Tears came into her eyes as she felt the blood vessel burst. They had tried the IV in her hand first, and it hadn't gone well. The nurse held the pressure down to get it to stop bleeding, occasionally massaging it to get it to feel better. It hurt like hell, but she was more upset that she was going to have to sit through another poking.
The second one, just below the crease of her elbow, hurt worse. The nurse dug around for a vessel before popping another one, then decided to get the "master poker" who would get it in one go. She was left to freak out by herself for a minute before they brought back KSL. She noticed his agitation immediately and she asked what was wrong.
After a few minutes he confessed that he hated hospitals, after the ones he had to accompany his mother to and the ones he needed to be admitted to as well. She was immediately exasperated with him...why would he let it get this far? She needed someone to be calming her down, not the other way around.
She told him he could wait out in the main waiting room, but he said it was fine. She tried to get him to tell her a story, make both of them forget that an IV was sticking out of her arm, that she had a ridiculously oversized hairnet on. It worked for awhile, then it was finally time to take her back after joking with the anesthesiologist about getting her appendix out too, since she was already doped up.
Her heart was beating so hard that when it was time for her to transfer herself onto the operating table, she got woozy. "That stuff kicked in fast!" She exclaimed. The anesthesiologist again laughed at her. After quite a bit of shuffling herself over and not also flashing everyone in the room at the same time, she got to the other table. She was still adjusting her head onto the pillow provided, and then suddenly she was in recovery, still super woozy. She felt like she had awoken from a long nap, whereas before she had been under anesthesia, it was like no time had passed at all.
She took a deep breath in and was shocked at how much air was already in her lungs without much effort. It was as if someone had finally replaced her old, thick vintage fabric curtains with....well with nothing. Her throat was suddenly an open window into the outside world. Even with everything swollen and throbbing from surgery, she was feeling amazing. Better than amazing.
Which means she'd just be waiting for the other shoe to drop during her entire recovery.
Monday, May 15, 2017
Friday, May 12, 2017
Welcome to Your Tape, Side B
Earlier in the year someone from her hometown logged onto her blog for a minute. She panicked and moved it. A week later they had found it again, so she set it to private. She accused KSL several times of him being the one to find it, but he denied it.
She put the blog under lock and key and continued to add to it while giving pass codes to her select two readers, her good friends.
She continued to write, but her life got a little hectic. It went on. Work was getting into the busy season, and more was put on her plate than she was able to take. It didn't help that she was still in a rut, emotionally numb. She tried her best to feel anything at all, but she couldn't. She just couldn't bring herself to care, or even want to care.
Despondent seemed to be the right word for her feeling. So despondent was her feeling going into the evening with KSL. He was coming over to have a drink, she couldn't really get herself to care one way or another about it.
The evening was enjoyable enough, though he brought up the blog again. She said she was keeping up with it even though it was basically locked up.
"Can I tell you something?" KSL asked.
"You were the one that found it." She said numbly.
"Yeah," He replied, "I'd been reading it for months. I actually miss reading it."
She was still too numb to really care. But she did wonder.
"What are you even still doing here? Why don't you hate me?"
His shrug was almost as dispassionate as how she felt at the moment. "It was your truth in the moment. Sure, I was mad at stuff, when you lied to my face."
"You get why I had to lie though? You would've flipped out."
He shook off the statement, didn't address it. "I just wanted the full story. You weren't going to give me that. Maybe in snippets, but I wanted the whole story."
Maybe it was best that this news was hitting her while she was too numb to care about it, about anything.
He noticed her lack of response, asked her what was wrong. She couldn't verbalize it...she just didn't feel anymore. There was no real reason to.
She was walking him out and they stopped in her alcove. She was hugging him and thinking that again, she didn't want to let go. She was done with the numbness and wanted to feel again. But that was pretty unfair to ask of him. But again, he seemed to know what she wanted.
The push and pull began. He kissed her on her forehead, the "most innocuous place" he could find on her apparently small face. When pushed he said that kissing her after his confession would be too something "out of a movie."
She gave him permission, and for what felt like the first time in a very long time, he kissed her. It didn't feel like something he actually wanted to do. It felt cheap.
It felt like something he was just doing, like an obligation. She'd never know if he'd ever wanted to really kiss her.
He only kissed her because he knew that she had wanted it...because he'd read all about it. For months.
Dusky had posted the other day that "Nude is when your clothes are off. Naked is when your clothes are off and you're up to something." He'd seen her both nude and naked. Her soul was just sitting out there in the cold while he continued to wear a heavy jacket. She would have taken feeling numb over this feeling.
She stopped it before it went too far. She felt even more like a warm body in this instance than in any of the previous ones. She said he knew how she felt about it, and he mentioned that his love language was also physical touch, which confused her. Was he trying to say sex would mean more to him in that moment? She wasn't about to go chasing that thought tonight. It was time for him to go home.
When he reassured her that everything was okay and he rubbed her shoulders was when she melted, her numbness finally fading. She hadn't been touched like that since...New Years. Her body had just been needing another human connection. Again, it had just been a hand hold that she needed, a squeeze.
The small shoulder rub almost brought her to tears.
Later she sat in front of her computer, pondering. What did it really matter anymore?
"Fuck it. It's back in it's original place. Happy Reading" She texted him.
"Why? The 'fuck it' wording sounds like resignation rather than consent."
She smirked. When did she give consent for him to read it the first time?
"Why can't it be both?" She asked.
So here it is. Welcome to Your Tape KSL.
She put the blog under lock and key and continued to add to it while giving pass codes to her select two readers, her good friends.
She continued to write, but her life got a little hectic. It went on. Work was getting into the busy season, and more was put on her plate than she was able to take. It didn't help that she was still in a rut, emotionally numb. She tried her best to feel anything at all, but she couldn't. She just couldn't bring herself to care, or even want to care.
Despondent seemed to be the right word for her feeling. So despondent was her feeling going into the evening with KSL. He was coming over to have a drink, she couldn't really get herself to care one way or another about it.
The evening was enjoyable enough, though he brought up the blog again. She said she was keeping up with it even though it was basically locked up.
"Can I tell you something?" KSL asked.
"You were the one that found it." She said numbly.
"Yeah," He replied, "I'd been reading it for months. I actually miss reading it."
She was still too numb to really care. But she did wonder.
"What are you even still doing here? Why don't you hate me?"
His shrug was almost as dispassionate as how she felt at the moment. "It was your truth in the moment. Sure, I was mad at stuff, when you lied to my face."
"You get why I had to lie though? You would've flipped out."
He shook off the statement, didn't address it. "I just wanted the full story. You weren't going to give me that. Maybe in snippets, but I wanted the whole story."
Maybe it was best that this news was hitting her while she was too numb to care about it, about anything.
He noticed her lack of response, asked her what was wrong. She couldn't verbalize it...she just didn't feel anymore. There was no real reason to.
She was walking him out and they stopped in her alcove. She was hugging him and thinking that again, she didn't want to let go. She was done with the numbness and wanted to feel again. But that was pretty unfair to ask of him. But again, he seemed to know what she wanted.
The push and pull began. He kissed her on her forehead, the "most innocuous place" he could find on her apparently small face. When pushed he said that kissing her after his confession would be too something "out of a movie."
She gave him permission, and for what felt like the first time in a very long time, he kissed her. It didn't feel like something he actually wanted to do. It felt cheap.
It felt like something he was just doing, like an obligation. She'd never know if he'd ever wanted to really kiss her.
He only kissed her because he knew that she had wanted it...because he'd read all about it. For months.
