Goldie picked her up after work and they went over to the hotel to set up the booth for the event on the weekend. Goldie had employed several volunteers to help them load stuff in; a couple that had been together for 14 years, and a young filmmaker she'd met in passing at a festival. She barely remembered him, but when Goldie asked if they had met he said yes a little too quickly.
The load in was brutal and tiring, but amongst the talk the filmmaker said that he would take the spare TV she had in her apartment. He had plans later that night however, so when they were saying goodbye outside of the car she told him to friend request her on Facebook and they'd make plans later for him to take it.
As soon as she got back in the car Goldie said "He's totally into you, but he's really young."
"Obviously, way too young to fuck with for sure. That's flattering though!"
It was the only confidence boost she'd had in awhile. She decided to take it.
Monday, April 24, 2017
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Another Night, Another Dream
"The non-dates are weird. But I'm sort of okay with it." She explained to Goldie.
"Respectable guys that are looking for a relationship will wait until the 4th date. He'll kiss you on the next date. You just have to go in for that hug where you stay in the hug but pull your face back to look at him. He'll go for it." She had no idea where Goldie picked these things up. She was about to remind her that the Disney Friends With Benefits thing didn't exist, then she remembered her first kiss on the cheek from KSL that she over thought about. That was pretty much exactly how that kiss had gone down, so maybe she was onto something.
"And how is everything with KSL going?" Goldie asked. "It's great," she explained. "We are just being friends ever since New Years, and it's been great. He's there for me, he's a great friend. We are doing really well."
As if his ears were burning, his text tone came through her phone. They had made plans for hanging out later that night and he was on his way over. She said goodbye to Goldie and headed downstairs to her studio.
They spent the evening watching videos on YouTube on his phone, talking and joking like old times. She again asked him if it really was okay if he took care of her during her surgery. He again said it wasn't a problem, he was happy to do it.
She told him about the fight she and MG had about her and KSL's friendship. "She really wants to think that you are being mean and abusive, and I keep telling her that you and are good, we are in a really good place."
"We are," KSL said. "I've been trying really hard to keep it good like this."
Her heart twisted slightly. "You've been...trying? It's been hard?"
He was silent, realizing his mistake. "I...those were the wrong words."
"Uh-huh."
Her head swam. Was he "trying" to keep it platonic when he actually wanted to just ditch the friendship and had sex with her? Was he trying to keep it friendly instead of romantic? What was hard about it?
His ego never really recovered from it, and soon after he stood up to leave. She stood up with him to walk him out, saying "can't make it harder for you than it already is right?" He shook his head and pulled her in for a long hug. It was warm, nice. "Okay?" He said after he pulled away.
"What, you think a long hug will make me forget everything?" She smirked. He reached out and booped her nose, and she grabbed him and they wrestled for a short time before he threw her on the bed and made a break for the front door. She chased after him and smacked him on the ass, stopping him cold. He turned around and stated the obvious. She smirked and then booped him on the nose.
He faked being offended as long as he could before a smile broke out on his face. She let her face fall a little and asked him softly "Is it hard to be my friend?"
He frowned and said "No, not at all." and pulled her in for another hug. He pulled away just enough to swoop down and give her a kiss on the forehead.
"Hey now..." she said to him. He pulled out of the hug and walked to the elevator, promising to say when he was home safe.
"Home" came the simple text reply. She said "Thank you. Tonight was good, we should do it again soon. Want to split those vitamins I'm going to pick up Saturday?"
"I'd be down."
She sent him a thumbs up, assuming the end of the conversation. Three minutes later he texted again.
"Night"
"Goodnight" she responded.
"Respectable guys that are looking for a relationship will wait until the 4th date. He'll kiss you on the next date. You just have to go in for that hug where you stay in the hug but pull your face back to look at him. He'll go for it." She had no idea where Goldie picked these things up. She was about to remind her that the Disney Friends With Benefits thing didn't exist, then she remembered her first kiss on the cheek from KSL that she over thought about. That was pretty much exactly how that kiss had gone down, so maybe she was onto something.
"And how is everything with KSL going?" Goldie asked. "It's great," she explained. "We are just being friends ever since New Years, and it's been great. He's there for me, he's a great friend. We are doing really well."
As if his ears were burning, his text tone came through her phone. They had made plans for hanging out later that night and he was on his way over. She said goodbye to Goldie and headed downstairs to her studio.
They spent the evening watching videos on YouTube on his phone, talking and joking like old times. She again asked him if it really was okay if he took care of her during her surgery. He again said it wasn't a problem, he was happy to do it.
She told him about the fight she and MG had about her and KSL's friendship. "She really wants to think that you are being mean and abusive, and I keep telling her that you and are good, we are in a really good place."
"We are," KSL said. "I've been trying really hard to keep it good like this."
Her heart twisted slightly. "You've been...trying? It's been hard?"
He was silent, realizing his mistake. "I...those were the wrong words."
"Uh-huh."
Her head swam. Was he "trying" to keep it platonic when he actually wanted to just ditch the friendship and had sex with her? Was he trying to keep it friendly instead of romantic? What was hard about it?
His ego never really recovered from it, and soon after he stood up to leave. She stood up with him to walk him out, saying "can't make it harder for you than it already is right?" He shook his head and pulled her in for a long hug. It was warm, nice. "Okay?" He said after he pulled away.
"What, you think a long hug will make me forget everything?" She smirked. He reached out and booped her nose, and she grabbed him and they wrestled for a short time before he threw her on the bed and made a break for the front door. She chased after him and smacked him on the ass, stopping him cold. He turned around and stated the obvious. She smirked and then booped him on the nose.
He faked being offended as long as he could before a smile broke out on his face. She let her face fall a little and asked him softly "Is it hard to be my friend?"
He frowned and said "No, not at all." and pulled her in for another hug. He pulled away just enough to swoop down and give her a kiss on the forehead.
"Hey now..." she said to him. He pulled out of the hug and walked to the elevator, promising to say when he was home safe.
