"Don't panic, don't do anything stupid" She said to herself, obviously already panicking.
She had just been spending time by herself in the lobby, saying goodbye to the ushers who were walking out from downstairs at their Christmas Party. She had promised the House Manager that she would attend but it was too many people in one space and she had to retreat upstairs.
An usher, an older lady who lived in her old building and she playfully called "Chanel Lady" because she was always wearing Chanel earrings and a purse, had come upstairs with her date and was clearly drunk. CL walked right up to her and said "What are you going through? I can tell these things, what is making you sad?"
She was taken aback by the question, as she was pretty content. "I'm fine, thank you. I'm really okay."
"You need a hug" CL decided, and before she knew what was happening, her entire face was now covered by the fur coat CL was wearing. She was hugging her tightly and she was having trouble breathing.
Don't panic.
She kept her grip and told her that she knew something was wrong, so she was going to "pray with her" and started babbling vaguely Christian things about how Jesus sees her and wants what was best for her. It felt like CL was raping her with her religion.
Finally after what seemed like forever, she let go. She just said "Thank you, I just felt like hugging someone." and finally left.
She felt incredibly violated in her own workspace, and left shortly after. There was a two week break just after this that made it easier to forget and be able to get back to work without it feeling like a place where she didn't want to be any longer. She reported the incident to the big boss and to HR who found it to be harmless, which only made her feel worse.
Thursday, December 19, 2019
Monday, December 9, 2019
Looking For Forever
She decided that she would let her Facebook Dating page stay up until she made three connections, then she would shut it down again and only talk to those three guys and see where it went.
She ended up talking to one for a bit, and he asked her out on a date. She said yes, but also stated that she wasn't quite in the state of mind to be seriously looking for a relationship.
They met at her favorite bar, and she introduced him to her bartender. They talked about if they were originally from the city, and what their interests were. He didn't seem to have many beyond his "Geek Chic" age group. It also didn't help that he had a 9 year old daughter that he didn't talk about, or the fact that he lived with his mom so that she could help him take care of the kid.
"So what are you looking for?" He asked her.
She took a deep breath before diving into her diatribe.
"It's such a loaded question, when in reality no one can know what they are looking for. Every person I meet is going to be a different story. I can say I want to meet someone I'd love to spend the rest of my life with, but what if the next person I meet is someone I think is really fun and different, but I don't see a long term future with? Does that mean because I'm looking for someone forever that I can't spend time with that person any longer? It could've been a great time but I'm going to throw it away because I'm 'looking for something different'? That doesn't make sense to me. Much in the same way that I might spend my life with someone but never want to have kids, or have tons of kids. Everything really depends on the other person and the type of chemistry I have with them."
"Wow, I never really thought about it like that." was his only response.
"What are you looking for?" She asked.
"I'm Looking For My Forever."
She hoped that she kept her internal eye rolling to herself. The next day he messaged her asking for a second date. She thanked him, said he was a very nice guy, which was true. But she didn't want to get in the way of his search for someone that would be forever for him.
She ended up talking to one for a bit, and he asked her out on a date. She said yes, but also stated that she wasn't quite in the state of mind to be seriously looking for a relationship.
They met at her favorite bar, and she introduced him to her bartender. They talked about if they were originally from the city, and what their interests were. He didn't seem to have many beyond his "Geek Chic" age group. It also didn't help that he had a 9 year old daughter that he didn't talk about, or the fact that he lived with his mom so that she could help him take care of the kid.
"So what are you looking for?" He asked her.
She took a deep breath before diving into her diatribe.
"It's such a loaded question, when in reality no one can know what they are looking for. Every person I meet is going to be a different story. I can say I want to meet someone I'd love to spend the rest of my life with, but what if the next person I meet is someone I think is really fun and different, but I don't see a long term future with? Does that mean because I'm looking for someone forever that I can't spend time with that person any longer? It could've been a great time but I'm going to throw it away because I'm 'looking for something different'? That doesn't make sense to me. Much in the same way that I might spend my life with someone but never want to have kids, or have tons of kids. Everything really depends on the other person and the type of chemistry I have with them."
"Wow, I never really thought about it like that." was his only response.
"What are you looking for?" She asked.
"I'm Looking For My Forever."
She hoped that she kept her internal eye rolling to herself. The next day he messaged her asking for a second date. She thanked him, said he was a very nice guy, which was true. But she didn't want to get in the way of his search for someone that would be forever for him.
Thursday, November 21, 2019
The More Things Change...
Times just kept on going like they had been, without much to talk about. She went to visit a friend in the hospital a few times as she had surgery, then complications to the surgery. Once that was past she was out and about and up to going out to lunch and she didn't feel the need to worry about her any longer.
She almost jumped back into directing with a festival her friend was writing for, but in the end she didn't respect what the other director was doing and bowed out. She did recommend Red to act in the production, and she ended up getting in and doing an amazing job.
She and BB were getting into a strange non-dating schedule. They would usually interact once or twice a week, and see each other about once or twice a month. She was still enjoying his company, but didn't really see him as a potential love interest any longer. He had become a great friend and she no longer wanted to change that in order to love and to eventually leave.
She did still have those thoughts whenever BB would say something like she always flirts with him, but then remembered that they always hung out by themselves and he hadn't seen her interact with other people to understand that's just want she was like.
It was getting a bit lonely living the single life, but she was settling into it. She told everyone over and over again that if there was a potential for a relationship that was nice, but it had to be better than she was being by herself. In the end, there weren't any worth the trouble.
She almost jumped back into directing with a festival her friend was writing for, but in the end she didn't respect what the other director was doing and bowed out. She did recommend Red to act in the production, and she ended up getting in and doing an amazing job.
She and BB were getting into a strange non-dating schedule. They would usually interact once or twice a week, and see each other about once or twice a month. She was still enjoying his company, but didn't really see him as a potential love interest any longer. He had become a great friend and she no longer wanted to change that in order to love and to eventually leave.
She did still have those thoughts whenever BB would say something like she always flirts with him, but then remembered that they always hung out by themselves and he hadn't seen her interact with other people to understand that's just want she was like.
It was getting a bit lonely living the single life, but she was settling into it. She told everyone over and over again that if there was a potential for a relationship that was nice, but it had to be better than she was being by herself. In the end, there weren't any worth the trouble.
Wednesday, October 30, 2019
Ghost Walk
She'd always wanted to do this, and it was finally the right time and place. Red, with her newfound freedom euphoria, had decided to volunteer and be a host of one of the ghost walks at the capital.
She packed into the car with another friend and drove the 20 minutes into the capitol, catching up along the way.
It was one of those days that would get cold and windy, then minutes later be slightly too warm and sunny. They walked along beside the rest of the group, taking their jackets on and off with the weather.
Red seemed nervous but confident. They got lost a couple of times between houses, but you wouldn't have known it from her demeanor. Another friend happened to be on the tour, and it was nice to catch up and drift away and back to each other within the crowd.
She didn't expect anything but an outdoor tour, but they weaved in and out of bars, theatre spaces, and homes. It was more like the Historic Homes tour she took with her work in the fall. Other friends "acted" as the home owners and told spooky stories about the houses they were in. It was far longer and more entertaining than she expected it to be.
