"I've been thinking about Piz a lot lately. More than I should be. Maybe it's because he's leaving soon. I keep thinking about how different the past few months would have been if we had stayed together. The lost potential. I don't know."
She was sharing an awesome meal and some of her favorite wine with a friend on that dreaded February 14th date. She was feeling pretty okay with where her life had been heading, and even though she had all but given up on the dating scene, she was okay with it. She was finally in a place where being single was okay.
Piz was still there though, in the back of her mind. He was leaving soon, and much as she tried to replace the last time they were together to the second to last time they were together, she still thought about how it had ended.
She felt the need to text him. What would she say? Everyone would tell her not to text him, to forget about him and move on. Maybe everyone would be right.
She was getting a little tired of not following her intuition and her heart. It hadn't gotten her anywhere she wanted to go. She had to do what felt right by her, and damn the consequences.
It took her three days to compose and adjust the text before she sent it.
"So, I know you are leaving soon. I wanted to wish you well, I know you are going to do amazing work. I'd like to get a drink with you before you go to say goodbye, but I understand if you don't want to see me. I just wanted to let you know there are no hard feelings on my end, and I hope you find/have found happiness."
It was adult, it was respectful, it was honest. She just wanted to erase that last night, get the taste out of her mouth. And if he didn't answer, then at least she cleared her side. She talked herself into not seeing a response from him.
In fact, she wasn't even thinking about it as she settled onto her yoga mat. As the first steps were beginning, her wrist vibrated a text message notification. She expected it to be BW seeing if she wanted to go to breakfast, or something from Twitter.
She was shocked to see Piz's name crawl across the display. "Thanks Penny, I appreciate the..." and the display cut off.
Needless to say, her yoga game was thrown all the way off. She tried her hardest to concentrate, but she went through the whole range of emotions trying to figure out what the whole message could possibly say.
"Are you okay?" Dawn asked her at the end of class.
"I got a response from Piz. I don't know what it says. And I've had a whole hour to work myself up about it."
They looked at it together.
"Thanks Penny I appreciate the kind words. No hard feelings on my end too. I'm sorry but I already left for Arizona."
Her breath caught in her throat. "Oh." She choked out, sitting down into a chair. The news hit her like bricks to the chest. He was already gone. She missed her shot. He didn't say goodbye. He didn't say anything. She forced herself to read the rest of the message.
"I'm not sure of my exact schedule yet but I should be back in town in the next couple of months. We should try to grab a drink then, I'll let you know. I hope everything is well."
Dawn's face lit up, and she exclaimed "This is good Penny! This is a good message! He wants to meet up for a drink when he's in town, that's good! Why are you so upset?"
Tears were now freely rolling down her face. She was feeling the emotions that she had yet to parse out. All she could say was "I didn't expect him to be gone already. He was supposed to leave on March 1st. He left early. He left me early."
She couldn't stop crying.
Monday, February 27, 2017
Friday, February 24, 2017
Getting the Job Undone
"Your insurance isn't valid. I think your former employer might have canceled it."
Pre-Op was not how she wanted to get this news. She didn't want to get this news at all. She had worked out with her new job that she would be out for a week to recover. Why would they cancel her insurance?
She texted her old boss to ask him what had happened, and he promised to look into it. She made her way into work and told them of her potentially canceled surgery.
She was a little crushed. She knew she could always reschedule in a few months with the better insurance that she'd get after her new job's probation was over. But it would still be a great thing to be without her tonsils.
She couldn't really blame it on KSL that she'd gotten strep several times in the last year. Obviously something was wrong. The ENT had said that her tonsils were very large even when she was perfectly healthy. He told her that it was most likely the cause of why she wasn't getting quality sleep, still getting sick all the time, not able to swallow and always having a bit of a sore throat. Her dentist had even said that everything he could tell her to improve on was being caused by her tonsils, and having them out would solve everything.
And now, she was being forced to stay in the abusive relationship she had with them. Her old boss texted her to call him when she was at lunch.
"So, the insurance agent called me back to tell me they canceled your insurance. I'm not sure I should have been told that though, since they fired me before he could call me back. Your other co-worker too."
"What?!?! They fired everyone? Oh my god, they fired both of you at the same time?"
"Yep, called us into the office together and everything."
She was in shock. This was far too many things happening at once. She called her surgeon and canceled her surgery. She went to her new job and explained what had happened. She threw herself on their mercy, and they decided to let her work through the week and schedule her surgery for July, their slow month. It was a long time to continue to suffer, but it was better than never getting them out.
She got major survivors guilt. She got out without being fired, and they didn't. She had a great job, one that would turn into a years long commitment, she hoped. Her heart went out to them.
She felt like she was Indiana Jones, and the boulder was racing towards her.
Pre-Op was not how she wanted to get this news. She didn't want to get this news at all. She had worked out with her new job that she would be out for a week to recover. Why would they cancel her insurance?
She texted her old boss to ask him what had happened, and he promised to look into it. She made her way into work and told them of her potentially canceled surgery.
She was a little crushed. She knew she could always reschedule in a few months with the better insurance that she'd get after her new job's probation was over. But it would still be a great thing to be without her tonsils.
She couldn't really blame it on KSL that she'd gotten strep several times in the last year. Obviously something was wrong. The ENT had said that her tonsils were very large even when she was perfectly healthy. He told her that it was most likely the cause of why she wasn't getting quality sleep, still getting sick all the time, not able to swallow and always having a bit of a sore throat. Her dentist had even said that everything he could tell her to improve on was being caused by her tonsils, and having them out would solve everything.