"Home" came the simple text reply. She said "Thank you. Tonight was good, we should do it again soon. Want to split those vitamins I'm going to pick up Saturday?"
"I'd be down."
She sent him a thumbs up, assuming the end of the conversation. Three minutes later he texted again.
"Night"
"Goodnight" she responded.
Open Letter to Piz
Dear Piz,
It's been almost 2 months since you said you'd be back in town and would give me a call so we could go out for a drink. I don't really expect you to contact me again, but there are still things I feel I need to say.
I've forgotten how you feel. I sleep on the pillow I put on my bed for you, but it no longer reminds me of sleeping on your chest. I don't remember exactly where all your tattoos were on your body.
I've forgotten how you feel. It breaks my heart to know that I won't hear from you. I'm embarrassed that I still think of you when I've become so accustomed to not having you around anymore. I wonder if I ever see you again if I'll find you differently. Maybe your goofy grin will look awkward instead of endearing. Maybe I'll look in your eyes and instead of caring, I'll finally see indifference.
I understand why you wanted to end things. I get that you needed to concentrate on your studies and your move and training. I get that you felt guilty for trying to get more out of me after we broke up then you should have. It was not fair to me for you to freak out and leave.
You know you were being a coward but letting me wait for two weeks until I made the first move. Then you apologized and never texted me back. Don't bring up that we could be friends when you have no interest in it.
You said that what we had was more than you using me as a warm body, but what else am I to believe at this point? You seem to be doing just fine ignoring me. You still don't go a full week without checking into the dating app. You unintentionally hurt me at every turn, because you lied. You said I wasn't just a warm body. I remember clearly lying in bed with you, you looking deep into my eyes and saying "You know that isn't what this is, right? This isn't just a fling for me."
But it was. It was worse, it was a rebound. I became the thing that I didn't want to be. To date I've only been someone's rebound girl. That became a trend because of you. And I know you didn't mean it. I know that you ended up caring too much which is why it ended the way it did. But that also just wasn't fair to me.
You said that when you moved back we could maybe start over. I wish you would have never said that, because my subconscious keeps thinking about that. Holding onto that possibility. Making plans. Like an idiot, because you are never going to call me back. Because you are a coward.
And I don't want to date a coward. So I'm writing this to you to release you from my heart. Because I don't even remember how you feel. But I remember how I feel, everyday. And it's not fair to me.
It's been almost 2 months since you said you'd be back in town and would give me a call so we could go out for a drink. I don't really expect you to contact me again, but there are still things I feel I need to say.
I've forgotten how you feel. I sleep on the pillow I put on my bed for you, but it no longer reminds me of sleeping on your chest. I don't remember exactly where all your tattoos were on your body.
I've forgotten how you feel. It breaks my heart to know that I won't hear from you. I'm embarrassed that I still think of you when I've become so accustomed to not having you around anymore. I wonder if I ever see you again if I'll find you differently. Maybe your goofy grin will look awkward instead of endearing. Maybe I'll look in your eyes and instead of caring, I'll finally see indifference.
I understand why you wanted to end things. I get that you needed to concentrate on your studies and your move and training. I get that you felt guilty for trying to get more out of me after we broke up then you should have. It was not fair to me for you to freak out and leave.
You know you were being a coward but letting me wait for two weeks until I made the first move. Then you apologized and never texted me back. Don't bring up that we could be friends when you have no interest in it.
You said that what we had was more than you using me as a warm body, but what else am I to believe at this point? You seem to be doing just fine ignoring me. You still don't go a full week without checking into the dating app. You unintentionally hurt me at every turn, because you lied. You said I wasn't just a warm body. I remember clearly lying in bed with you, you looking deep into my eyes and saying "You know that isn't what this is, right? This isn't just a fling for me."
But it was. It was worse, it was a rebound. I became the thing that I didn't want to be. To date I've only been someone's rebound girl. That became a trend because of you. And I know you didn't mean it. I know that you ended up caring too much which is why it ended the way it did. But that also just wasn't fair to me.
You said that when you moved back we could maybe start over. I wish you would have never said that, because my subconscious keeps thinking about that. Holding onto that possibility. Making plans. Like an idiot, because you are never going to call me back. Because you are a coward.
And I don't want to date a coward. So I'm writing this to you to release you from my heart. Because I don't even remember how you feel. But I remember how I feel, everyday. And it's not fair to me.
Monday, April 17, 2017
Death and...
The ex had convinced her that filing their taxes together one last time would be beneficial. He even offered to do it. She thought, why not? He was offering, seeming to make amends. She should give him a chance.
That was in February.
For the rest of that month she assumed he had done it, but hadn't heard how much they were getting back. She suddenly realized at the beginning of April she hadn't gotten back to him. She asked how the taxes were coming. He said he would have them finished by Tuesday. On Thursday she asked again how they had gone. He said he got called into work and he would finish them that night.
Again, she trusted him to do it.
The following Monday her heart had sunk, she hadn't heard from him. She asked him if she needed to take over, her friend had offered to help. He replied "I may take you up on that. I keep having to work OT. I will try to see if I can finish them up tonight, but if not I will prep them and you can grab them tomorrow."
She grabbed them the next afternoon. He had called her and admitted that he tried getting all the tax stuff together the night before for the first time, and he found all his stuff...but none of hers. He'd managed to lose her one W2 to his four W2s.
"So, why did you just trust the ex to do the things?" KSL asked her.
"Because even after 13 years I want to believe people can change and be better, because apparently I love getting my heart trampled on." was her reply.
"What are you going to do?" KSL asked.
"Learn to never trust or love. And also get a copy of the stuff he lost and do the taxes with my friend The Accountant."
"Well the latter seems to be preferable to the former." KSL replied.
"I can't do both? Oh well, if the president can get away with tax evasion so can I" she snarked.
"I mean, you can, but it won't be fun. Any of it. I think that's an oversimplification."