The big stop at the governor's mansion was her favorite. Out of all the childhood field trips she'd taken, she'd never actually made it there. It was very Twelve Oaks, though obviously not as old. There was a haunted clock and a lady in white that was often seen walking the halls. They then had an actor walk by upstairs in white, by a mirror so the group would be able to see them.
In the end she got a blister from wearing her new boots, but had an amazing time. The parts that stuck with her the most were walking away from the group, and letting her mind wander.
She packed into the car with another friend and drove the 20 minutes into the capitol, catching up along the way.
It was one of those days that would get cold and windy, then minutes later be slightly too warm and sunny. They walked along beside the rest of the group, taking their jackets on and off with the weather.
Red seemed nervous but confident. They got lost a couple of times between houses, but you wouldn't have known it from her demeanor. Another friend happened to be on the tour, and it was nice to catch up and drift away and back to each other within the crowd.
She didn't expect anything but an outdoor tour, but they weaved in and out of bars, theatre spaces, and homes. It was more like the Historic Homes tour she took with her work in the fall. Other friends "acted" as the home owners and told spooky stories about the houses they were in. It was far longer and more entertaining than she expected it to be.
The big stop at the governor's mansion was her favorite. Out of all the childhood field trips she'd taken, she'd never actually made it there. It was very Twelve Oaks, though obviously not as old. There was a haunted clock and a lady in white that was often seen walking the halls. They then had an actor walk by upstairs in white, by a mirror so the group would be able to see them.
In the end she got a blister from wearing her new boots, but had an amazing time. The parts that stuck with her the most were walking away from the group, and letting her mind wander.
Sunday, October 27, 2019
The Work is to be Grateful
"Dude, I am the absolute epitome of sexual frustration. Plus I really miss you." She text Nameless. She knew it was a little risky to expose that she felt literally anything for him.
"Hahahaha...I mean I am sorry." Was his reply. He said he was sure she was still playing the field She countered with her tale about The Final Straw and how she deleted the dating apps. He said it was few and far between on his dating scene as well, but it was a strange conversation. Because they took so much time in-between talking she didn't think anything of it and moved along with her life.
A month or so later he was coming into town, but said he'd be available later in the evening. She said that she would make dinner plans and just wait for his text. He texted that he'd have to cancel and would explain later. He drunk texted "I was not expecting this" and then didn't text her back for 14 days.
"The main reason I bailed was because I had had a date. I thought it the best thing since I didn't trust myself to just 'hang out' with you (I am a guy and all). I was out late with a handful of professors and got drunk...I even drunk texted you, sorry."
"So then why did you even tell me you were coming into town? Just wondering." She replied. She was almost happy she was out with her ex and his best friend and highly distracted from the conversation where she was losing her beneficial situationship.
"I made plans with you before I even met her. It was only the day before I left that we confirmed a second date. It all happened kinda qick. Next I was up there and realized I needed to cancel...like I said said, sorry."
"Dude, we aren't exclusive. You don't have to be sorry, just be a bit more open and honest would be nice. So did you end up seeing her?"
He fumbled through multiple messages: "Not sorry for that..fuck I know that...sorry for last minute canceling. And yeah I've seen her a few times now. I actually meant to talk to you later that week about it. Didn't want to jinx it...you know. But I've been busy with work, this new experiment is a shit show. I have to play captain save a hoe and fix it. And I kinda have...a little."
She stopped responding for the night, she was distracted by the conversation she was having in front of her. It was still emotionally difficult to be with her ex.
When she got home she re-read the messages and started to cry. It was the dishonesty and leaving her on read that really upset her. KSL listened to her bitch and get upset while he busied himself in the kitchen.
The next morning she sent the text "Sorry I was out with friends last night so I didn't give this my full attention. It's been fun, and I hope it works out with your experiment and this girl."
He never texted back.
She started on a bit of a man-hating spiral. The only male influence she got on a regular basis was her ex, who gave her puppy dog eyes of hurt every time they spent time together, and KSL was so down on himself about never being in a relationship again that she was starting to think every man was like this.
Think, no, believe every man was like this. All those romance novels, the movies, the real life relationships she saw...it was all bullshit. KSL was right. It was never going to happen because it didn't actually exist. It was a lie she thought was going to happen.
She was getting into some serious man hating when she stumbled upon a New York Times Modern Love article. "I'm not sure if we fall in love with people, or if we fall in love with the way they make us feel."
This gave her pause. This wasn't really about Nameless at all. In fact, the reality was as a demisexual and an empath she was indeed just addicted to the way people made her feel.
The article continued:
"It's about honoring what happened. You met a person who awoke something in you. A fire ignited. The work is to be grateful. Grateful every day that someone crossed your path and left a mark on you."
She decided to do the work.
She remembered how funny it was that he had come back around in a way that she managed to go out on a date with him without knowing his name. She remembered how great their conversations were. He would take her out to nice dinner and let her rage about how the local theatre system was broken, and the steps that needed to be taken to fix it. He would listen, really listen. He knew when she was being serious and when she was being funny, and walked alongside it effortlessly. He didn't pull away from her whenever she got closer to him. He read her in a way that no one else had for a long time, while still being himself. Their balance had been perfect. Why let the end sour all that?
She thought back, not to their sex or intimacies, but to a small moment when they had exited a bar to move on to a more quiet run, and just walked along in a comfortable silence in the rain, hand in hand.
"Hahahaha...I mean I am sorry." Was his reply. He said he was sure she was still playing the field She countered with her tale about The Final Straw and how she deleted the dating apps. He said it was few and far between on his dating scene as well, but it was a strange conversation. Because they took so much time in-between talking she didn't think anything of it and moved along with her life.
A month or so later he was coming into town, but said he'd be available later in the evening. She said that she would make dinner plans and just wait for his text. He texted that he'd have to cancel and would explain later. He drunk texted "I was not expecting this" and then didn't text her back for 14 days.
"The main reason I bailed was because I had had a date. I thought it the best thing since I didn't trust myself to just 'hang out' with you (I am a guy and all). I was out late with a handful of professors and got drunk...I even drunk texted you, sorry."
"So then why did you even tell me you were coming into town? Just wondering." She replied. She was almost happy she was out with her ex and his best friend and highly distracted from the conversation where she was losing her beneficial situationship.
"I made plans with you before I even met her. It was only the day before I left that we confirmed a second date. It all happened kinda qick. Next I was up there and realized I needed to cancel...like I said said, sorry."
"Dude, we aren't exclusive. You don't have to be sorry, just be a bit more open and honest would be nice. So did you end up seeing her?"
He fumbled through multiple messages: "Not sorry for that..fuck I know that...sorry for last minute canceling. And yeah I've seen her a few times now. I actually meant to talk to you later that week about it. Didn't want to jinx it...you know. But I've been busy with work, this new experiment is a shit show. I have to play captain save a hoe and fix it. And I kinda have...a little."
She stopped responding for the night, she was distracted by the conversation she was having in front of her. It was still emotionally difficult to be with her ex.