Dusky had posted the other day that "Nude is when your clothes are off. Naked is when your clothes are off and you're up to something." He'd seen her both nude and naked. Her soul was just sitting out there in the cold while he continued to wear a heavy jacket. She would have taken feeling numb over this feeling.
She stopped it before it went too far. She felt even more like a warm body in this instance than in any of the previous ones. She said he knew how she felt about it, and he mentioned that his love language was also physical touch, which confused her. Was he trying to say sex would mean more to him in that moment? She wasn't about to go chasing that thought tonight. It was time for him to go home.
When he reassured her that everything was okay and he rubbed her shoulders was when she melted, her numbness finally fading. She hadn't been touched like that since...New Years. Her body had just been needing another human connection. Again, it had just been a hand hold that she needed, a squeeze.
The small shoulder rub almost brought her to tears.
Later she sat in front of her computer, pondering. What did it really matter anymore?
"Fuck it. It's back in it's original place. Happy Reading" She texted him.
"Why? The 'fuck it' wording sounds like resignation rather than consent."
She smirked. When did she give consent for him to read it the first time?
"Why can't it be both?" She asked.
So here it is. Welcome to Your Tape KSL.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Daddy Issues
She was getting some Wanderlust and decided to head out of town once Namelsss had to cancel their date. She told him that she was going to drive up to capitol.
"Seems like a long way for coffee." Nameless said. This coming from the guy who had a job on the weekends a 4 hour car ride away.
Then she remembered MG giving her a hard time about her mini-road trips. Why was it that she liked getting out of town so much?
As she cruised down the freeway she thought about it. Most of her road trips had been with her family, but mostly with her father. They would go up to the ghost town and check out the old headstones, play road games.
Road trips were her way of connecting with people. There were people she didn't want to go on a road trip with ever...and there were also people that she wanted to in order to get closer to them, as a form of quality time.
They didn't always work...but she was always willing to go on another one.
"Seems like a long way for coffee." Nameless said. This coming from the guy who had a job on the weekends a 4 hour car ride away.
Then she remembered MG giving her a hard time about her mini-road trips. Why was it that she liked getting out of town so much?
As she cruised down the freeway she thought about it. Most of her road trips had been with her family, but mostly with her father. They would go up to the ghost town and check out the old headstones, play road games.
Road trips were her way of connecting with people. There were people she didn't want to go on a road trip with ever...and there were also people that she wanted to in order to get closer to them, as a form of quality time.
They didn't always work...but she was always willing to go on another one.
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Welcome to Your Tape-Side A
Her heart never really recovered from KSL sort of telling her she was hard to be around. Who knows what he actually meant by it, but the "evidence" of it started to pop up in her life.
MG was still cranky from quitting smoking and both she and Goldie ganged up on her one day saying her hormones were all out of wack, and if she could look back on the past few months she'd see a pattern in her moods. All this after they complained she wasn't talking enough. She said she was just thinking...she was in a malaise she couldn't really explain but was trying to figure out.
God forbid she be a little quiet. It was hard keeping up between the two chatting about BDSM while she was without anything to contribute. God forbid she get lost in her own thoughts while being actively left out.
She felt the depression deepen. She pulled away from her friends, dove into work. There was tons of work to dive into. When she did hang with her friends, she tried to insert positive statements occasionally enough to basically throw them off the trail. They left her alone.
An incident that she should have shrugged off bothered her more than it should. It seemed to illustrate how she shouldn't be around others anymore. The numbness began. The not caring. She still didn't understand why, but she no longer really cared.
She watched Goldie's dog for a week and viewed most of 13 Reasons Why. All those news stories about the show being trigging...she realized that they meant to the people who ignore suicide and not the people actually experiencing the suicidal thoughts.
"I can't talk about it for 24 hours. It's still too raw." Goldie said, stopping all conversation about 13 Reasons. She could understand Goldie being upset, as a good friend of hers had committed suicide earlier last year.
She thought back to how vindictive she felt when she had decided to commit suicide. As a teenager it was a more "you'll be sorry" than the actuality of breaking people's hearts by her being gone. Her mother would've been guilt-ridden, her father...when you are that far down in the darkness, you also think they'll be better off without you. It'll be easier.
Because it's hard to be your friend.
MG was still cranky from quitting smoking and both she and Goldie ganged up on her one day saying her hormones were all out of wack, and if she could look back on the past few months she'd see a pattern in her moods. All this after they complained she wasn't talking enough. She said she was just thinking...she was in a malaise she couldn't really explain but was trying to figure out.
God forbid she be a little quiet. It was hard keeping up between the two chatting about BDSM while she was without anything to contribute. God forbid she get lost in her own thoughts while being actively left out.
She felt the depression deepen. She pulled away from her friends, dove into work. There was tons of work to dive into. When she did hang with her friends, she tried to insert positive statements occasionally enough to basically throw them off the trail. They left her alone.
An incident that she should have shrugged off bothered her more than it should. It seemed to illustrate how she shouldn't be around others anymore. The numbness began. The not caring. She still didn't understand why, but she no longer really cared.
She watched Goldie's dog for a week and viewed most of 13 Reasons Why. All those news stories about the show being trigging...she realized that they meant to the people who ignore suicide and not the people actually experiencing the suicidal thoughts.
"I can't talk about it for 24 hours. It's still too raw." Goldie said, stopping all conversation about 13 Reasons. She could understand Goldie being upset, as a good friend of hers had committed suicide earlier last year.
She thought back to how vindictive she felt when she had decided to commit suicide. As a teenager it was a more "you'll be sorry" than the actuality of breaking people's hearts by her being gone. Her mother would've been guilt-ridden, her father...when you are that far down in the darkness, you also think they'll be better off without you. It'll be easier.
Because it's hard to be your friend.
Monday, April 24, 2017
A Hard Day's Night
Goldie picked her up after work and they went over to the hotel to set up the booth for the event on the weekend. Goldie had employed several volunteers to help them load stuff in; a couple that had been together for 14 years, and a young filmmaker she'd met in passing at a festival. She barely remembered him, but when Goldie asked if they had met he said yes a little too quickly.
The load in was brutal and tiring, but amongst the talk the filmmaker said that he would take the spare TV she had in her apartment. He had plans later that night however, so when they were saying goodbye outside of the car she told him to friend request her on Facebook and they'd make plans later for him to take it.
As soon as she got back in the car Goldie said "He's totally into you, but he's really young."
"Obviously, way too young to fuck with for sure. That's flattering though!"
It was the only confidence boost she'd had in awhile. She decided to take it.
The load in was brutal and tiring, but amongst the talk the filmmaker said that he would take the spare TV she had in her apartment. He had plans later that night however, so when they were saying goodbye outside of the car she told him to friend request her on Facebook and they'd make plans later for him to take it.
As soon as she got back in the car Goldie said "He's totally into you, but he's really young."
"Obviously, way too young to fuck with for sure. That's flattering though!"
It was the only confidence boost she'd had in awhile. She decided to take it.
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Another Night, Another Dream
"The non-dates are weird. But I'm sort of okay with it." She explained to Goldie.
"Respectable guys that are looking for a relationship will wait until the 4th date. He'll kiss you on the next date. You just have to go in for that hug where you stay in the hug but pull your face back to look at him. He'll go for it." She had no idea where Goldie picked these things up. She was about to remind her that the Disney Friends With Benefits thing didn't exist, then she remembered her first kiss on the cheek from KSL that she over thought about. That was pretty much exactly how that kiss had gone down, so maybe she was onto something.