She panic texted her ex-office manager who kindly emailed her another copy of her W2. She took the giant folder of paper to her friend's house. The Accountant asked her as she was on her way over what her AGI was for last year, as it would be needed to file electronically. That would mean logging into an old account from filing last year.
She remembered last year in the green tinted building, the awkward conversation with the man as she pretended to still be happily married to avoid it being awkward.
She pretended again this year to the help desk on the phone because the security question answer didn't work to log in. Her ex had put it all in his name of course, and he was currently at work and his texts were spotty.
After 2 hours of being hung up on by customer service, she turned to The Accountant with tears in her eyes and said "We just need to file the old fashion way. I'm sorry."
The Accountant was so calm and understanding, and after only 15 minutes it was done, printed out, and she was in the car on the way back to her mother's house to drop off the paperwork to be signed. She was relived that they were getting enough back to afford a divorce. She had it set up to go directly to her bank account.
She was murderous that he had dropped her with all this, yet again. Yet again she was left holding the bag and taking care of business. Like she always would.
After she dropped off the paperwork she shot him a text. "I put them by your place at the table. Please sign them and put them into an envelope but don't seal it because I haven't signed yet. I'll pick it up in the morning."
His reply "OK. What was the damage?" She was driving home and didn't answer.
"Less than $1,000?"
She was still driving.
"Well, I will see it soon enough. I will talk to you tomorrow. Happy Easter."
Her already upset demeanor became rage. What did he care either way about what the return was? And wishing her a Happy Easter? They had spent 13 years of marriage together, and he was living with her clearly Jewish mother. She had never celebrated Easter, and neither had he. Was he being passive aggressive? That wasn't like him. Either way she was pissed off.
She parked in her parking spot, took a deep breath, and answered his messages. "Around $2000. Sorry, driving home."
"Jesus!!" He answered. She ignored his text.
The next afternoon, long after she said she would be around to pick up the paperwork, he texted again.
"Oh thank god, that was a refund. I have been fretting all night how I was going to pay that."
If it was possible to make her more angry, this did. He wouldn't have even remotely worried about it. He would leave her holding the finance bag as he always did.
He was downright happy-go-lucky when she came by to pick up the paperwork. She was so mad she spoke to him in clipped sentences, saying she had milk in the car and had to get it home to a fridge.
She'd bought the milk right before heading over so she'd have an excuse to leave. She taped the huge envelope down, and walked to the post office the next morning and had it stamped, one day before the deadline.
It might takes months to see that money.
That was in February.
For the rest of that month she assumed he had done it, but hadn't heard how much they were getting back. She suddenly realized at the beginning of April she hadn't gotten back to him. She asked how the taxes were coming. He said he would have them finished by Tuesday. On Thursday she asked again how they had gone. He said he got called into work and he would finish them that night.
Again, she trusted him to do it.
The following Monday her heart had sunk, she hadn't heard from him. She asked him if she needed to take over, her friend had offered to help. He replied "I may take you up on that. I keep having to work OT. I will try to see if I can finish them up tonight, but if not I will prep them and you can grab them tomorrow."
She grabbed them the next afternoon. He had called her and admitted that he tried getting all the tax stuff together the night before for the first time, and he found all his stuff...but none of hers. He'd managed to lose her one W2 to his four W2s.
"So, why did you just trust the ex to do the things?" KSL asked her.
"Because even after 13 years I want to believe people can change and be better, because apparently I love getting my heart trampled on." was her reply.
"What are you going to do?" KSL asked.
"Learn to never trust or love. And also get a copy of the stuff he lost and do the taxes with my friend The Accountant."
"Well the latter seems to be preferable to the former." KSL replied.
"I can't do both? Oh well, if the president can get away with tax evasion so can I" she snarked.
"I mean, you can, but it won't be fun. Any of it. I think that's an oversimplification."
She panic texted her ex-office manager who kindly emailed her another copy of her W2. She took the giant folder of paper to her friend's house. The Accountant asked her as she was on her way over what her AGI was for last year, as it would be needed to file electronically. That would mean logging into an old account from filing last year.
She remembered last year in the green tinted building, the awkward conversation with the man as she pretended to still be happily married to avoid it being awkward.
She pretended again this year to the help desk on the phone because the security question answer didn't work to log in. Her ex had put it all in his name of course, and he was currently at work and his texts were spotty.
After 2 hours of being hung up on by customer service, she turned to The Accountant with tears in her eyes and said "We just need to file the old fashion way. I'm sorry."
The Accountant was so calm and understanding, and after only 15 minutes it was done, printed out, and she was in the car on the way back to her mother's house to drop off the paperwork to be signed. She was relived that they were getting enough back to afford a divorce. She had it set up to go directly to her bank account.
She was murderous that he had dropped her with all this, yet again. Yet again she was left holding the bag and taking care of business. Like she always would.
After she dropped off the paperwork she shot him a text. "I put them by your place at the table. Please sign them and put them into an envelope but don't seal it because I haven't signed yet. I'll pick it up in the morning."
His reply "OK. What was the damage?" She was driving home and didn't answer.
"Less than $1,000?"
She was still driving.
"Well, I will see it soon enough. I will talk to you tomorrow. Happy Easter."
Her already upset demeanor became rage. What did he care either way about what the return was? And wishing her a Happy Easter? They had spent 13 years of marriage together, and he was living with her clearly Jewish mother. She had never celebrated Easter, and neither had he. Was he being passive aggressive? That wasn't like him. Either way she was pissed off.
She parked in her parking spot, took a deep breath, and answered his messages. "Around $2000. Sorry, driving home."
"Jesus!!" He answered. She ignored his text.
The next afternoon, long after she said she would be around to pick up the paperwork, he texted again.
"Oh thank god, that was a refund. I have been fretting all night how I was going to pay that."
If it was possible to make her more angry, this did. He wouldn't have even remotely worried about it. He would leave her holding the finance bag as he always did.
He was downright happy-go-lucky when she came by to pick up the paperwork. She was so mad she spoke to him in clipped sentences, saying she had milk in the car and had to get it home to a fridge.