When she got home she re-read the messages and started to cry. It was the dishonesty and leaving her on read that really upset her. KSL listened to her bitch and get upset while he busied himself in the kitchen.
The next morning she sent the text "Sorry I was out with friends last night so I didn't give this my full attention. It's been fun, and I hope it works out with your experiment and this girl."
He never texted back.
She started on a bit of a man-hating spiral. The only male influence she got on a regular basis was her ex, who gave her puppy dog eyes of hurt every time they spent time together, and KSL was so down on himself about never being in a relationship again that she was starting to think every man was like this.
Think, no, believe every man was like this. All those romance novels, the movies, the real life relationships she saw...it was all bullshit. KSL was right. It was never going to happen because it didn't actually exist. It was a lie she thought was going to happen.
She was getting into some serious man hating when she stumbled upon a New York Times Modern Love article. "I'm not sure if we fall in love with people, or if we fall in love with the way they make us feel."
This gave her pause. This wasn't really about Nameless at all. In fact, the reality was as a demisexual and an empath she was indeed just addicted to the way people made her feel.
The article continued:
"It's about honoring what happened. You met a person who awoke something in you. A fire ignited. The work is to be grateful. Grateful every day that someone crossed your path and left a mark on you."
She decided to do the work.
She remembered how funny it was that he had come back around in a way that she managed to go out on a date with him without knowing his name. She remembered how great their conversations were. He would take her out to nice dinner and let her rage about how the local theatre system was broken, and the steps that needed to be taken to fix it. He would listen, really listen. He knew when she was being serious and when she was being funny, and walked alongside it effortlessly. He didn't pull away from her whenever she got closer to him. He read her in a way that no one else had for a long time, while still being himself. Their balance had been perfect. Why let the end sour all that?
She thought back, not to their sex or intimacies, but to a small moment when they had exited a bar to move on to a more quiet run, and just walked along in a comfortable silence in the rain, hand in hand.
Sunday, September 1, 2019
Non-Dating
Since she and BB had decided that they were going to be friends, they made a schedule of switching off making non-dates. They had talked on their first date about how both of them seem to attract narcissistic people, and so this was a nice fair and balanced way to spend time together. It seemed like the perfect plan.
Until it wasn't.
Other people in their lives were determined to ruin what had become the perfect friendship.
BB's father was in a band with one of her theatre acquaintances, and one night they decided to go out and see them perform.
Upon entering the bar, she saw a barrage of theatre friends who were already a few drinks in. They yelled at her, greeted her, and she introduced them to BB. They gave her the eyebrow wiggle, and she quickly shook her head no. They respected it, but she was already on the defensive.
She spent the rest of the evening making it perfectly clear that they were just friends. The last thing she wanted to do was make it awkward for him.
Of course later it came out that his friends gave him a very hard time about it, while hers had let that nod say everything. He seemed to be miserable, while she felt okay about it. She wondered how long until they had to stop being friends.
Until it wasn't.
Other people in their lives were determined to ruin what had become the perfect friendship.
BB's father was in a band with one of her theatre acquaintances, and one night they decided to go out and see them perform.
Upon entering the bar, she saw a barrage of theatre friends who were already a few drinks in. They yelled at her, greeted her, and she introduced them to BB. They gave her the eyebrow wiggle, and she quickly shook her head no. They respected it, but she was already on the defensive.
She spent the rest of the evening making it perfectly clear that they were just friends. The last thing she wanted to do was make it awkward for him.
Of course later it came out that his friends gave him a very hard time about it, while hers had let that nod say everything. He seemed to be miserable, while she felt okay about it. She wondered how long until they had to stop being friends.
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
The Last Straw
For the first time in a long time she'd actually gotten a sweet message on the dating app. Their conversation had been good, but scheduling conflicts prevented them from meeting for a couple of weeks.
They were too alike, and too nice, and kept coming up against dancing around the issue of dating.
Once they finally met up, they had a 3 hour long brunch. The conversation never stopped, neither of them wanting to actually leave or suggest moving onto a new location. Though she felt a strong connection with him, something was missing. The sexual attraction. She didn't feel anything coming from him in regards to her, though he did call her pretty.
A day after the date, he messaged her. Their date had been great, and wonderful, but he had realized that he was not in a place where he could be in a relationship. He hoped that they could be friends.
She hoped that they could be friends too. But she also went directly onto all the apps and deactivated all of her accounts. She was done being hurt again.
They were too alike, and too nice, and kept coming up against dancing around the issue of dating.
Once they finally met up, they had a 3 hour long brunch. The conversation never stopped, neither of them wanting to actually leave or suggest moving onto a new location. Though she felt a strong connection with him, something was missing. The sexual attraction. She didn't feel anything coming from him in regards to her, though he did call her pretty.
A day after the date, he messaged her. Their date had been great, and wonderful, but he had realized that he was not in a place where he could be in a relationship. He hoped that they could be friends.
She hoped that they could be friends too. But she also went directly onto all the apps and deactivated all of her accounts. She was done being hurt again.
Thursday, June 20, 2019
The Gala
She'd felt a bit isolated for a long time, so when the opportunity arose for her to not only cut out of work but to go to a theatre party, she jumped at the chance to do something different. She missed her friends and doing shows.
She talked with some of her board members, her boss won an award. She talked to people she hadn't been able to speak to in a long time. It was rejuvenating. It was a spa day for her soul.
She had been so lonely the last few months, being with everyone was better than being in a relationship. Maybe she should concentrate more on her friendships and stop caring so much about relationships.
She talked with some of her board members, her boss won an award. She talked to people she hadn't been able to speak to in a long time. It was rejuvenating. It was a spa day for her soul.
She had been so lonely the last few months, being with everyone was better than being in a relationship. Maybe she should concentrate more on her friendships and stop caring so much about relationships.
Friday, May 3, 2019
It's Terminal
"Anything else?" The doctor asked.
This was too easy. This new doctor wasn't even asking, was just doing everything she asked. And she sure wasn't caring about what medications she said she was previously on.
"Do you want to see a specialist?"
She did. Then she went to the Endocrinologist. The initial appointment was updating them on the last 10 years, the fatigue. They wanted to test her cortisol to see if maybe that was also a problem. She felt a little better after complaining for an hour, but she had a feeling this wasn't going to go anywhere.
First, she had to submit to more blood tests.
"I'm so sorry, I have tiny deep veins. I drank a lot of water to help, but I'm sorry."
The phlebotomist was an older southern lady, and reminded her of the Southern Grandma that she never got to know.
"Bless your heart child, you remind me of my daughter. She hated it when I practiced on her but your arm is exactly the same, don't you worry."
She did amazing, and she didn't even have a bruise. Not like the next time when she couldn't find her and ended up a bruise the size of a grapefruit
She didn't have another appointment until September, they adjusted her meds slightly. All that was left was those pesky "hopes and prayers" that were also supposed to fix everything else.
This was too easy. This new doctor wasn't even asking, was just doing everything she asked. And she sure wasn't caring about what medications she said she was previously on.
"Do you want to see a specialist?"
