you were looking for anything..." KSL answered. Her logical brain knew he was saying this and meant it, but her emotions told her that in that moment he would have jumped ship if he could. Her irrational heart told her that she was in the way, again, of someone's happiness. Why had she been selfish enough to room up with someone when she clearly deserved to be alone forever. Hell, maybe she should take her mom up on her offer to just buy her a house so that she'd be out of everyone's way.
She knew she needed to go somewhere to be cheered up. She didn't really have close friends any longer, so she found herself at Mel's bar. His greeting to her was lacking in any real feelings, and her irrational mind took over once more. What was she even doing with him besides wasting both of their times? She felt empty when she was with him now. They had started this to just have fun and be casual...and it was coming up on a year and it was starting to feel terrible for her.
The next morning she texted him to tell him it was over. She wanted it all to be over.
Friday, July 6, 2018
The Death of Love
She had quickly discovered that by not helping, actively not taking action...made it even obvious how totally alone she was.
She talked to a friend who was one of those types that were always looking for the ultimate love, and frustrated that it didn't come in bulk at her local corner store.
She couldn't give her false hope or say that there was someone out there for her, because in all honesty...she wasn't quite sure that was true anymore.
Maybe the idea of love is so prominent in movies and shows because it is actually rare. It's not for everyone. Just like not everyone is rich, maybe not everyone gets love.
All those people that stick around for years on the dating sites she kept coming back to weren't finding love. Neither was she. The more and more she thought about it, it was possible she never actually had it.
She had friends that had found it, she knew it existed. Maybe it was just luck on their part.
It was getting her down. She spent an afternoon on the couch, being quiet and decompressing. She'd had hardly any time to herself and thought that it was possible that her depression was coming from not a lot of alone time.
The depression continued for the next month. She stopped writing, stopped caring about anything.
She talked to a friend who was one of those types that were always looking for the ultimate love, and frustrated that it didn't come in bulk at her local corner store.
She couldn't give her false hope or say that there was someone out there for her, because in all honesty...she wasn't quite sure that was true anymore.
Maybe the idea of love is so prominent in movies and shows because it is actually rare. It's not for everyone. Just like not everyone is rich, maybe not everyone gets love.
All those people that stick around for years on the dating sites she kept coming back to weren't finding love. Neither was she. The more and more she thought about it, it was possible she never actually had it.
She had friends that had found it, she knew it existed. Maybe it was just luck on their part.
It was getting her down. She spent an afternoon on the couch, being quiet and decompressing. She'd had hardly any time to herself and thought that it was possible that her depression was coming from not a lot of alone time.
The depression continued for the next month. She stopped writing, stopped caring about anything.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)