She'd bought the milk right before heading over so she'd have an excuse to leave. She taped the huge envelope down, and walked to the post office the next morning and had it stamped, one day before the deadline.
It might takes months to see that money.
Thursday, April 13, 2017
The Imaginary Boyfriend
She was waiting to jaywalk across the alleyway when a car flew past her driving a little too fast for the enclosed space. It appeared to be a dusty 90's Subaru hatchback with a dark-haired guy driving.
She always wondered what it would be like to be with a guy who didn't care about his car, maybe even be proud that he drove a beater. He would name it and show empathy when it broke down rather than anger.
Her ex always said that it was silly that she anthropomorphized objects like cars. Then he even started to do it a little himself.
She suddenly found herself imagining that guy in the car did it all by himself. The car was a "she" and he gave her some old timey name like "Bessie" and when asked would say something like "She just felt like a Bessie."
He was the type of guy who would find a nickname for you that you sort of hated to start, but after awhile hearing your real name on your lips felt strange. You would know if he ever used your real name it would mean he was serious about something.
He was the kind of guy who would laugh at your lame dad jokes, then look into your eyes and push your hair behind your ear before leaning in for a kiss.
She had just built up a Manic Pixie Dream Boy from a passing car. She must be really lonely.
She always wondered what it would be like to be with a guy who didn't care about his car, maybe even be proud that he drove a beater. He would name it and show empathy when it broke down rather than anger.
Her ex always said that it was silly that she anthropomorphized objects like cars. Then he even started to do it a little himself.
She suddenly found herself imagining that guy in the car did it all by himself. The car was a "she" and he gave her some old timey name like "Bessie" and when asked would say something like "She just felt like a Bessie."
He was the type of guy who would find a nickname for you that you sort of hated to start, but after awhile hearing your real name on your lips felt strange. You would know if he ever used your real name it would mean he was serious about something.
He was the kind of guy who would laugh at your lame dad jokes, then look into your eyes and push your hair behind your ear before leaning in for a kiss.
She had just built up a Manic Pixie Dream Boy from a passing car. She must be really lonely.
Saturday, April 8, 2017
Third Dates...or are they?
Nameless had come out of the woodwork once more for...an outing. He had to reschedule twice due to his busy science schedule. She got a little irritated when it conflicted with other things she wanted to do, but they managed to work something out.
She named a bar close to her first plans that ended around 10PM. She ran through the rain into the louder-than-normal bar. There was some sort of awful jug band playing. Nameless shot her a look that clearly said "What the hell are we doing here?" She raised her eyebrow back and yelled "Let's just go to a different bar."
He had a tab open and another two drinks coming. He offered her one and she took it and downed it. He laughed, downed his, and they took her car to the next location. They remained there until 2AM talking and laughing and getting to know each other better.
He brought up the dog from before, chided her about it and she laughed and punched him lightly on the arm. They talked about their scars, and he took her fingers and placed them on his hand so she could feel the steel plate just below his knuckles.
They talked about social and romantic dynamics, and she brought up MG and Banana as an example of how different types interact. Banana just let the guys come to her, and they frequently did. MG took a harder approach, playing hardball flirting. After showing him their photos, Nameless declared that Banana got more dudes because she seemed more approachable, easier. MG looked "like a frigid bitch."
"And depending on the night, I might want to take home any of you." Nameless stated. "With guys it's all about what they happen to be in the mood for."
They talked about gender roles and how they have been so redefined that it's impossible to know when someone is actually interested. His view was that if someone was interested they would want to go out again, they would make a move, regardless of gender. She wondered if that was a way of telling her to make a move on him. But even after three dates, she was still so uncertain about him. He pushed her buttons in a fun-loving way, but she didn't feel a strong attraction to him yet.
Nor he her, because when she dropped him off at his car, he popped out of the car quicker than she could even attempt to go in for a hug. He then hovered by the outside door in the light rain and said they'd have to do it again sometime. "Text me." He said.
"You text me, you are the super busy one!" She said indignantly.
"You can still text me...about whatever you want."
She smirked and said "Fine. I'll text you."
She named a bar close to her first plans that ended around 10PM. She ran through the rain into the louder-than-normal bar. There was some sort of awful jug band playing. Nameless shot her a look that clearly said "What the hell are we doing here?" She raised her eyebrow back and yelled "Let's just go to a different bar."
He had a tab open and another two drinks coming. He offered her one and she took it and downed it. He laughed, downed his, and they took her car to the next location. They remained there until 2AM talking and laughing and getting to know each other better.
He brought up the dog from before, chided her about it and she laughed and punched him lightly on the arm. They talked about their scars, and he took her fingers and placed them on his hand so she could feel the steel plate just below his knuckles.
They talked about social and romantic dynamics, and she brought up MG and Banana as an example of how different types interact. Banana just let the guys come to her, and they frequently did. MG took a harder approach, playing hardball flirting. After showing him their photos, Nameless declared that Banana got more dudes because she seemed more approachable, easier. MG looked "like a frigid bitch."
"And depending on the night, I might want to take home any of you." Nameless stated. "With guys it's all about what they happen to be in the mood for."
They talked about gender roles and how they have been so redefined that it's impossible to know when someone is actually interested. His view was that if someone was interested they would want to go out again, they would make a move, regardless of gender. She wondered if that was a way of telling her to make a move on him. But even after three dates, she was still so uncertain about him. He pushed her buttons in a fun-loving way, but she didn't feel a strong attraction to him yet.
Nor he her, because when she dropped him off at his car, he popped out of the car quicker than she could even attempt to go in for a hug. He then hovered by the outside door in the light rain and said they'd have to do it again sometime. "Text me." He said.
"You text me, you are the super busy one!" She said indignantly.
"You can still text me...about whatever you want."
She smirked and said "Fine. I'll text you."