She did. Then she went to the Endocrinologist. The initial appointment was updating them on the last 10 years, the fatigue. They wanted to test her cortisol to see if maybe that was also a problem. She felt a little better after complaining for an hour, but she had a feeling this wasn't going to go anywhere.
First, she had to submit to more blood tests.
"I'm so sorry, I have tiny deep veins. I drank a lot of water to help, but I'm sorry."
The phlebotomist was an older southern lady, and reminded her of the Southern Grandma that she never got to know.
"Bless your heart child, you remind me of my daughter. She hated it when I practiced on her but your arm is exactly the same, don't you worry."
She did amazing, and she didn't even have a bruise. Not like the next time when she couldn't find her and ended up a bruise the size of a grapefruit
She didn't have another appointment until September, they adjusted her meds slightly. All that was left was those pesky "hopes and prayers" that were also supposed to fix everything else.
Tuesday, April 30, 2019
The Fest
She had enough time to mentally prepare herself for this trip, so it started in the best of spirits. Having an extended period with Goldie was going to be fun. She was going to a different part of the country than she'd ever been before, and was really looking forward to the new experience of being at a film festival.
Goldie said this was the "chilliest" off all the festivals, something that was right up her alley. The conversation never stopped and it was never awkward between them.
"If you hook up with anyone do it in their room" Goldie said, dead serious. She laughed hard and reminded her that being a demisexual sort of exuded her from the "random fuck at the film festival" crowd.
She was there representing Goldie and her art, so she was on her best behavior. She didn't talk much, she made sure when she did it was nice or funny, or harmless. She made sure she was always listening, always engaged and responding with her eyes to the things people were saying.
"You are catching the LOOKS at this festival. What the hell was that? All the guys were checking out your boobs." Goldie commented after they went back to the room from the welcome party.
Even with her lack of self-awareness when it came to other people and what they thought of her she noticed it. Some kid in college had chatted her up before a few members of the band had engaged them in conversation.
"Maybe they are just noticing my energy. I'm trying to be nice to everyone and seem approachable so that I don't make you look unfavorable."
"Nah, something else is going on," Goldie brought up later on in the weekend. "They are checking out your boobs but you are like, flirty and mysterious or something to them!"
A flash, of a life a very very long time ago. She used to be a big flirt, before the marriage had stopped her out of respect to her husband. Then, after she realized that she had KSL had been doing it, it had been put into her mind as something "bad" that she shouldn't be doing, and she'd compartmentalized that part of herself.
It was easy to be likable when someone realized they were actually being listened to.
The rest of the trip was full of sensory overload activities, A and B list celebs, and a lot of excellent conversations. She had a blast but was emotionally spent by the time they got back to the airport.
Her mind kept going back to her "flirty" side for weeks, the rusty one that she hadn't used in awhile. Was there a point in bringing her back to the surface?
Goldie said this was the "chilliest" off all the festivals, something that was right up her alley. The conversation never stopped and it was never awkward between them.
"If you hook up with anyone do it in their room" Goldie said, dead serious. She laughed hard and reminded her that being a demisexual sort of exuded her from the "random fuck at the film festival" crowd.
She was there representing Goldie and her art, so she was on her best behavior. She didn't talk much, she made sure when she did it was nice or funny, or harmless. She made sure she was always listening, always engaged and responding with her eyes to the things people were saying.
"You are catching the LOOKS at this festival. What the hell was that? All the guys were checking out your boobs." Goldie commented after they went back to the room from the welcome party.
Even with her lack of self-awareness when it came to other people and what they thought of her she noticed it. Some kid in college had chatted her up before a few members of the band had engaged them in conversation.
"Maybe they are just noticing my energy. I'm trying to be nice to everyone and seem approachable so that I don't make you look unfavorable."
"Nah, something else is going on," Goldie brought up later on in the weekend. "They are checking out your boobs but you are like, flirty and mysterious or something to them!"
A flash, of a life a very very long time ago. She used to be a big flirt, before the marriage had stopped her out of respect to her husband. Then, after she realized that she had KSL had been doing it, it had been put into her mind as something "bad" that she shouldn't be doing, and she'd compartmentalized that part of herself.
It was easy to be likable when someone realized they were actually being listened to.
The rest of the trip was full of sensory overload activities, A and B list celebs, and a lot of excellent conversations. She had a blast but was emotionally spent by the time they got back to the airport.
Her mind kept going back to her "flirty" side for weeks, the rusty one that she hadn't used in awhile. Was there a point in bringing her back to the surface?
Monday, April 22, 2019
Ugh, Why Are You Like This?
She regretted the text as soon as she'd sent it. She'd just sent out her last ditch effort text for someone to join her with ramen or sushi. She was having a craving and since the weather had improved she'd been antsy to just stay outside of her apartment.
She needed a walk and talk, a D&M. Instead, she sent out the text to Mel.
"You have to be at work tonight right?" She asked.
"Not until like 10pm, why?"
"I just wanted to get some ramen or sushi and wanted to see if you'd like to join."
"I can't, I have the play. It's opening night."
"Oh, you got into the play? You didn't tell me."
They chatted a bit longer, and he offered to take her to sushi the next week. "Thanks for reaching out, it was really nice to hear from you." he ended.
She winced. She had no dog in this fight any longer. Why did she keep going back to this situation?
Validation is a real bitch.
She needed a walk and talk, a D&M. Instead, she sent out the text to Mel.
"You have to be at work tonight right?" She asked.
"Not until like 10pm, why?"
"I just wanted to get some ramen or sushi and wanted to see if you'd like to join."
"I can't, I have the play. It's opening night."
"Oh, you got into the play? You didn't tell me."
They chatted a bit longer, and he offered to take her to sushi the next week. "Thanks for reaching out, it was really nice to hear from you." he ended.
She winced. She had no dog in this fight any longer. Why did she keep going back to this situation?
Validation is a real bitch.
Monday, April 15, 2019
The Idea of Something
"If I could re-do any part of my life...like if I died and I could come back and re-do any decade of my life, I would re-do my 20's." KSL said.
"I wouldn't re-do anything. I'd just be glad it was finally all over." She replied.
She had come to terms that now she was 100% alone. She took comfort in the fact that Nameless had wanted to meet up with her, and was really sweet and comforting about the end. In fact, it was almost a relief that it ended this way.
Because in the end it all just seemed not real. 3 years of dates. Flirtations. Kisses. Sleepovers. And sex.
And so much time alone in-between. Almost so much time that she forgot about him, about their connection. Whenever he came around again he was always sweet, always "making up" the time they spent apart. Their sense of humor gelled. He could make fun of her and it never made her feel bad. Their Love Languages were similar, so their time together, however short, was always meaningful.
She thought of their harmless conversations about her coming up to Portland with him for a weekend, or how if she was making 3 figures how he'd quit his job and be her "house husband." Lots of fun talk for something that was never meant to be.
Maybe if they'd spent more time together it wouldn't have worked out. His need to keep the bedroom cold would have gotten to her, they'd become short with one another during talking. But they never really would.
It had been a perfect casual relationship because there had been time and space to romanticize it. In the end, it was the idea of something that had been perfect.