"And how is everything with KSL going?" Goldie asked. "It's great," she explained. "We are just being friends ever since New Years, and it's been great. He's there for me, he's a great friend. We are doing really well."
As if his ears were burning, his text tone came through her phone. They had made plans for hanging out later that night and he was on his way over. She said goodbye to Goldie and headed downstairs to her studio.
They spent the evening watching videos on YouTube on his phone, talking and joking like old times. She again asked him if it really was okay if he took care of her during her surgery. He again said it wasn't a problem, he was happy to do it.
She told him about the fight she and MG had about her and KSL's friendship. "She really wants to think that you are being mean and abusive, and I keep telling her that you and are good, we are in a really good place."
"We are," KSL said. "I've been trying really hard to keep it good like this."
Her heart twisted slightly. "You've been...trying? It's been hard?"
He was silent, realizing his mistake. "I...those were the wrong words."
"Uh-huh."
Her head swam. Was he "trying" to keep it platonic when he actually wanted to just ditch the friendship and had sex with her? Was he trying to keep it friendly instead of romantic? What was hard about it?
His ego never really recovered from it, and soon after he stood up to leave. She stood up with him to walk him out, saying "can't make it harder for you than it already is right?" He shook his head and pulled her in for a long hug. It was warm, nice. "Okay?" He said after he pulled away.
"What, you think a long hug will make me forget everything?" She smirked. He reached out and booped her nose, and she grabbed him and they wrestled for a short time before he threw her on the bed and made a break for the front door. She chased after him and smacked him on the ass, stopping him cold. He turned around and stated the obvious. She smirked and then booped him on the nose.
He faked being offended as long as he could before a smile broke out on his face. She let her face fall a little and asked him softly "Is it hard to be my friend?"
He frowned and said "No, not at all." and pulled her in for another hug. He pulled away just enough to swoop down and give her a kiss on the forehead.
"Hey now..." she said to him. He pulled out of the hug and walked to the elevator, promising to say when he was home safe.
"Home" came the simple text reply. She said "Thank you. Tonight was good, we should do it again soon. Want to split those vitamins I'm going to pick up Saturday?"
"I'd be down."
She sent him a thumbs up, assuming the end of the conversation. Three minutes later he texted again.
"Night"
"Goodnight" she responded.
"Respectable guys that are looking for a relationship will wait until the 4th date. He'll kiss you on the next date. You just have to go in for that hug where you stay in the hug but pull your face back to look at him. He'll go for it." She had no idea where Goldie picked these things up. She was about to remind her that the Disney Friends With Benefits thing didn't exist, then she remembered her first kiss on the cheek from KSL that she over thought about. That was pretty much exactly how that kiss had gone down, so maybe she was onto something.
"And how is everything with KSL going?" Goldie asked. "It's great," she explained. "We are just being friends ever since New Years, and it's been great. He's there for me, he's a great friend. We are doing really well."
As if his ears were burning, his text tone came through her phone. They had made plans for hanging out later that night and he was on his way over. She said goodbye to Goldie and headed downstairs to her studio.
They spent the evening watching videos on YouTube on his phone, talking and joking like old times. She again asked him if it really was okay if he took care of her during her surgery. He again said it wasn't a problem, he was happy to do it.
She told him about the fight she and MG had about her and KSL's friendship. "She really wants to think that you are being mean and abusive, and I keep telling her that you and are good, we are in a really good place."
"We are," KSL said. "I've been trying really hard to keep it good like this."
Her heart twisted slightly. "You've been...trying? It's been hard?"
He was silent, realizing his mistake. "I...those were the wrong words."
"Uh-huh."
Her head swam. Was he "trying" to keep it platonic when he actually wanted to just ditch the friendship and had sex with her? Was he trying to keep it friendly instead of romantic? What was hard about it?
His ego never really recovered from it, and soon after he stood up to leave. She stood up with him to walk him out, saying "can't make it harder for you than it already is right?" He shook his head and pulled her in for a long hug. It was warm, nice. "Okay?" He said after he pulled away.
"What, you think a long hug will make me forget everything?" She smirked. He reached out and booped her nose, and she grabbed him and they wrestled for a short time before he threw her on the bed and made a break for the front door. She chased after him and smacked him on the ass, stopping him cold. He turned around and stated the obvious. She smirked and then booped him on the nose.
He faked being offended as long as he could before a smile broke out on his face. She let her face fall a little and asked him softly "Is it hard to be my friend?"
He frowned and said "No, not at all." and pulled her in for another hug. He pulled away just enough to swoop down and give her a kiss on the forehead.
"Hey now..." she said to him. He pulled out of the hug and walked to the elevator, promising to say when he was home safe.
"Home" came the simple text reply. She said "Thank you. Tonight was good, we should do it again soon. Want to split those vitamins I'm going to pick up Saturday?"
"I'd be down."
She sent him a thumbs up, assuming the end of the conversation. Three minutes later he texted again.
"Night"
"Goodnight" she responded.
Open Letter to Piz
Dear Piz,
It's been almost 2 months since you said you'd be back in town and would give me a call so we could go out for a drink. I don't really expect you to contact me again, but there are still things I feel I need to say.
I've forgotten how you feel. I sleep on the pillow I put on my bed for you, but it no longer reminds me of sleeping on your chest. I don't remember exactly where all your tattoos were on your body.
I've forgotten how you feel. It breaks my heart to know that I won't hear from you. I'm embarrassed that I still think of you when I've become so accustomed to not having you around anymore. I wonder if I ever see you again if I'll find you differently. Maybe your goofy grin will look awkward instead of endearing. Maybe I'll look in your eyes and instead of caring, I'll finally see indifference.
I understand why you wanted to end things. I get that you needed to concentrate on your studies and your move and training. I get that you felt guilty for trying to get more out of me after we broke up then you should have. It was not fair to me for you to freak out and leave.
You know you were being a coward but letting me wait for two weeks until I made the first move. Then you apologized and never texted me back. Don't bring up that we could be friends when you have no interest in it.
You said that what we had was more than you using me as a warm body, but what else am I to believe at this point? You seem to be doing just fine ignoring me. You still don't go a full week without checking into the dating app. You unintentionally hurt me at every turn, because you lied. You said I wasn't just a warm body. I remember clearly lying in bed with you, you looking deep into my eyes and saying "You know that isn't what this is, right? This isn't just a fling for me."
But it was. It was worse, it was a rebound. I became the thing that I didn't want to be. To date I've only been someone's rebound girl. That became a trend because of you. And I know you didn't mean it. I know that you ended up caring too much which is why it ended the way it did. But that also just wasn't fair to me.
You said that when you moved back we could maybe start over. I wish you would have never said that, because my subconscious keeps thinking about that. Holding onto that possibility. Making plans. Like an idiot, because you are never going to call me back. Because you are a coward.
And I don't want to date a coward. So I'm writing this to you to release you from my heart. Because I don't even remember how you feel. But I remember how I feel, everyday. And it's not fair to me.
It's been almost 2 months since you said you'd be back in town and would give me a call so we could go out for a drink. I don't really expect you to contact me again, but there are still things I feel I need to say.
I've forgotten how you feel. I sleep on the pillow I put on my bed for you, but it no longer reminds me of sleeping on your chest. I don't remember exactly where all your tattoos were on your body.
I've forgotten how you feel. It breaks my heart to know that I won't hear from you. I'm embarrassed that I still think of you when I've become so accustomed to not having you around anymore. I wonder if I ever see you again if I'll find you differently. Maybe your goofy grin will look awkward instead of endearing. Maybe I'll look in your eyes and instead of caring, I'll finally see indifference.