Friday, April 7, 2017
Butt Hurt
"You were not being a cunt at all. Stop listen to MG, she's still a shit show." KSL said. They had just come from listening to a local musician she had a crush on and had conceded when he seemed to be more interested in Banana.
He had come to return the CDs he'd borrowed and they ended up staying longer than anticipated when MG showed up after she had texted MG that she was leaving.
"Is something wrong? Are we okay?" MG had asked.
She wanted to answer no, she didn't want to spend every waking minute with her when she was quitting smoking and being angry and mean.
They made an excuse for him to come up, and he had a vodka coke because he was on a diet.
"You know your diet is doing nothing until you get your thyroid checked and get on medication right? You have health insurance, you are the 1%, go to the doctor."
He sighed and said "I don't know how to do all that adulting stuff. I don't even have a doctor. How do you get one?"
She looked him dead in the eye and said "What is the name of your insurance?"
He sensed that she would go all the way with this and look it up if he answered her, so he said "Okay, okay, I'm sure there is a list at work or something. I'll do it."
He changed the subject to the night of her birthday and how out of hand the drinking had gotten. "I bruised myself trying to boop your nose!" She exclaimed.
"Hey, you bruised me trying to boop my nose!"
"You should just let Drunk Penny do what she wants, she's stubborn."
"That's the sort of thing rapists say."
"Please, booping a nose is not rape. Besides I'm not having sex with you again."
His face fell slightly, but he recovered quickly to say "Okay, that's fair. I understand that. You are trying to keep the friendship we have right now going on it's trajectory, which is healthy. Besides we agreed on New Years to not do it again."
"No, you agreed. And although all those things are true, that's not why I'm not having sex with you again."
"Oh. Then why? You don't find me attractive anymore? Since I shaved my head?"
She rolled her eyes at him and said "No, because you are the type of person who avoids doctors and STD tests, and you had sex with your ex unprotected. And even though I'd never have unprotected sex with anyone including you, I don't trust her. You could be running around with god knows what--"
He interrupted her, "Okay okay I'll go to a doctor. Shit."
He was quiet, and she looked over at him. He was staring out the window at the city, pensive.
"What are you thinking?" She asked him when he didn't turn to meet her gaze into his eyes. He snapped back into focus and said "sorry, just got lost thinking about...everything that needs to be done for the wake and stuff."
He told her where he was planning on spreading his friends ashes at their old community college. He talked for awhile and she let him. She was pensive herself, thinking about how she gave 110% to people and didn't get anything back. "You need to stop giving so much of yourself" he had told her earlier. She didn't know how to do that. It was being disingenuous to herself. She could either keep being herself or retreat and not be friends with anyone anymore.
"For as bitter and cynical as you pretend to be, you still want to see the best in people, still want to see their potential." He said to her. A friend had said something similar to her years ago.
"I keep going back to that convo that PJ and I had about seeing potential in people that others don't see."
"I'm curious then, what potential do you now see in me, a year later?" KSL knew he was playing with fire, but asked her anyway.
She took a deep breath, and decided to answer honestly. Give him the closure that he hadn't given her.
"You still have that potential I saw a year ago. You have changed, and for the better. I've asked things of you, deal-breaking things for me. As far as I know, you've continued to be honest with me when I asked you not to lie again. You really have improved. You just need to be able to accept love and see your own potential."
She cleared her throat as it was starting to hurt again, and he noticed and said "So, the tonsillectomy. When is that again?"
"May 8th....I'll just have my mom pick me up though, it's okay. I'll deal with her."
"Hey, I made a promise, I said I was going to help you and I am."
"It just seems too intimate of a thing to ask you. I don't feel right about it." She felt her face getting hot.
"Penny, you've had my dick in your mouth. We've been intimate." She blushed, then winced at his statement, but also nodded.
"It just seems like a relationship thing to do, like picking someone up from the airport--"
Again he interrupted "I pick up lots of people from the airport."
She sighed, then looked at him. He starred back at her, and she was reminded of this time last year when they were getting "lost in each other's eyes" and being intense. Only this time instead of going in for a kiss, her eyes narrowed.
"Are you sure this won't be too big of an imposition? You can say yes, it's okay."
He still wanted to do it.
While talking he took off his newsboy cap and put it on her head. "For your 'hat stealing photo' collection." She smiled at him, snapped a photo, and gave it back. Later she posted it on social media and he was one of the first to like it. He really seemed to be making strides in being okay with people knowing they are friends.
Between taking care of her and finally going for an STD/HIV test, she wasn't sure what level of "friendship" they'd reached. For a fleeting moment she thought he had taken the romantic comedy pact to heart. She guessed only time would tell his true intentions.
He had come to return the CDs he'd borrowed and they ended up staying longer than anticipated when MG showed up after she had texted MG that she was leaving.
"Is something wrong? Are we okay?" MG had asked.
She wanted to answer no, she didn't want to spend every waking minute with her when she was quitting smoking and being angry and mean.
They made an excuse for him to come up, and he had a vodka coke because he was on a diet.
"You know your diet is doing nothing until you get your thyroid checked and get on medication right? You have health insurance, you are the 1%, go to the doctor."
He sighed and said "I don't know how to do all that adulting stuff. I don't even have a doctor. How do you get one?"
She looked him dead in the eye and said "What is the name of your insurance?"
He sensed that she would go all the way with this and look it up if he answered her, so he said "Okay, okay, I'm sure there is a list at work or something. I'll do it."
He changed the subject to the night of her birthday and how out of hand the drinking had gotten. "I bruised myself trying to boop your nose!" She exclaimed.
"Hey, you bruised me trying to boop my nose!"
"You should just let Drunk Penny do what she wants, she's stubborn."
"That's the sort of thing rapists say."
"Please, booping a nose is not rape. Besides I'm not having sex with you again."
His face fell slightly, but he recovered quickly to say "Okay, that's fair. I understand that. You are trying to keep the friendship we have right now going on it's trajectory, which is healthy. Besides we agreed on New Years to not do it again."
"No, you agreed. And although all those things are true, that's not why I'm not having sex with you again."