Reading about romance, writing about romance, was so wonderful. So heart-warming. To imagine someone being there and loving her and thinking she was wonderful.
Imagining kept her safe, so she preferred it.
"I wouldn't re-do anything. I'd just be glad it was finally all over." She replied.
She had come to terms that now she was 100% alone. She took comfort in the fact that Nameless had wanted to meet up with her, and was really sweet and comforting about the end. In fact, it was almost a relief that it ended this way.
Because in the end it all just seemed not real. 3 years of dates. Flirtations. Kisses. Sleepovers. And sex.
And so much time alone in-between. Almost so much time that she forgot about him, about their connection. Whenever he came around again he was always sweet, always "making up" the time they spent apart. Their sense of humor gelled. He could make fun of her and it never made her feel bad. Their Love Languages were similar, so their time together, however short, was always meaningful.
She thought of their harmless conversations about her coming up to Portland with him for a weekend, or how if she was making 3 figures how he'd quit his job and be her "house husband." Lots of fun talk for something that was never meant to be.
Maybe if they'd spent more time together it wouldn't have worked out. His need to keep the bedroom cold would have gotten to her, they'd become short with one another during talking. But they never really would.
It had been a perfect casual relationship because there had been time and space to romanticize it. In the end, it was the idea of something that had been perfect.
Reading about romance, writing about romance, was so wonderful. So heart-warming. To imagine someone being there and loving her and thinking she was wonderful.
Imagining kept her safe, so she preferred it.
Friday, April 12, 2019
Tryst Less
"You need to see it. You need to sit down with your husband and watch it." The customer insisted.
"Well, I don't really have one of those anymore but I can watch it alon--"
"Watch it with your boyfriend then."
She caught a sigh mid-air, and said evenly "I don't have one of those either."
"Okay, your girlfriend."
She gave up. "Okay."
Later that evening she came home to the singles box that she canceled in January on her porch.
The universe was really hitting it hard how single she was. It was starting to sting. This was usually around the time that Nameless came around to pull her out of her slump. This time however, he also had a curveball for her.
"Well everything got pushed up. I have been making edits on my dissertation and at the same time working on my presentation. I really can't think of anything else. Been so tired. Company is also interested in me heading up a big project, so I might be moving again."
Two states over. He was moving two states over. Even though they hadn't seen each other in months, she was still a bit devastated. She suddenly realized how not alone she felt with his shadow, his non-existent existence, always in the back of her mind. For the next two days she was bummed out, processing the emotional hole he would leave in her life.
But he would be up once more, in a few days for his presentation and turning in his dissertation.
"Time for one final tryst?" She asked.
"Hahahaha...I don't know yet. I am trying to get my presentation done. I have to review it with my advisor and practice it. If he doesn't have any changes he wants me to make I might have a little time."
She curbed her expectations. What he was working on was a big deal and she suggested seeing him after it was over. "I wish I could stay," he responded "I am flying out Saturday to head back east for an experiment. I would really like to be able to grab a drink and have that final tryst (as you put it). If I can get this done I am down. I couldn't be an all night thing though. I have to talk for an hour and I will need to practice multiple times at night and early in the morning."
Her heart melted a little bit. He wanted her to stay over but knew he had to concentrate. It was really very sweet of him to be straightforward about her staying, which she never would have done anyway. As much as he was sweet about her staying, he was always running too hot to cuddle throughout the night, and he was always grumpy in the morning. Staying over was cute when they weren't having sex together, but ever since they'd started, it hadn't gone well.
The night he was in town he said he'd text. A little before 9pm he texted. "I am still fumbling around with this and need to work on it more. I don't think today is going to work unless I make some serious head way soon."
"I am sorry...I was really looking forward to one last tryst. But who knows I could be back sometime."
She smiled. It was bittersweet. She wasn't happy that the last time she saw him wasn't going to be the last time. This wasn't like with Piz, when it felt like she was neglected. He had kept her up to date and wanted to meet up, it just wasn't in the cards. She was really going to miss him.
She had decided she would finish her dinner, then text KSL and ask him where his was on his bus route and go pick him up. Before that could happen, he walked in the door.
"Hey, I was--" He cut her off. Apparently he had a rough day, his mom had picked him up and taken him shopping and dropped him off at home. She tried to ask him what had happened and he continued to cut her off.
Cool. What a masculine trade-off. Turns out in the end she wasn't alone at all. She was worse.
"Well, I don't really have one of those anymore but I can watch it alon--"
"Watch it with your boyfriend then."
She caught a sigh mid-air, and said evenly "I don't have one of those either."
"Okay, your girlfriend."
She gave up. "Okay."
Later that evening she came home to the singles box that she canceled in January on her porch.
The universe was really hitting it hard how single she was. It was starting to sting. This was usually around the time that Nameless came around to pull her out of her slump. This time however, he also had a curveball for her.
"Well everything got pushed up. I have been making edits on my dissertation and at the same time working on my presentation. I really can't think of anything else. Been so tired. Company is also interested in me heading up a big project, so I might be moving again."
Two states over. He was moving two states over. Even though they hadn't seen each other in months, she was still a bit devastated. She suddenly realized how not alone she felt with his shadow, his non-existent existence, always in the back of her mind. For the next two days she was bummed out, processing the emotional hole he would leave in her life.
But he would be up once more, in a few days for his presentation and turning in his dissertation.
"Time for one final tryst?" She asked.
"Hahahaha...I don't know yet. I am trying to get my presentation done. I have to review it with my advisor and practice it. If he doesn't have any changes he wants me to make I might have a little time."
She curbed her expectations. What he was working on was a big deal and she suggested seeing him after it was over. "I wish I could stay," he responded "I am flying out Saturday to head back east for an experiment. I would really like to be able to grab a drink and have that final tryst (as you put it). If I can get this done I am down. I couldn't be an all night thing though. I have to talk for an hour and I will need to practice multiple times at night and early in the morning."
Her heart melted a little bit. He wanted her to stay over but knew he had to concentrate. It was really very sweet of him to be straightforward about her staying, which she never would have done anyway. As much as he was sweet about her staying, he was always running too hot to cuddle throughout the night, and he was always grumpy in the morning. Staying over was cute when they weren't having sex together, but ever since they'd started, it hadn't gone well.
The night he was in town he said he'd text. A little before 9pm he texted. "I am still fumbling around with this and need to work on it more. I don't think today is going to work unless I make some serious head way soon."
"I am sorry...I was really looking forward to one last tryst. But who knows I could be back sometime."
She smiled. It was bittersweet. She wasn't happy that the last time she saw him wasn't going to be the last time. This wasn't like with Piz, when it felt like she was neglected. He had kept her up to date and wanted to meet up, it just wasn't in the cards. She was really going to miss him.
She had decided she would finish her dinner, then text KSL and ask him where his was on his bus route and go pick him up. Before that could happen, he walked in the door.
"Hey, I was--" He cut her off. Apparently he had a rough day, his mom had picked him up and taken him shopping and dropped him off at home. She tried to ask him what had happened and he continued to cut her off.
Cool. What a masculine trade-off. Turns out in the end she wasn't alone at all. She was worse.