I understand why you wanted to end things. I get that you needed to concentrate on your studies and your move and training. I get that you felt guilty for trying to get more out of me after we broke up then you should have. It was not fair to me for you to freak out and leave.
You know you were being a coward but letting me wait for two weeks until I made the first move. Then you apologized and never texted me back. Don't bring up that we could be friends when you have no interest in it.
You said that what we had was more than you using me as a warm body, but what else am I to believe at this point? You seem to be doing just fine ignoring me. You still don't go a full week without checking into the dating app. You unintentionally hurt me at every turn, because you lied. You said I wasn't just a warm body. I remember clearly lying in bed with you, you looking deep into my eyes and saying "You know that isn't what this is, right? This isn't just a fling for me."
But it was. It was worse, it was a rebound. I became the thing that I didn't want to be. To date I've only been someone's rebound girl. That became a trend because of you. And I know you didn't mean it. I know that you ended up caring too much which is why it ended the way it did. But that also just wasn't fair to me.
You said that when you moved back we could maybe start over. I wish you would have never said that, because my subconscious keeps thinking about that. Holding onto that possibility. Making plans. Like an idiot, because you are never going to call me back. Because you are a coward.
And I don't want to date a coward. So I'm writing this to you to release you from my heart. Because I don't even remember how you feel. But I remember how I feel, everyday. And it's not fair to me.
Monday, April 17, 2017
Death and...
The ex had convinced her that filing their taxes together one last time would be beneficial. He even offered to do it. She thought, why not? He was offering, seeming to make amends. She should give him a chance.
That was in February.
For the rest of that month she assumed he had done it, but hadn't heard how much they were getting back. She suddenly realized at the beginning of April she hadn't gotten back to him. She asked how the taxes were coming. He said he would have them finished by Tuesday. On Thursday she asked again how they had gone. He said he got called into work and he would finish them that night.
Again, she trusted him to do it.
The following Monday her heart had sunk, she hadn't heard from him. She asked him if she needed to take over, her friend had offered to help. He replied "I may take you up on that. I keep having to work OT. I will try to see if I can finish them up tonight, but if not I will prep them and you can grab them tomorrow."
She grabbed them the next afternoon. He had called her and admitted that he tried getting all the tax stuff together the night before for the first time, and he found all his stuff...but none of hers. He'd managed to lose her one W2 to his four W2s.
"So, why did you just trust the ex to do the things?" KSL asked her.
"Because even after 13 years I want to believe people can change and be better, because apparently I love getting my heart trampled on." was her reply.
"What are you going to do?" KSL asked.
"Learn to never trust or love. And also get a copy of the stuff he lost and do the taxes with my friend The Accountant."
"Well the latter seems to be preferable to the former." KSL replied.
"I can't do both? Oh well, if the president can get away with tax evasion so can I" she snarked.
"I mean, you can, but it won't be fun. Any of it. I think that's an oversimplification."
She panic texted her ex-office manager who kindly emailed her another copy of her W2. She took the giant folder of paper to her friend's house. The Accountant asked her as she was on her way over what her AGI was for last year, as it would be needed to file electronically. That would mean logging into an old account from filing last year.
She remembered last year in the green tinted building, the awkward conversation with the man as she pretended to still be happily married to avoid it being awkward.
She pretended again this year to the help desk on the phone because the security question answer didn't work to log in. Her ex had put it all in his name of course, and he was currently at work and his texts were spotty.
After 2 hours of being hung up on by customer service, she turned to The Accountant with tears in her eyes and said "We just need to file the old fashion way. I'm sorry."
The Accountant was so calm and understanding, and after only 15 minutes it was done, printed out, and she was in the car on the way back to her mother's house to drop off the paperwork to be signed. She was relived that they were getting enough back to afford a divorce. She had it set up to go directly to her bank account.
She was murderous that he had dropped her with all this, yet again. Yet again she was left holding the bag and taking care of business. Like she always would.
After she dropped off the paperwork she shot him a text. "I put them by your place at the table. Please sign them and put them into an envelope but don't seal it because I haven't signed yet. I'll pick it up in the morning."
His reply "OK. What was the damage?" She was driving home and didn't answer.
"Less than $1,000?"
She was still driving.
"Well, I will see it soon enough. I will talk to you tomorrow. Happy Easter."
Her already upset demeanor became rage. What did he care either way about what the return was? And wishing her a Happy Easter? They had spent 13 years of marriage together, and he was living with her clearly Jewish mother. She had never celebrated Easter, and neither had he. Was he being passive aggressive? That wasn't like him. Either way she was pissed off.
She parked in her parking spot, took a deep breath, and answered his messages. "Around $2000. Sorry, driving home."
"Jesus!!" He answered. She ignored his text.
The next afternoon, long after she said she would be around to pick up the paperwork, he texted again.
"Oh thank god, that was a refund. I have been fretting all night how I was going to pay that."
If it was possible to make her more angry, this did. He wouldn't have even remotely worried about it. He would leave her holding the finance bag as he always did.
He was downright happy-go-lucky when she came by to pick up the paperwork. She was so mad she spoke to him in clipped sentences, saying she had milk in the car and had to get it home to a fridge.
She'd bought the milk right before heading over so she'd have an excuse to leave. She taped the huge envelope down, and walked to the post office the next morning and had it stamped, one day before the deadline.
It might takes months to see that money.
That was in February.
For the rest of that month she assumed he had done it, but hadn't heard how much they were getting back. She suddenly realized at the beginning of April she hadn't gotten back to him. She asked how the taxes were coming. He said he would have them finished by Tuesday. On Thursday she asked again how they had gone. He said he got called into work and he would finish them that night.
Again, she trusted him to do it.
The following Monday her heart had sunk, she hadn't heard from him. She asked him if she needed to take over, her friend had offered to help. He replied "I may take you up on that. I keep having to work OT. I will try to see if I can finish them up tonight, but if not I will prep them and you can grab them tomorrow."
She grabbed them the next afternoon. He had called her and admitted that he tried getting all the tax stuff together the night before for the first time, and he found all his stuff...but none of hers. He'd managed to lose her one W2 to his four W2s.
"So, why did you just trust the ex to do the things?" KSL asked her.
"Because even after 13 years I want to believe people can change and be better, because apparently I love getting my heart trampled on." was her reply.
"What are you going to do?" KSL asked.
"Learn to never trust or love. And also get a copy of the stuff he lost and do the taxes with my friend The Accountant."
"Well the latter seems to be preferable to the former." KSL replied.
"I can't do both? Oh well, if the president can get away with tax evasion so can I" she snarked.
"I mean, you can, but it won't be fun. Any of it. I think that's an oversimplification."
She panic texted her ex-office manager who kindly emailed her another copy of her W2. She took the giant folder of paper to her friend's house. The Accountant asked her as she was on her way over what her AGI was for last year, as it would be needed to file electronically. That would mean logging into an old account from filing last year.
She remembered last year in the green tinted building, the awkward conversation with the man as she pretended to still be happily married to avoid it being awkward.
She pretended again this year to the help desk on the phone because the security question answer didn't work to log in. Her ex had put it all in his name of course, and he was currently at work and his texts were spotty.
After 2 hours of being hung up on by customer service, she turned to The Accountant with tears in her eyes and said "We just need to file the old fashion way. I'm sorry."
The Accountant was so calm and understanding, and after only 15 minutes it was done, printed out, and she was in the car on the way back to her mother's house to drop off the paperwork to be signed. She was relived that they were getting enough back to afford a divorce. She had it set up to go directly to her bank account.