"Oh. Then why? You don't find me attractive anymore? Since I shaved my head?"
She rolled her eyes at him and said "No, because you are the type of person who avoids doctors and STD tests, and you had sex with your ex unprotected. And even though I'd never have unprotected sex with anyone including you, I don't trust her. You could be running around with god knows what--"
He interrupted her, "Okay okay I'll go to a doctor. Shit."
He was quiet, and she looked over at him. He was staring out the window at the city, pensive.
"What are you thinking?" She asked him when he didn't turn to meet her gaze into his eyes. He snapped back into focus and said "sorry, just got lost thinking about...everything that needs to be done for the wake and stuff."
He told her where he was planning on spreading his friends ashes at their old community college. He talked for awhile and she let him. She was pensive herself, thinking about how she gave 110% to people and didn't get anything back. "You need to stop giving so much of yourself" he had told her earlier. She didn't know how to do that. It was being disingenuous to herself. She could either keep being herself or retreat and not be friends with anyone anymore.
"For as bitter and cynical as you pretend to be, you still want to see the best in people, still want to see their potential." He said to her. A friend had said something similar to her years ago.
"I keep going back to that convo that PJ and I had about seeing potential in people that others don't see."
"I'm curious then, what potential do you now see in me, a year later?" KSL knew he was playing with fire, but asked her anyway.
She took a deep breath, and decided to answer honestly. Give him the closure that he hadn't given her.
"You still have that potential I saw a year ago. You have changed, and for the better. I've asked things of you, deal-breaking things for me. As far as I know, you've continued to be honest with me when I asked you not to lie again. You really have improved. You just need to be able to accept love and see your own potential."
She cleared her throat as it was starting to hurt again, and he noticed and said "So, the tonsillectomy. When is that again?"
"May 8th....I'll just have my mom pick me up though, it's okay. I'll deal with her."
"Hey, I made a promise, I said I was going to help you and I am."
"It just seems too intimate of a thing to ask you. I don't feel right about it." She felt her face getting hot.
"Penny, you've had my dick in your mouth. We've been intimate." She blushed, then winced at his statement, but also nodded.
"It just seems like a relationship thing to do, like picking someone up from the airport--"
Again he interrupted "I pick up lots of people from the airport."
She sighed, then looked at him. He starred back at her, and she was reminded of this time last year when they were getting "lost in each other's eyes" and being intense. Only this time instead of going in for a kiss, her eyes narrowed.
"Are you sure this won't be too big of an imposition? You can say yes, it's okay."
He still wanted to do it.
While talking he took off his newsboy cap and put it on her head. "For your 'hat stealing photo' collection." She smiled at him, snapped a photo, and gave it back. Later she posted it on social media and he was one of the first to like it. He really seemed to be making strides in being okay with people knowing they are friends.
Between taking care of her and finally going for an STD/HIV test, she wasn't sure what level of "friendship" they'd reached. For a fleeting moment she thought he had taken the romantic comedy pact to heart. She guessed only time would tell his true intentions.
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
Woke
"I want to. I'm just unsure of my abilities." KSL had been deemed the one to be the host of his friend's wake.
"Yeah. Alcohol will help."
"Yeah"
She asked when it would be, and he didn't answer her until the next day. She had work that Sunday, but said she would ask if she could be late.
She went to work and asked, and they were very nice about telling her that she could be late.
"Uhm, I don't even know if you would be on the guest list. You didn't know him."
Her face went red with embarrassment. She didn't know how a wake worked, she assumed it was whomever wanted to show up. If it was invite only, of course she didn't expect to be on the guest list. Why did he let it go on this long without telling her that?
"Well I don't really know what it is. I'm not the organizer. But I've been told to limit the invitees to those that knew or worked with him in some capacity. I wasn't trying to be rude. Just giving you a head's up."
"I'm sorry, I feel like a dick or something. Your support is super appreciated."
"You didn't overstep. I appreciate your concern and support. Please don't be mad."
"You can do it. And you can do it well. It's a wake not a funeral."
"Yeah. Alcohol will help."
"However it shakes out, he would've loved it. And in the end that's what matters. And if you want to get totally trashed I'll be your DD."
"Yeah"
She asked when it would be, and he didn't answer her until the next day. She had work that Sunday, but said she would ask if she could be late.
She went to work and asked, and they were very nice about telling her that she could be late.
"They said I could show up at 5 so I'm good."
"Uhm, I don't even know if you would be on the guest list. You didn't know him."
Her face went red with embarrassment. She didn't know how a wake worked, she assumed it was whomever wanted to show up. If it was invite only, of course she didn't expect to be on the guest list. Why did he let it go on this long without telling her that?
"I thought it was an open thing and I was coming to support you and drive you home. If I'm not invited then I guess never mind."
"Well I don't really know what it is. I'm not the organizer. But I've been told to limit the invitees to those that knew or worked with him in some capacity. I wasn't trying to be rude. Just giving you a head's up."
"I know, my mistake. I'll tell work never mind."
"I'm sorry, I feel like a dick or something. Your support is super appreciated."
"Don't feel like a dick, I misunderstood. You're not wrong, I didn't know him and if it's an invite only thing I don't expect to be invited. I was just trying to be there for you and clearly overstepped."
"You didn't overstep. I appreciate your concern and support. Please don't be mad."
"I'm not mad dude. A little embarrassed but not mad."
The truth was she was beyond embarrassed. She was mortified she had made that mistake. After this and the Pilot standing her up, she was beginning to feel like she just left her heart out to be stepped on every time she put herself out there.
And she wasn't sure how to fix it.
When she told MG about it, she wasn't nice. "You were a pretty big cunt about it. You and KSL are basically just in a toxic relationship. You are a shit show, you are what I was a couple of years ago. You need to just not speak to him for 3 months to get him out of your system."
MG was quitting smoking so she tried to take it with a grain of salt, but it was really difficult. She felt even more stepped on and exposed than before.