Monday, March 11, 2019
Brunch and Growth
"IL and I just talked about how I need to get up from the table, and that's what I did. And I honestly feel amazing right now. I'm getting enough space to myself, enough sleep. I don't have to worry about him as much even though I still do because I'll always care about him, it's just a weight lifted."
"That is so amazing!" He friend exclaimed. "Seriously, people in my group at work never get to this point in their lives, and I want to like, bring you in for a talk or something."
"You should bring in IL, she's the one who got me this far. I wouldn't have been able to see things without her shedding a light on them."
It was nice to talk about how content she was despite not being entirely happy with her apartment. Things were rough all over, and it looked like they really didn't have a choice about staying in the place for another year. Anywhere else was going to be more expensive, and better the devil you know when it came to a lack of home repairs.
"You look amazing" her friend said to her. "I always wanted you and KSL to get together, but maybe this is always the way it was meant to be for you two. Leaning on each other without having romance cloud judgement or let it become something that gets weaponized in the heat of an argument."
"We are weird together. It's like, a practice relationship. Things that I would normally do that I know aren't healthy, I can draw boundaries without fear of loss of love, because he never loved me to begin with. I'm learning lots of lessons that I need to learn. There are times that I wish there was more, and times when I wish there was far less. I think it's been good for both of us, but honestly who knows what goes through his head. All I have is myself, and I'm only responsible for my own actions. It's always something I keep in mind now. Instead of playing a victim, instead I think about how to change myself to get the outcome I need. So far, it's working."
"That is so amazing!" He friend exclaimed. "Seriously, people in my group at work never get to this point in their lives, and I want to like, bring you in for a talk or something."
"You should bring in IL, she's the one who got me this far. I wouldn't have been able to see things without her shedding a light on them."
It was nice to talk about how content she was despite not being entirely happy with her apartment. Things were rough all over, and it looked like they really didn't have a choice about staying in the place for another year. Anywhere else was going to be more expensive, and better the devil you know when it came to a lack of home repairs.
"You look amazing" her friend said to her. "I always wanted you and KSL to get together, but maybe this is always the way it was meant to be for you two. Leaning on each other without having romance cloud judgement or let it become something that gets weaponized in the heat of an argument."
"We are weird together. It's like, a practice relationship. Things that I would normally do that I know aren't healthy, I can draw boundaries without fear of loss of love, because he never loved me to begin with. I'm learning lots of lessons that I need to learn. There are times that I wish there was more, and times when I wish there was far less. I think it's been good for both of us, but honestly who knows what goes through his head. All I have is myself, and I'm only responsible for my own actions. It's always something I keep in mind now. Instead of playing a victim, instead I think about how to change myself to get the outcome I need. So far, it's working."
Thursday, February 21, 2019
This is Going to Make a Great Blog Post For You
"So I'm surprised that you didn't invite her to stay" She said to KSL as he walked in from walking his ex out to the car.
She was honestly surprised that he didn't go harder for another round with her. Lord knows he wanted to keep their "competition" up with whoever had sex last with him winning.
Instead he walked over to where she was standing, dropped to his knees, and wailed "I'm going to be alone forever."
Her eyes widened at the sudden juxtaposition of her standing over him. In the history of their entire friendship this had never been a position they'd been in. She wasn't sure that she was focusing on this fact in order to deter her emotions from what seemed to be happening, which was him suddenly falling apart.
She hesitated, then realized that he had no intention of leaving the floor anytime soon, joined him. He was mostly half-hyperventilating/half dry sobbing, occasionally interjecting with "She doesn't want me," "I haven't been like this in 14 years," and "I've just been trying to hold it together for so long."
Since this wasn't really the best time to go for her phone and do a quick search for "what to do when someone is clearly having a mental breakdown" she just let him get it out and stood by him. When she was high and upset, she knew it helped to have someone anchoring her to the earth, so she kept rubbing his back, then his arm when he ended up on his back on the floor.
"At least you know now I'm not making this up" he said in-between gulps of air. This particular phrase stopped her empathy, and she knew she couldn't spiral into this with him. On some level she now had to wonder if he was just, in a small way, doing this for attention. Either way, her sympathy wasn't stopping whatever he was going through.
Through everything they had gone through, usually when she raised her voice he responded by calming down, so though she still held onto him she made an effort to steel her voice a bit more to get him to come around.
"This is going to make a great blog post for you," he said. She pursed her lips, and took a deep breath. It was amazing that through all his pain, anguish, he was still able to be petty and insulting. Up until that point she had no intention of posting about it, but that changed her mind.
She decided that she needed a occurring line as well. "Stop."
It didn't work. She couldn't talk him down. He told her to leave, and when she stood he begged for her to stay. She resumed always keeping a hand on him but mostly letting him be.
She managed to keep his hysterics to a simmer, but only after he gave himself a bruise banging on their kitchen counter and putting a small hole through the wall. After an hour she felt like she was failing terribly. Every time it seemed like he was winding down it would ramp up again and she would have to yell at him.
She was worried that some neighbor was going to call the cops, but then she remembered all of the neighbors that they shared walls with and how garbage they all were and she stopped worrying. They could have one night of keeping them up instead of the other way around.
Eventually his breath started to regulate, and she got him to a standing position. He then transitioned into saying he was sorry over and over again. She went back to telling him to stop, and he continued apologizing. This was the hardest part to take, and her wall came down a little and she teared up a bit. "You're okay. You're gonna be okay." She repeated.
Her hand had moved up to caressing his face, which seemed to be calming him. He laid his head on her shoulder, and she rubbed his back. He seemed to be coming around to being in his right mind again, so as a friendly "you got through it" gesture, she kissed his temple. It wasn't unusual at this point in their friendship to be okay with the occasional forehead/top of the head kiss. Then he kissed her neck, and her heartbeat quickened with panic.
She pulled away and asked if he was okay to go to bed. He said he was. She asked if he needed her there for awhile, and he gave her a look that made her backtrack immediately, saying she was just worried he was going to put a hole through the wall if he was left by himself for awhile, or do something harmful to himself. He said he would never go that far. She decided that joking about him needing an audience to do anything wasn't well timed, and she watched him go off to bed.
She had a dull ache in her chest for days afterwards, as if she was unsure where to set down all that she had taken in.
She was honestly surprised that he didn't go harder for another round with her. Lord knows he wanted to keep their "competition" up with whoever had sex last with him winning.
Instead he walked over to where she was standing, dropped to his knees, and wailed "I'm going to be alone forever."
Her eyes widened at the sudden juxtaposition of her standing over him. In the history of their entire friendship this had never been a position they'd been in. She wasn't sure that she was focusing on this fact in order to deter her emotions from what seemed to be happening, which was him suddenly falling apart.
She hesitated, then realized that he had no intention of leaving the floor anytime soon, joined him. He was mostly half-hyperventilating/half dry sobbing, occasionally interjecting with "She doesn't want me," "I haven't been like this in 14 years," and "I've just been trying to hold it together for so long."
Since this wasn't really the best time to go for her phone and do a quick search for "what to do when someone is clearly having a mental breakdown" she just let him get it out and stood by him. When she was high and upset, she knew it helped to have someone anchoring her to the earth, so she kept rubbing his back, then his arm when he ended up on his back on the floor.