She was murderous that he had dropped her with all this, yet again. Yet again she was left holding the bag and taking care of business. Like she always would.
After she dropped off the paperwork she shot him a text. "I put them by your place at the table. Please sign them and put them into an envelope but don't seal it because I haven't signed yet. I'll pick it up in the morning."
His reply "OK. What was the damage?" She was driving home and didn't answer.
"Less than $1,000?"
She was still driving.
"Well, I will see it soon enough. I will talk to you tomorrow. Happy Easter."
Her already upset demeanor became rage. What did he care either way about what the return was? And wishing her a Happy Easter? They had spent 13 years of marriage together, and he was living with her clearly Jewish mother. She had never celebrated Easter, and neither had he. Was he being passive aggressive? That wasn't like him. Either way she was pissed off.
She parked in her parking spot, took a deep breath, and answered his messages. "Around $2000. Sorry, driving home."
"Jesus!!" He answered. She ignored his text.
The next afternoon, long after she said she would be around to pick up the paperwork, he texted again.
"Oh thank god, that was a refund. I have been fretting all night how I was going to pay that."
If it was possible to make her more angry, this did. He wouldn't have even remotely worried about it. He would leave her holding the finance bag as he always did.
He was downright happy-go-lucky when she came by to pick up the paperwork. She was so mad she spoke to him in clipped sentences, saying she had milk in the car and had to get it home to a fridge.
She'd bought the milk right before heading over so she'd have an excuse to leave. She taped the huge envelope down, and walked to the post office the next morning and had it stamped, one day before the deadline.
It might takes months to see that money.
Thursday, April 13, 2017
The Imaginary Boyfriend
She was waiting to jaywalk across the alleyway when a car flew past her driving a little too fast for the enclosed space. It appeared to be a dusty 90's Subaru hatchback with a dark-haired guy driving.
She always wondered what it would be like to be with a guy who didn't care about his car, maybe even be proud that he drove a beater. He would name it and show empathy when it broke down rather than anger.
Her ex always said that it was silly that she anthropomorphized objects like cars. Then he even started to do it a little himself.
She suddenly found herself imagining that guy in the car did it all by himself. The car was a "she" and he gave her some old timey name like "Bessie" and when asked would say something like "She just felt like a Bessie."
He was the type of guy who would find a nickname for you that you sort of hated to start, but after awhile hearing your real name on your lips felt strange. You would know if he ever used your real name it would mean he was serious about something.
He was the kind of guy who would laugh at your lame dad jokes, then look into your eyes and push your hair behind your ear before leaning in for a kiss.
She had just built up a Manic Pixie Dream Boy from a passing car. She must be really lonely.
She always wondered what it would be like to be with a guy who didn't care about his car, maybe even be proud that he drove a beater. He would name it and show empathy when it broke down rather than anger.
Her ex always said that it was silly that she anthropomorphized objects like cars. Then he even started to do it a little himself.
She suddenly found herself imagining that guy in the car did it all by himself. The car was a "she" and he gave her some old timey name like "Bessie" and when asked would say something like "She just felt like a Bessie."
He was the type of guy who would find a nickname for you that you sort of hated to start, but after awhile hearing your real name on your lips felt strange. You would know if he ever used your real name it would mean he was serious about something.
He was the kind of guy who would laugh at your lame dad jokes, then look into your eyes and push your hair behind your ear before leaning in for a kiss.
She had just built up a Manic Pixie Dream Boy from a passing car. She must be really lonely.
Saturday, April 8, 2017
Third Dates...or are they?
Nameless had come out of the woodwork once more for...an outing. He had to reschedule twice due to his busy science schedule. She got a little irritated when it conflicted with other things she wanted to do, but they managed to work something out.
She named a bar close to her first plans that ended around 10PM. She ran through the rain into the louder-than-normal bar. There was some sort of awful jug band playing. Nameless shot her a look that clearly said "What the hell are we doing here?" She raised her eyebrow back and yelled "Let's just go to a different bar."
He had a tab open and another two drinks coming. He offered her one and she took it and downed it. He laughed, downed his, and they took her car to the next location. They remained there until 2AM talking and laughing and getting to know each other better.
He brought up the dog from before, chided her about it and she laughed and punched him lightly on the arm. They talked about their scars, and he took her fingers and placed them on his hand so she could feel the steel plate just below his knuckles.
They talked about social and romantic dynamics, and she brought up MG and Banana as an example of how different types interact. Banana just let the guys come to her, and they frequently did. MG took a harder approach, playing hardball flirting. After showing him their photos, Nameless declared that Banana got more dudes because she seemed more approachable, easier. MG looked "like a frigid bitch."
"And depending on the night, I might want to take home any of you." Nameless stated. "With guys it's all about what they happen to be in the mood for."
They talked about gender roles and how they have been so redefined that it's impossible to know when someone is actually interested. His view was that if someone was interested they would want to go out again, they would make a move, regardless of gender. She wondered if that was a way of telling her to make a move on him. But even after three dates, she was still so uncertain about him. He pushed her buttons in a fun-loving way, but she didn't feel a strong attraction to him yet.
Nor he her, because when she dropped him off at his car, he popped out of the car quicker than she could even attempt to go in for a hug. He then hovered by the outside door in the light rain and said they'd have to do it again sometime. "Text me." He said.
"You text me, you are the super busy one!" She said indignantly.
"You can still text me...about whatever you want."
She smirked and said "Fine. I'll text you."
She named a bar close to her first plans that ended around 10PM. She ran through the rain into the louder-than-normal bar. There was some sort of awful jug band playing. Nameless shot her a look that clearly said "What the hell are we doing here?" She raised her eyebrow back and yelled "Let's just go to a different bar."
He had a tab open and another two drinks coming. He offered her one and she took it and downed it. He laughed, downed his, and they took her car to the next location. They remained there until 2AM talking and laughing and getting to know each other better.
He brought up the dog from before, chided her about it and she laughed and punched him lightly on the arm. They talked about their scars, and he took her fingers and placed them on his hand so she could feel the steel plate just below his knuckles.
They talked about social and romantic dynamics, and she brought up MG and Banana as an example of how different types interact. Banana just let the guys come to her, and they frequently did. MG took a harder approach, playing hardball flirting. After showing him their photos, Nameless declared that Banana got more dudes because she seemed more approachable, easier. MG looked "like a frigid bitch."
"And depending on the night, I might want to take home any of you." Nameless stated. "With guys it's all about what they happen to be in the mood for."
They talked about gender roles and how they have been so redefined that it's impossible to know when someone is actually interested. His view was that if someone was interested they would want to go out again, they would make a move, regardless of gender. She wondered if that was a way of telling her to make a move on him. But even after three dates, she was still so uncertain about him. He pushed her buttons in a fun-loving way, but she didn't feel a strong attraction to him yet.
Nor he her, because when she dropped him off at his car, he popped out of the car quicker than she could even attempt to go in for a hug. He then hovered by the outside door in the light rain and said they'd have to do it again sometime. "Text me." He said.
"You text me, you are the super busy one!" She said indignantly.
"You can still text me...about whatever you want."
She smirked and said "Fine. I'll text you."
Friday, April 7, 2017
Butt Hurt
"You were not being a cunt at all. Stop listen to MG, she's still a shit show." KSL said. They had just come from listening to a local musician she had a crush on and had conceded when he seemed to be more interested in Banana.
He had come to return the CDs he'd borrowed and they ended up staying longer than anticipated when MG showed up after she had texted MG that she was leaving.