When she told MG about it, she wasn't nice. "You were a pretty big cunt about it. You and KSL are basically just in a toxic relationship. You are a shit show, you are what I was a couple of years ago. You need to just not speak to him for 3 months to get him out of your system."
MG was quitting smoking so she tried to take it with a grain of salt, but it was really difficult. She felt even more stepped on and exposed than before.
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
Birthday Eve Disasters
She had to work the night before her birthday, but would get out around 8:00 PM. She had plans to meet up with KSL for their signature portable beverage...just like last year.
But this year, she didn't want a kiss. She wanted answers. She wanted a why. It had all happened and she had accepted it...but she still didn't know why he really kissed her that night. No one just kisses someone because it seemed like they needed it.
Did they?
Work was the most difficult that it had been. Her new job was normally a dream, but the company they were working for was doing things the wrong way and causing a ruckus. She had been left alone and tried to do her best. She knew that she'd be forgiven, but it was still a new job and she wanted to be able to show them she could handle anything that came her way.
She left work agitated, but trying to calm down. Her phone rang, it was KSL. He immediately sensed how upset she was and attempted to calm her down.
"Hey, you're out now, you are okay. I'm on my way, give me 10 minutes. We'll get a drink, it'll be fine."
She told him about the night as they walked over to grab their drinks. She raged through the first half of her drink, and then he spilled about his trip to see his dying friend, who sadly passed before he could get there. On the way he had an awkward road trip with people he didn't really care for anymore. They played a road game where they added up all their sexual partners. He said that he was embarrassed to say that he had 56.
"You were the last one though." He said to her.
"No I wasn't."
He looked at her, puzzled.
"There was that one girl that I don't like to talk about because it was basically the end of our friendship, and then there was Banana. So, you are at 58 pal."
"Shit!" He was clearly a little distraught over his number. She wondered how many others he had "forgotten" in-between.
She didn't have time to wallow in this news, because he grabbed for her drink. "Looks like you had a friend hiding in your ice"
There was a fly floating in her drink. Her already bad night took a turn for the worst.
"You should go back up to the bar and show them. They owe you a new drink." KSL said sensibly.
Her face crumbled and her heart sank. "I don't want to" she pouted.
"You want me to do it?" He said gently. She nodded, and he stood up and took her drink. It took him a few minutes, and as soon as he got back she was ready to break the drunk seal.
She headed up to the seedy bathroom of the bar, which was normally pretty messy but passable. Tonight, of all nights however, it was in the worst condition she'd ever seen any other bathroom in her life. Shit was all but painted on the walls. The hooker hanging out by the sinks noted her reaction and countered "Girl, I know...it's the worse I've seen it too."
She shot out the door and down the stairs to their table and picked up her fresh drink and rounded the other side, near shouting "We're leaving!"
KSL was shocked. She again stated that they were leaving, they were going back to her place where she could pee in a place that wasn't already covered in fecal matter.
"You are walking awful fast..." KSL said to her as she motored out of the bar, nearly knocking over a homeless man on the other side of the door to the back alley. She didn't answer, instead just muttering "Cm'on" as she continued to walk. His long legs caught up with her easily, and he got her to slow down by grabbing her elbow and whispering "hey" into her ear. She slowed and calmed down.
Slightly embarrassed she said "That bathroom was really gross. I'm just done."
"Hey, we are on our way. You're okay."
"This is shaping up to be a worse day then that whole throwndown with BFF." It really wasn't, but she was upset and the booze was causing her dramatics to heighten.
"Yeah, what really happened that day?" He asked with concern.
She spilled most of it to him, and when she was done he had his arm around her as they snuggled on her couch, looking out over the city. She wiped the tears from her eyes, but more came when he played a message he had recorded for his dying friend. She talked about messaging Piz after Valentine's day and how stupid she felt....how her ex was still living with her mother.
She screwed up her courage and asked him why he kissed her last year, on her birthday. She was quiet and waited for an answer. He was quiet for what felt like another year. She picked her head up off his shoulder and gazed at him. She wasn't going to be the first to speak, to give him an out. She would wait for his answer. She deserved something besides the excuses he made before.
When he finally spoke, he changed topics. She steered him back, and he said "Oh...I thought the question was rhetorical."
He might never have an answer for her.
But this year, she didn't want a kiss. She wanted answers. She wanted a why. It had all happened and she had accepted it...but she still didn't know why he really kissed her that night. No one just kisses someone because it seemed like they needed it.
Did they?
Work was the most difficult that it had been. Her new job was normally a dream, but the company they were working for was doing things the wrong way and causing a ruckus. She had been left alone and tried to do her best. She knew that she'd be forgiven, but it was still a new job and she wanted to be able to show them she could handle anything that came her way.
She left work agitated, but trying to calm down. Her phone rang, it was KSL. He immediately sensed how upset she was and attempted to calm her down.
"Hey, you're out now, you are okay. I'm on my way, give me 10 minutes. We'll get a drink, it'll be fine."
She told him about the night as they walked over to grab their drinks. She raged through the first half of her drink, and then he spilled about his trip to see his dying friend, who sadly passed before he could get there. On the way he had an awkward road trip with people he didn't really care for anymore. They played a road game where they added up all their sexual partners. He said that he was embarrassed to say that he had 56.
"You were the last one though." He said to her.
"No I wasn't."
He looked at her, puzzled.
"There was that one girl that I don't like to talk about because it was basically the end of our friendship, and then there was Banana. So, you are at 58 pal."
"Shit!" He was clearly a little distraught over his number. She wondered how many others he had "forgotten" in-between.
She didn't have time to wallow in this news, because he grabbed for her drink. "Looks like you had a friend hiding in your ice"
There was a fly floating in her drink. Her already bad night took a turn for the worst.
"You should go back up to the bar and show them. They owe you a new drink." KSL said sensibly.
Her face crumbled and her heart sank. "I don't want to" she pouted.
"You want me to do it?" He said gently. She nodded, and he stood up and took her drink. It took him a few minutes, and as soon as he got back she was ready to break the drunk seal.