And now, she was being forced to stay in the abusive relationship she had with them. Her old boss texted her to call him when she was at lunch.
"So, the insurance agent called me back to tell me they canceled your insurance. I'm not sure I should have been told that though, since they fired me before he could call me back. Your other co-worker too."
"What?!?! They fired everyone? Oh my god, they fired both of you at the same time?"
"Yep, called us into the office together and everything."
She was in shock. This was far too many things happening at once. She called her surgeon and canceled her surgery. She went to her new job and explained what had happened. She threw herself on their mercy, and they decided to let her work through the week and schedule her surgery for July, their slow month. It was a long time to continue to suffer, but it was better than never getting them out.
She got major survivors guilt. She got out without being fired, and they didn't. She had a great job, one that would turn into a years long commitment, she hoped. Her heart went out to them.
She felt like she was Indiana Jones, and the boulder was racing towards her.
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Rule of Empathy
"My mom told me that my ex told her that he can't pay off his credit cards. Still. Which only makes me want to file the paperwork faster. But he has the paperwork and can't seem to fill it out."
Her friend responded "Really? Is he holding out hope for reconciliation?"
"Maybe. PJ told me that this summer he went home from a show early and told everyone he had to study to "get his woman back."
"How do you feel about that?"
"I feel terrible. Sick. Horrible. Devastated. I wish I would've just killed myself instead of left him...because then I wouldn't be left with feeling so awful. I feel like I ruin everything and I shouldn't be here."
Her friend responded "Really? Is he holding out hope for reconciliation?"
"Maybe. PJ told me that this summer he went home from a show early and told everyone he had to study to "get his woman back."
"How do you feel about that?"
"I feel terrible. Sick. Horrible. Devastated. I wish I would've just killed myself instead of left him...because then I wouldn't be left with feeling so awful. I feel like I ruin everything and I shouldn't be here."
Monday, February 20, 2017
Celebrate Good Times Now Stop
"We have to go out tonight to celebrate your new job! How exciting is that!?!?" MG exclaimed.
In reality, she was exhausted. It had been a hard week for her, without much sleep. She knew she wouldn't be sleeping in anytime soon. MG seemed determined, however, so they set out to celebrate. Banana joined them and MG took no time in tossing her drinks back quickly.
They moved onto another bar where MG immediately befriended a group of people and started the giant Truth or Dare Jenga game the bar provided. She tried to play with them but really wasn't feeling it. She went and talked to some other friends she saw at the bar, and then told them she was going to walk home. She asked Banana to watch over MG and drive her to her apartment later so she could sleep it off.
On her way home she encountered a couple where the male was attempting jumping on a rock that went horribly wrong. He went down fast and hard, and her heart went out to him.
"Buddy, are you okay?" She asked, walking over to him. He stood up fast, and before she knew what was happening he had shoved her. He was extremely inebriated, so it was a weak push, but it was a shove just the same. "Hey, stay away from me!"
"Dude, why do you have to have so much hate in your heart?" She asked, almost yelling at him. He looked almost ashamed, as his girlfriend apologized for his behavior. She walked away without another word. She had obviously had a little too much to drink herself.
She left her apartment unlocked, made up the couch, and went to sleep. Her dehydrated body woke her two hours later, demanding water. After she gulped some down, she realized it was past last call and there was no MG on her couch.
She went back and forth texting MG, who was clearly 10 times more drunk than when she left her. She got into the car to drive down where she was to pick her up. MG became angry and said she could take care of herself, and hung up on her.
She left a scathing message on MG's voicemail, threatening not only not moving in with her, but stopping being her friend altogether.
Eventually she found her on the street. She yelled at her to get in the car, and MG ended up puking in the parking garage for a few minutes.
The next morning they took a sobriety pack together.
In reality, she was exhausted. It had been a hard week for her, without much sleep. She knew she wouldn't be sleeping in anytime soon. MG seemed determined, however, so they set out to celebrate. Banana joined them and MG took no time in tossing her drinks back quickly.
They moved onto another bar where MG immediately befriended a group of people and started the giant Truth or Dare Jenga game the bar provided. She tried to play with them but really wasn't feeling it. She went and talked to some other friends she saw at the bar, and then told them she was going to walk home. She asked Banana to watch over MG and drive her to her apartment later so she could sleep it off.
On her way home she encountered a couple where the male was attempting jumping on a rock that went horribly wrong. He went down fast and hard, and her heart went out to him.
"Buddy, are you okay?" She asked, walking over to him. He stood up fast, and before she knew what was happening he had shoved her. He was extremely inebriated, so it was a weak push, but it was a shove just the same. "Hey, stay away from me!"
"Dude, why do you have to have so much hate in your heart?" She asked, almost yelling at him. He looked almost ashamed, as his girlfriend apologized for his behavior. She walked away without another word. She had obviously had a little too much to drink herself.
She left her apartment unlocked, made up the couch, and went to sleep. Her dehydrated body woke her two hours later, demanding water. After she gulped some down, she realized it was past last call and there was no MG on her couch.
She went back and forth texting MG, who was clearly 10 times more drunk than when she left her. She got into the car to drive down where she was to pick her up. MG became angry and said she could take care of herself, and hung up on her.
She left a scathing message on MG's voicemail, threatening not only not moving in with her, but stopping being her friend altogether.
Eventually she found her on the street. She yelled at her to get in the car, and MG ended up puking in the parking garage for a few minutes.
The next morning they took a sobriety pack together.
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