"Is something wrong? Are we okay?" MG had asked.
She wanted to answer no, she didn't want to spend every waking minute with her when she was quitting smoking and being angry and mean.
They made an excuse for him to come up, and he had a vodka coke because he was on a diet.
"You know your diet is doing nothing until you get your thyroid checked and get on medication right? You have health insurance, you are the 1%, go to the doctor."
He sighed and said "I don't know how to do all that adulting stuff. I don't even have a doctor. How do you get one?"
She looked him dead in the eye and said "What is the name of your insurance?"
He sensed that she would go all the way with this and look it up if he answered her, so he said "Okay, okay, I'm sure there is a list at work or something. I'll do it."
He changed the subject to the night of her birthday and how out of hand the drinking had gotten. "I bruised myself trying to boop your nose!" She exclaimed.
"Hey, you bruised me trying to boop my nose!"
"You should just let Drunk Penny do what she wants, she's stubborn."
"That's the sort of thing rapists say."
"Please, booping a nose is not rape. Besides I'm not having sex with you again."
His face fell slightly, but he recovered quickly to say "Okay, that's fair. I understand that. You are trying to keep the friendship we have right now going on it's trajectory, which is healthy. Besides we agreed on New Years to not do it again."
"No, you agreed. And although all those things are true, that's not why I'm not having sex with you again."
"Oh. Then why? You don't find me attractive anymore? Since I shaved my head?"
She rolled her eyes at him and said "No, because you are the type of person who avoids doctors and STD tests, and you had sex with your ex unprotected. And even though I'd never have unprotected sex with anyone including you, I don't trust her. You could be running around with god knows what--"
He interrupted her, "Okay okay I'll go to a doctor. Shit."
He was quiet, and she looked over at him. He was staring out the window at the city, pensive.
"What are you thinking?" She asked him when he didn't turn to meet her gaze into his eyes. He snapped back into focus and said "sorry, just got lost thinking about...everything that needs to be done for the wake and stuff."
He told her where he was planning on spreading his friends ashes at their old community college. He talked for awhile and she let him. She was pensive herself, thinking about how she gave 110% to people and didn't get anything back. "You need to stop giving so much of yourself" he had told her earlier. She didn't know how to do that. It was being disingenuous to herself. She could either keep being herself or retreat and not be friends with anyone anymore.
"For as bitter and cynical as you pretend to be, you still want to see the best in people, still want to see their potential." He said to her. A friend had said something similar to her years ago.
"I keep going back to that convo that PJ and I had about seeing potential in people that others don't see."
"I'm curious then, what potential do you now see in me, a year later?" KSL knew he was playing with fire, but asked her anyway.
She took a deep breath, and decided to answer honestly. Give him the closure that he hadn't given her.
"You still have that potential I saw a year ago. You have changed, and for the better. I've asked things of you, deal-breaking things for me. As far as I know, you've continued to be honest with me when I asked you not to lie again. You really have improved. You just need to be able to accept love and see your own potential."
She cleared her throat as it was starting to hurt again, and he noticed and said "So, the tonsillectomy. When is that again?"
"May 8th....I'll just have my mom pick me up though, it's okay. I'll deal with her."
"Hey, I made a promise, I said I was going to help you and I am."
"It just seems too intimate of a thing to ask you. I don't feel right about it." She felt her face getting hot.
"Penny, you've had my dick in your mouth. We've been intimate." She blushed, then winced at his statement, but also nodded.
"It just seems like a relationship thing to do, like picking someone up from the airport--"
Again he interrupted "I pick up lots of people from the airport."
She sighed, then looked at him. He starred back at her, and she was reminded of this time last year when they were getting "lost in each other's eyes" and being intense. Only this time instead of going in for a kiss, her eyes narrowed.
"Are you sure this won't be too big of an imposition? You can say yes, it's okay."
He still wanted to do it.
While talking he took off his newsboy cap and put it on her head. "For your 'hat stealing photo' collection." She smiled at him, snapped a photo, and gave it back. Later she posted it on social media and he was one of the first to like it. He really seemed to be making strides in being okay with people knowing they are friends.
Between taking care of her and finally going for an STD/HIV test, she wasn't sure what level of "friendship" they'd reached. For a fleeting moment she thought he had taken the romantic comedy pact to heart. She guessed only time would tell his true intentions.
He had come to return the CDs he'd borrowed and they ended up staying longer than anticipated when MG showed up after she had texted MG that she was leaving.
"Is something wrong? Are we okay?" MG had asked.
She wanted to answer no, she didn't want to spend every waking minute with her when she was quitting smoking and being angry and mean.
They made an excuse for him to come up, and he had a vodka coke because he was on a diet.
"You know your diet is doing nothing until you get your thyroid checked and get on medication right? You have health insurance, you are the 1%, go to the doctor."
He sighed and said "I don't know how to do all that adulting stuff. I don't even have a doctor. How do you get one?"
She looked him dead in the eye and said "What is the name of your insurance?"
He sensed that she would go all the way with this and look it up if he answered her, so he said "Okay, okay, I'm sure there is a list at work or something. I'll do it."
He changed the subject to the night of her birthday and how out of hand the drinking had gotten. "I bruised myself trying to boop your nose!" She exclaimed.
"Hey, you bruised me trying to boop my nose!"
"You should just let Drunk Penny do what she wants, she's stubborn."
"That's the sort of thing rapists say."
"Please, booping a nose is not rape. Besides I'm not having sex with you again."
His face fell slightly, but he recovered quickly to say "Okay, that's fair. I understand that. You are trying to keep the friendship we have right now going on it's trajectory, which is healthy. Besides we agreed on New Years to not do it again."
"No, you agreed. And although all those things are true, that's not why I'm not having sex with you again."
"Oh. Then why? You don't find me attractive anymore? Since I shaved my head?"
She rolled her eyes at him and said "No, because you are the type of person who avoids doctors and STD tests, and you had sex with your ex unprotected. And even though I'd never have unprotected sex with anyone including you, I don't trust her. You could be running around with god knows what--"
He interrupted her, "Okay okay I'll go to a doctor. Shit."
He was quiet, and she looked over at him. He was staring out the window at the city, pensive.
"What are you thinking?" She asked him when he didn't turn to meet her gaze into his eyes. He snapped back into focus and said "sorry, just got lost thinking about...everything that needs to be done for the wake and stuff."
He told her where he was planning on spreading his friends ashes at their old community college. He talked for awhile and she let him. She was pensive herself, thinking about how she gave 110% to people and didn't get anything back. "You need to stop giving so much of yourself" he had told her earlier. She didn't know how to do that. It was being disingenuous to herself. She could either keep being herself or retreat and not be friends with anyone anymore.
"For as bitter and cynical as you pretend to be, you still want to see the best in people, still want to see their potential." He said to her. A friend had said something similar to her years ago.
"I keep going back to that convo that PJ and I had about seeing potential in people that others don't see."
"I'm curious then, what potential do you now see in me, a year later?" KSL knew he was playing with fire, but asked her anyway.
She took a deep breath, and decided to answer honestly. Give him the closure that he hadn't given her.
"You still have that potential I saw a year ago. You have changed, and for the better. I've asked things of you, deal-breaking things for me. As far as I know, you've continued to be honest with me when I asked you not to lie again. You really have improved. You just need to be able to accept love and see your own potential."
She cleared her throat as it was starting to hurt again, and he noticed and said "So, the tonsillectomy. When is that again?"
"May 8th....I'll just have my mom pick me up though, it's okay. I'll deal with her."