"At least you know now I'm not making this up" he said in-between gulps of air. This particular phrase stopped her empathy, and she knew she couldn't spiral into this with him. On some level she now had to wonder if he was just, in a small way, doing this for attention. Either way, her sympathy wasn't stopping whatever he was going through.
Through everything they had gone through, usually when she raised her voice he responded by calming down, so though she still held onto him she made an effort to steel her voice a bit more to get him to come around.
"This is going to make a great blog post for you," he said. She pursed her lips, and took a deep breath. It was amazing that through all his pain, anguish, he was still able to be petty and insulting. Up until that point she had no intention of posting about it, but that changed her mind.
She decided that she needed a occurring line as well. "Stop."
It didn't work. She couldn't talk him down. He told her to leave, and when she stood he begged for her to stay. She resumed always keeping a hand on him but mostly letting him be.
She managed to keep his hysterics to a simmer, but only after he gave himself a bruise banging on their kitchen counter and putting a small hole through the wall. After an hour she felt like she was failing terribly. Every time it seemed like he was winding down it would ramp up again and she would have to yell at him.
She was worried that some neighbor was going to call the cops, but then she remembered all of the neighbors that they shared walls with and how garbage they all were and she stopped worrying. They could have one night of keeping them up instead of the other way around.
Eventually his breath started to regulate, and she got him to a standing position. He then transitioned into saying he was sorry over and over again. She went back to telling him to stop, and he continued apologizing. This was the hardest part to take, and her wall came down a little and she teared up a bit. "You're okay. You're gonna be okay." She repeated.
Her hand had moved up to caressing his face, which seemed to be calming him. He laid his head on her shoulder, and she rubbed his back. He seemed to be coming around to being in his right mind again, so as a friendly "you got through it" gesture, she kissed his temple. It wasn't unusual at this point in their friendship to be okay with the occasional forehead/top of the head kiss. Then he kissed her neck, and her heartbeat quickened with panic.
She pulled away and asked if he was okay to go to bed. He said he was. She asked if he needed her there for awhile, and he gave her a look that made her backtrack immediately, saying she was just worried he was going to put a hole through the wall if he was left by himself for awhile, or do something harmful to himself. He said he would never go that far. She decided that joking about him needing an audience to do anything wasn't well timed, and she watched him go off to bed.
She had a dull ache in her chest for days afterwards, as if she was unsure where to set down all that she had taken in.
Monday, February 11, 2019
Grief
Her mother had offered to come with her on the 4 hour round trip drive to the Ex's funeral with her. They managed to not kill each other there or back, but there were moments of tension. She'd emotionally thrown up a wall to deal with the day anyway.
She expected to attend the funeral, pay her respects, support the ex, feel like she shouldn't be there the whole time, and leave.
She didn't expect to feel everything that she'd feel. She got into town a little early so they stopped at a rest area and then went directly to the funeral home.
It was packed, and for a moment she panicked. She needed to find a place for her mother to sit, at least. She saw her ex and went to him for a hug. He said there were still spots available so she ventured down the pew-like benches.
She locked eyes with some of his best friends from the town, and she didn't know if they were going to ignore her, or hate that she was there. They told her to sit down next to them and gave her a very warm hug. She didn't expect sympathy, caring or love. She was completely unprepared for that reaction. Her wall came down in an unexpected way, and she cried in a way she didn't think she would at the funeral. They somehow made it okay for her to be upset about this death.
They stuck with her through the funeral, and the wake afterwards. She couldn't believe how much they treated her like nothing had changed, like the divorce didn't happen. Even his brothers gave her a hug, and although the feeling was just them dealing with their grief.
The weather was so bitter cold, but her heart was warm from the not-rejection she experienced. She just expected the reception to be as chilly as the weather. She felt so relieved that she was wrong.
She expected to attend the funeral, pay her respects, support the ex, feel like she shouldn't be there the whole time, and leave.
She didn't expect to feel everything that she'd feel. She got into town a little early so they stopped at a rest area and then went directly to the funeral home.
It was packed, and for a moment she panicked. She needed to find a place for her mother to sit, at least. She saw her ex and went to him for a hug. He said there were still spots available so she ventured down the pew-like benches.
She locked eyes with some of his best friends from the town, and she didn't know if they were going to ignore her, or hate that she was there. They told her to sit down next to them and gave her a very warm hug. She didn't expect sympathy, caring or love. She was completely unprepared for that reaction. Her wall came down in an unexpected way, and she cried in a way she didn't think she would at the funeral. They somehow made it okay for her to be upset about this death.
They stuck with her through the funeral, and the wake afterwards. She couldn't believe how much they treated her like nothing had changed, like the divorce didn't happen. Even his brothers gave her a hug, and although the feeling was just them dealing with their grief.
The weather was so bitter cold, but her heart was warm from the not-rejection she experienced. She just expected the reception to be as chilly as the weather. She felt so relieved that she was wrong.
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
Getting Up From the Table
"That sounds like a toxic living situation for the both of you." IL said. "Mama, you ain't kidding" She replied.
After 24 hours she had finally calmed down and started to think rationally. KSL didn't set out to have a tryst deliberately to spite her when she was grieving. But she did obviously feel slighted, and she needed to explore that.
She had been pushed to yet another brink. Why? What was missing that was causing her to be so emotional about this?
She took stock of how she felt. She was stretched thin, she felt it. After some thought she realized it was because she gave too much of herself without any sign that it made any difference.
She didn't get enough sleep because she stayed up watching movies with KSL, and then had to get up an hour earlier to drop him off from work. He wasn't making enough money so she was not requiring him to do the things he'd normally do, like pay for every other tank of gas. Her car was showing the wear and tear of 9 months of driving across town multiple times a day. She knew soon it would get expensive and time consuming and she didn't have enough money to get a down payment or have a car payment again.
She was stressed. She was putting herself, her health, at risk for things that he was just taking for granted, and wouldn't even miss if they were gone.
So then why was she doing it? She swore she'd never again keep setting herself on fire just to keep someone warm. It was bullshit.
"I'm sorry that I came at you the way that I did," she started. "I realized that the reason I reacted was somethings that I needed to change, so I'm going to tell you about them."
"I've set an alarm on my phone for 10:15. When it goes off we need to wrap up whatever we are doing and I need alone time."
Later she had told him she could no longer drive him to work after the second week in March. The new office that he could walk to should have been ready at the beginning of March, so 2 weeks longer seemed more than fair. She knew she'd become angry and resentful after that point in time.
She could only change her, and her reaction to things. It was time to take control of that.
After 24 hours she had finally calmed down and started to think rationally. KSL didn't set out to have a tryst deliberately to spite her when she was grieving. But she did obviously feel slighted, and she needed to explore that.
She had been pushed to yet another brink. Why? What was missing that was causing her to be so emotional about this?
She took stock of how she felt. She was stretched thin, she felt it. After some thought she realized it was because she gave too much of herself without any sign that it made any difference.