She headed up to the seedy bathroom of the bar, which was normally pretty messy but passable. Tonight, of all nights however, it was in the worst condition she'd ever seen any other bathroom in her life. Shit was all but painted on the walls. The hooker hanging out by the sinks noted her reaction and countered "Girl, I know...it's the worse I've seen it too."
She shot out the door and down the stairs to their table and picked up her fresh drink and rounded the other side, near shouting "We're leaving!"
KSL was shocked. She again stated that they were leaving, they were going back to her place where she could pee in a place that wasn't already covered in fecal matter.
"You are walking awful fast..." KSL said to her as she motored out of the bar, nearly knocking over a homeless man on the other side of the door to the back alley. She didn't answer, instead just muttering "Cm'on" as she continued to walk. His long legs caught up with her easily, and he got her to slow down by grabbing her elbow and whispering "hey" into her ear. She slowed and calmed down.
Slightly embarrassed she said "That bathroom was really gross. I'm just done."
"Hey, we are on our way. You're okay."
"This is shaping up to be a worse day then that whole throwndown with BFF." It really wasn't, but she was upset and the booze was causing her dramatics to heighten.
"Yeah, what really happened that day?" He asked with concern.
She spilled most of it to him, and when she was done he had his arm around her as they snuggled on her couch, looking out over the city. She wiped the tears from her eyes, but more came when he played a message he had recorded for his dying friend. She talked about messaging Piz after Valentine's day and how stupid she felt....how her ex was still living with her mother.
She screwed up her courage and asked him why he kissed her last year, on her birthday. She was quiet and waited for an answer. He was quiet for what felt like another year. She picked her head up off his shoulder and gazed at him. She wasn't going to be the first to speak, to give him an out. She would wait for his answer. She deserved something besides the excuses he made before.
When he finally spoke, he changed topics. She steered him back, and he said "Oh...I thought the question was rhetorical."
He might never have an answer for her.
Sunday, April 2, 2017
Crash Landing
"I'm at home. My friend who's here just told me some fucked up shit and laughed at my fears." Pilot had been texting her upset. His friend was dying of cancer, but he was just offered a job at NASA. His world was a little shaken.
"You don't need that shit." She replied.
"I want out. I just want to talk."
"You want to meet up somewhere for a couple of hours?" She immediately regretted it as soon as she sent it. It was already 10:30 at night, and she had work the next morning.
"Please," came the response "I'm a mess."
She arrived at the bar they decided on at 10:47. She texted him that she was there, and he said he was on his way. At 11:13 she texted "How much longer are you gonna be? I'm officially that creepy girl at a bar by herself."
In reality she was sure no one noticed her, but she was feeling self-conscious by the minute.
"Almost there," He answered 15 minutes later. "On 1st Street."
At 11:30 she sent "They are doing last call so we don't have that long."
"I'm sorry, I'm a mess. I'll just go home."
She was furious. She had waited almost an hour for him, and now he was just going home? How drunk was he already? She was concerned about him going home on his own.
"Dude, I'll at least drive you home, just make it here."
No answer. She got in her car and drove down 1st street for several blocks. She didn't see anyone walking along the street.
Was he lying to her the whole time?
"Well I just drove down 1st and didn't see you so I guess I'm going home."
When she parked her car she looked at the several text messages that continued to stream in from him.
"Oh. Ok"
"Uh. I'll just go home. Sorry"
"I'm a terrible person"
"I shouldn't even try to like people because I hurt them"
"Honestly. You should block me because I'm a horrible mess of emotions that no one wants shit to do with"
She finally answered "Hey, I shouldn't go the extra mile for near strangers either. Guess that just makes us even." It was the meanest thing she had ever said to him. Would ever say to him.
"Works for me." He replied. She got ready for bed. Two rapid-fire texts came through as she turned out the light.
"Sorry. I can't cope with shit"
"I'll just leave. I was a block from the bar. I'm sorry. This is why I don't put myself out there"
This is why SHE didn't put herself out there. She felt hurt that she had been long hauled by Pilot, by almost a whole year.
"You don't need that shit." She replied.
"I want out. I just want to talk."
"You want to meet up somewhere for a couple of hours?" She immediately regretted it as soon as she sent it. It was already 10:30 at night, and she had work the next morning.
"Please," came the response "I'm a mess."
She arrived at the bar they decided on at 10:47. She texted him that she was there, and he said he was on his way. At 11:13 she texted "How much longer are you gonna be? I'm officially that creepy girl at a bar by herself."
In reality she was sure no one noticed her, but she was feeling self-conscious by the minute.
"Almost there," He answered 15 minutes later. "On 1st Street."
At 11:30 she sent "They are doing last call so we don't have that long."
"I'm sorry, I'm a mess. I'll just go home."
She was furious. She had waited almost an hour for him, and now he was just going home? How drunk was he already? She was concerned about him going home on his own.
"Dude, I'll at least drive you home, just make it here."
No answer. She got in her car and drove down 1st street for several blocks. She didn't see anyone walking along the street.
Was he lying to her the whole time?
"Well I just drove down 1st and didn't see you so I guess I'm going home."
When she parked her car she looked at the several text messages that continued to stream in from him.
"Oh. Ok"
"Uh. I'll just go home. Sorry"
"I'm a terrible person"
"I shouldn't even try to like people because I hurt them"
"Honestly. You should block me because I'm a horrible mess of emotions that no one wants shit to do with"
She finally answered "Hey, I shouldn't go the extra mile for near strangers either. Guess that just makes us even." It was the meanest thing she had ever said to him. Would ever say to him.
"Works for me." He replied. She got ready for bed. Two rapid-fire texts came through as she turned out the light.
"Sorry. I can't cope with shit"
"I'll just leave. I was a block from the bar. I'm sorry. This is why I don't put myself out there"
This is why SHE didn't put herself out there. She felt hurt that she had been long hauled by Pilot, by almost a whole year.
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