"Hey, I made a promise, I said I was going to help you and I am."
"It just seems too intimate of a thing to ask you. I don't feel right about it." She felt her face getting hot.
"Penny, you've had my dick in your mouth. We've been intimate." She blushed, then winced at his statement, but also nodded.
"It just seems like a relationship thing to do, like picking someone up from the airport--"
Again he interrupted "I pick up lots of people from the airport."
She sighed, then looked at him. He starred back at her, and she was reminded of this time last year when they were getting "lost in each other's eyes" and being intense. Only this time instead of going in for a kiss, her eyes narrowed.
"Are you sure this won't be too big of an imposition? You can say yes, it's okay."
He still wanted to do it.
While talking he took off his newsboy cap and put it on her head. "For your 'hat stealing photo' collection." She smiled at him, snapped a photo, and gave it back. Later she posted it on social media and he was one of the first to like it. He really seemed to be making strides in being okay with people knowing they are friends.
Between taking care of her and finally going for an STD/HIV test, she wasn't sure what level of "friendship" they'd reached. For a fleeting moment she thought he had taken the romantic comedy pact to heart. She guessed only time would tell his true intentions.
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
Woke
"I want to. I'm just unsure of my abilities." KSL had been deemed the one to be the host of his friend's wake.
"Yeah. Alcohol will help."
"Yeah"
She asked when it would be, and he didn't answer her until the next day. She had work that Sunday, but said she would ask if she could be late.
She went to work and asked, and they were very nice about telling her that she could be late.
"Uhm, I don't even know if you would be on the guest list. You didn't know him."
Her face went red with embarrassment. She didn't know how a wake worked, she assumed it was whomever wanted to show up. If it was invite only, of course she didn't expect to be on the guest list. Why did he let it go on this long without telling her that?
"Well I don't really know what it is. I'm not the organizer. But I've been told to limit the invitees to those that knew or worked with him in some capacity. I wasn't trying to be rude. Just giving you a head's up."
"I'm sorry, I feel like a dick or something. Your support is super appreciated."
"You didn't overstep. I appreciate your concern and support. Please don't be mad."
"You can do it. And you can do it well. It's a wake not a funeral."
"Yeah. Alcohol will help."
"However it shakes out, he would've loved it. And in the end that's what matters. And if you want to get totally trashed I'll be your DD."
"Yeah"
She asked when it would be, and he didn't answer her until the next day. She had work that Sunday, but said she would ask if she could be late.
She went to work and asked, and they were very nice about telling her that she could be late.
"They said I could show up at 5 so I'm good."
"Uhm, I don't even know if you would be on the guest list. You didn't know him."
Her face went red with embarrassment. She didn't know how a wake worked, she assumed it was whomever wanted to show up. If it was invite only, of course she didn't expect to be on the guest list. Why did he let it go on this long without telling her that?
"I thought it was an open thing and I was coming to support you and drive you home. If I'm not invited then I guess never mind."
"Well I don't really know what it is. I'm not the organizer. But I've been told to limit the invitees to those that knew or worked with him in some capacity. I wasn't trying to be rude. Just giving you a head's up."
"I know, my mistake. I'll tell work never mind."
"I'm sorry, I feel like a dick or something. Your support is super appreciated."
"Don't feel like a dick, I misunderstood. You're not wrong, I didn't know him and if it's an invite only thing I don't expect to be invited. I was just trying to be there for you and clearly overstepped."
"You didn't overstep. I appreciate your concern and support. Please don't be mad."
"I'm not mad dude. A little embarrassed but not mad."
The truth was she was beyond embarrassed. She was mortified she had made that mistake. After this and the Pilot standing her up, she was beginning to feel like she just left her heart out to be stepped on every time she put herself out there.
And she wasn't sure how to fix it.
When she told MG about it, she wasn't nice. "You were a pretty big cunt about it. You and KSL are basically just in a toxic relationship. You are a shit show, you are what I was a couple of years ago. You need to just not speak to him for 3 months to get him out of your system."
MG was quitting smoking so she tried to take it with a grain of salt, but it was really difficult. She felt even more stepped on and exposed than before.
When she told MG about it, she wasn't nice. "You were a pretty big cunt about it. You and KSL are basically just in a toxic relationship. You are a shit show, you are what I was a couple of years ago. You need to just not speak to him for 3 months to get him out of your system."
MG was quitting smoking so she tried to take it with a grain of salt, but it was really difficult. She felt even more stepped on and exposed than before.
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
Birthday Eve Disasters
She had to work the night before her birthday, but would get out around 8:00 PM. She had plans to meet up with KSL for their signature portable beverage...just like last year.
But this year, she didn't want a kiss. She wanted answers. She wanted a why. It had all happened and she had accepted it...but she still didn't know why he really kissed her that night. No one just kisses someone because it seemed like they needed it.
Did they?
Work was the most difficult that it had been. Her new job was normally a dream, but the company they were working for was doing things the wrong way and causing a ruckus. She had been left alone and tried to do her best. She knew that she'd be forgiven, but it was still a new job and she wanted to be able to show them she could handle anything that came her way.
She left work agitated, but trying to calm down. Her phone rang, it was KSL. He immediately sensed how upset she was and attempted to calm her down.
"Hey, you're out now, you are okay. I'm on my way, give me 10 minutes. We'll get a drink, it'll be fine."
She told him about the night as they walked over to grab their drinks. She raged through the first half of her drink, and then he spilled about his trip to see his dying friend, who sadly passed before he could get there. On the way he had an awkward road trip with people he didn't really care for anymore. They played a road game where they added up all their sexual partners. He said that he was embarrassed to say that he had 56.
"You were the last one though." He said to her.
"No I wasn't."
He looked at her, puzzled.
"There was that one girl that I don't like to talk about because it was basically the end of our friendship, and then there was Banana. So, you are at 58 pal."
"Shit!" He was clearly a little distraught over his number. She wondered how many others he had "forgotten" in-between.
She didn't have time to wallow in this news, because he grabbed for her drink. "Looks like you had a friend hiding in your ice"
There was a fly floating in her drink. Her already bad night took a turn for the worst.
"You should go back up to the bar and show them. They owe you a new drink." KSL said sensibly.
Her face crumbled and her heart sank. "I don't want to" she pouted.
"You want me to do it?" He said gently. She nodded, and he stood up and took her drink. It took him a few minutes, and as soon as he got back she was ready to break the drunk seal.
She headed up to the seedy bathroom of the bar, which was normally pretty messy but passable. Tonight, of all nights however, it was in the worst condition she'd ever seen any other bathroom in her life. Shit was all but painted on the walls. The hooker hanging out by the sinks noted her reaction and countered "Girl, I know...it's the worse I've seen it too."
She shot out the door and down the stairs to their table and picked up her fresh drink and rounded the other side, near shouting "We're leaving!"
KSL was shocked. She again stated that they were leaving, they were going back to her place where she could pee in a place that wasn't already covered in fecal matter.
"You are walking awful fast..." KSL said to her as she motored out of the bar, nearly knocking over a homeless man on the other side of the door to the back alley. She didn't answer, instead just muttering "Cm'on" as she continued to walk. His long legs caught up with her easily, and he got her to slow down by grabbing her elbow and whispering "hey" into her ear. She slowed and calmed down.
Slightly embarrassed she said "That bathroom was really gross. I'm just done."
"Hey, we are on our way. You're okay."
"This is shaping up to be a worse day then that whole throwndown with BFF." It really wasn't, but she was upset and the booze was causing her dramatics to heighten.