She didn't get enough sleep because she stayed up watching movies with KSL, and then had to get up an hour earlier to drop him off from work. He wasn't making enough money so she was not requiring him to do the things he'd normally do, like pay for every other tank of gas. Her car was showing the wear and tear of 9 months of driving across town multiple times a day. She knew soon it would get expensive and time consuming and she didn't have enough money to get a down payment or have a car payment again.
She was stressed. She was putting herself, her health, at risk for things that he was just taking for granted, and wouldn't even miss if they were gone.
So then why was she doing it? She swore she'd never again keep setting herself on fire just to keep someone warm. It was bullshit.
"I'm sorry that I came at you the way that I did," she started. "I realized that the reason I reacted was somethings that I needed to change, so I'm going to tell you about them."
"I've set an alarm on my phone for 10:15. When it goes off we need to wrap up whatever we are doing and I need alone time."
Later she had told him she could no longer drive him to work after the second week in March. The new office that he could walk to should have been ready at the beginning of March, so 2 weeks longer seemed more than fair. She knew she'd become angry and resentful after that point in time.
She could only change her, and her reaction to things. It was time to take control of that.
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Explode/Implode
Her ex had called, which he never did. She answered because his father had just died, and she thought he could really use a friend. As it turned out, their shared cat had died while he was away taking care of his dad. It had broken him, and he cried to her over the phone. She asked if he wanted her to come over, but he had to go to bed soon as he needed to work early.
KSL asked her what she needed directly after the phone call. She was both numb and feeling everything at once, and she answered honestly that there was nothing he could do right now. There was nothing anyone could do...she'd just lost her last father figure.
People started showing up for KSL's movie night, and the more people arrived the more her anxiety level rose. KSL was busy cooking and entertaining, and she tried to hang out in the common area, but knew she wouldn't be able to hold it together much longer. It would not be fair to commander KSL's night, so she decided leaving was best. She decided it so fast that she found herself on the other side of her front door with nowhere to go.
After a few panicked texts, she ended up safe at Goldie's house. She managed to get her emotions under control, and then she got a text from KSL that said that everyone was about to clear out, and it was "safe" for her to return home and not be overwhelmed with people.
An hour later she returned to a not-so empty home. KSL was in his room, but his ex's shoes and purse were still by the door, and her phone lay face-up on the coffee table. They were talking, loudly, and laughing occasionally. As she got some water from the kitchen, it quickly became apparent that they were starting to have sex.
It stung. She felt disrespected. He'd promised her a safe place to come home too, and delivered the exact opposite. The juxtaposition of her grief and having to listen to the extremely loud sex grated on her psyche in a way that she hadn't felt in a long time. It felt personal. It felt like an attack on her. He had led her to this situation, and soon enough she saw nothing but red.
The escapades lasted for 4+ hours. She got more angry the longer it went on. He knew she had plans early the next morning, and it felt like he was deliberately doing this to her.
She finally got 2 hours of sleep, woke up, and sent him a very long text. "As a friend, especially after how much of my emotional state I've shared with you as of late, it was extra hurtful to have to listen to you having sex with her while experiencing grief. It showed me that you are more willing to follow what makes your dick hard instead of being a respectful friend. But hey, you finally did it. You've finally convinced me, after 8 months of insisting, that you are garbage."
She told him she needed a full 24 hours before speaking on the matter, and preferred not to see him in that time frame. She had a lot of calming down to do.
KSL asked her what she needed directly after the phone call. She was both numb and feeling everything at once, and she answered honestly that there was nothing he could do right now. There was nothing anyone could do...she'd just lost her last father figure.
People started showing up for KSL's movie night, and the more people arrived the more her anxiety level rose. KSL was busy cooking and entertaining, and she tried to hang out in the common area, but knew she wouldn't be able to hold it together much longer. It would not be fair to commander KSL's night, so she decided leaving was best. She decided it so fast that she found herself on the other side of her front door with nowhere to go.
After a few panicked texts, she ended up safe at Goldie's house. She managed to get her emotions under control, and then she got a text from KSL that said that everyone was about to clear out, and it was "safe" for her to return home and not be overwhelmed with people.
An hour later she returned to a not-so empty home. KSL was in his room, but his ex's shoes and purse were still by the door, and her phone lay face-up on the coffee table. They were talking, loudly, and laughing occasionally. As she got some water from the kitchen, it quickly became apparent that they were starting to have sex.
It stung. She felt disrespected. He'd promised her a safe place to come home too, and delivered the exact opposite. The juxtaposition of her grief and having to listen to the extremely loud sex grated on her psyche in a way that she hadn't felt in a long time. It felt personal. It felt like an attack on her. He had led her to this situation, and soon enough she saw nothing but red.
The escapades lasted for 4+ hours. She got more angry the longer it went on. He knew she had plans early the next morning, and it felt like he was deliberately doing this to her.
She finally got 2 hours of sleep, woke up, and sent him a very long text. "As a friend, especially after how much of my emotional state I've shared with you as of late, it was extra hurtful to have to listen to you having sex with her while experiencing grief. It showed me that you are more willing to follow what makes your dick hard instead of being a respectful friend. But hey, you finally did it. You've finally convinced me, after 8 months of insisting, that you are garbage."
She told him she needed a full 24 hours before speaking on the matter, and preferred not to see him in that time frame. She had a lot of calming down to do.
Friday, January 11, 2019
It Gets Better***
***but first it gets worse.
She was in such a hurry to get into her appointment at the doctor that she forgot her phone in the car.
Now she was stuck waiting around without distraction. She pulled out a pen and started writing everything that was happening as a way to distract her.
She was in such a hurry to get into her appointment at the doctor that she forgot her phone in the car.
Now she was stuck waiting around without distraction. She pulled out a pen and started writing everything that was happening as a way to distract her.
- Nothing like forgetting your phone when you have a 2 hour doctor's appointment.
- That is pretty stressful, and you could use a distraction.
- I could be shopping for shoes online, but instead I'm writing on the back of a $200 receipt. All because I like to keep my phone in my cup holder. Cool cool
- They've called two "Samantha's" and and two "Julia's" and the wrong one always stands up first. There has to be a psychological reason behind that.
- Aaand there goes the 3rd Samantha.
- Ultrasound @9, IUD Insert at 10:20. This is the worst day to have bad gas but here we are.
- There are 3 sections of the waiting area at the OBGYN: With Kids, without kids, and the Undecideds. It's this wacky Woman's Only West Side Story.
- The Have-Nots hate that the Have's children break the silence of the waiting room.
- They still have their Xmas tree up. Ugh.
- 9;39 am: Ultrasound done. Waiting to see if they can get me in for the IUD sooner. The tech was super chatty and nice and her energy put me at ease. It was kinda cool to see my uterus. It looks really small.
- All they have in this waiting room is parenting mags. Ugh.
- And parents. And one Have-Not refuses to move from her middle seat so a family can't sit together.
- 9:48 am: My blood pressure is "faint" and I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
- Here we go...
The procedure was not pleasant, and she actually exclaimed "ouchie" at one point, but in about 45 seconds it was over.
On the way home, the cramps started, and continued for the next 40 days.
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