"Yeah, what really happened that day?" He asked with concern.
She spilled most of it to him, and when she was done he had his arm around her as they snuggled on her couch, looking out over the city. She wiped the tears from her eyes, but more came when he played a message he had recorded for his dying friend. She talked about messaging Piz after Valentine's day and how stupid she felt....how her ex was still living with her mother.
She screwed up her courage and asked him why he kissed her last year, on her birthday. She was quiet and waited for an answer. He was quiet for what felt like another year. She picked her head up off his shoulder and gazed at him. She wasn't going to be the first to speak, to give him an out. She would wait for his answer. She deserved something besides the excuses he made before.
When he finally spoke, he changed topics. She steered him back, and he said "Oh...I thought the question was rhetorical."
He might never have an answer for her.
But this year, she didn't want a kiss. She wanted answers. She wanted a why. It had all happened and she had accepted it...but she still didn't know why he really kissed her that night. No one just kisses someone because it seemed like they needed it.
Did they?
Work was the most difficult that it had been. Her new job was normally a dream, but the company they were working for was doing things the wrong way and causing a ruckus. She had been left alone and tried to do her best. She knew that she'd be forgiven, but it was still a new job and she wanted to be able to show them she could handle anything that came her way.
She left work agitated, but trying to calm down. Her phone rang, it was KSL. He immediately sensed how upset she was and attempted to calm her down.
"Hey, you're out now, you are okay. I'm on my way, give me 10 minutes. We'll get a drink, it'll be fine."
She told him about the night as they walked over to grab their drinks. She raged through the first half of her drink, and then he spilled about his trip to see his dying friend, who sadly passed before he could get there. On the way he had an awkward road trip with people he didn't really care for anymore. They played a road game where they added up all their sexual partners. He said that he was embarrassed to say that he had 56.
"You were the last one though." He said to her.
"No I wasn't."
He looked at her, puzzled.
"There was that one girl that I don't like to talk about because it was basically the end of our friendship, and then there was Banana. So, you are at 58 pal."
"Shit!" He was clearly a little distraught over his number. She wondered how many others he had "forgotten" in-between.
She didn't have time to wallow in this news, because he grabbed for her drink. "Looks like you had a friend hiding in your ice"
There was a fly floating in her drink. Her already bad night took a turn for the worst.
"You should go back up to the bar and show them. They owe you a new drink." KSL said sensibly.
Her face crumbled and her heart sank. "I don't want to" she pouted.
"You want me to do it?" He said gently. She nodded, and he stood up and took her drink. It took him a few minutes, and as soon as he got back she was ready to break the drunk seal.
She headed up to the seedy bathroom of the bar, which was normally pretty messy but passable. Tonight, of all nights however, it was in the worst condition she'd ever seen any other bathroom in her life. Shit was all but painted on the walls. The hooker hanging out by the sinks noted her reaction and countered "Girl, I know...it's the worse I've seen it too."
She shot out the door and down the stairs to their table and picked up her fresh drink and rounded the other side, near shouting "We're leaving!"
KSL was shocked. She again stated that they were leaving, they were going back to her place where she could pee in a place that wasn't already covered in fecal matter.
"You are walking awful fast..." KSL said to her as she motored out of the bar, nearly knocking over a homeless man on the other side of the door to the back alley. She didn't answer, instead just muttering "Cm'on" as she continued to walk. His long legs caught up with her easily, and he got her to slow down by grabbing her elbow and whispering "hey" into her ear. She slowed and calmed down.
Slightly embarrassed she said "That bathroom was really gross. I'm just done."
"Hey, we are on our way. You're okay."
"This is shaping up to be a worse day then that whole throwndown with BFF." It really wasn't, but she was upset and the booze was causing her dramatics to heighten.
"Yeah, what really happened that day?" He asked with concern.
She spilled most of it to him, and when she was done he had his arm around her as they snuggled on her couch, looking out over the city. She wiped the tears from her eyes, but more came when he played a message he had recorded for his dying friend. She talked about messaging Piz after Valentine's day and how stupid she felt....how her ex was still living with her mother.
She screwed up her courage and asked him why he kissed her last year, on her birthday. She was quiet and waited for an answer. He was quiet for what felt like another year. She picked her head up off his shoulder and gazed at him. She wasn't going to be the first to speak, to give him an out. She would wait for his answer. She deserved something besides the excuses he made before.
When he finally spoke, he changed topics. She steered him back, and he said "Oh...I thought the question was rhetorical."
He might never have an answer for her.
Sunday, April 2, 2017
Crash Landing
"I'm at home. My friend who's here just told me some fucked up shit and laughed at my fears." Pilot had been texting her upset. His friend was dying of cancer, but he was just offered a job at NASA. His world was a little shaken.
"You don't need that shit." She replied.
"I want out. I just want to talk."
"You want to meet up somewhere for a couple of hours?" She immediately regretted it as soon as she sent it. It was already 10:30 at night, and she had work the next morning.
"Please," came the response "I'm a mess."
She arrived at the bar they decided on at 10:47. She texted him that she was there, and he said he was on his way. At 11:13 she texted "How much longer are you gonna be? I'm officially that creepy girl at a bar by herself."
In reality she was sure no one noticed her, but she was feeling self-conscious by the minute.
"Almost there," He answered 15 minutes later. "On 1st Street."
At 11:30 she sent "They are doing last call so we don't have that long."
"I'm sorry, I'm a mess. I'll just go home."
She was furious. She had waited almost an hour for him, and now he was just going home? How drunk was he already? She was concerned about him going home on his own.
"Dude, I'll at least drive you home, just make it here."
No answer. She got in her car and drove down 1st street for several blocks. She didn't see anyone walking along the street.
Was he lying to her the whole time?
"Well I just drove down 1st and didn't see you so I guess I'm going home."
When she parked her car she looked at the several text messages that continued to stream in from him.
"Oh. Ok"
"Uh. I'll just go home. Sorry"
"I'm a terrible person"
"I shouldn't even try to like people because I hurt them"
"Honestly. You should block me because I'm a horrible mess of emotions that no one wants shit to do with"
She finally answered "Hey, I shouldn't go the extra mile for near strangers either. Guess that just makes us even." It was the meanest thing she had ever said to him. Would ever say to him.
"Works for me." He replied. She got ready for bed. Two rapid-fire texts came through as she turned out the light.
"Sorry. I can't cope with shit"
"I'll just leave. I was a block from the bar. I'm sorry. This is why I don't put myself out there"
This is why SHE didn't put herself out there. She felt hurt that she had been long hauled by Pilot, by almost a whole year.
"You don't need that shit." She replied.
"I want out. I just want to talk."
"You want to meet up somewhere for a couple of hours?" She immediately regretted it as soon as she sent it. It was already 10:30 at night, and she had work the next morning.
"Please," came the response "I'm a mess."
She arrived at the bar they decided on at 10:47. She texted him that she was there, and he said he was on his way. At 11:13 she texted "How much longer are you gonna be? I'm officially that creepy girl at a bar by herself."
In reality she was sure no one noticed her, but she was feeling self-conscious by the minute.
"Almost there," He answered 15 minutes later. "On 1st Street."
At 11:30 she sent "They are doing last call so we don't have that long."
"I'm sorry, I'm a mess. I'll just go home."
She was furious. She had waited almost an hour for him, and now he was just going home? How drunk was he already? She was concerned about him going home on his own.
"Dude, I'll at least drive you home, just make it here."
No answer. She got in her car and drove down 1st street for several blocks. She didn't see anyone walking along the street.
Was he lying to her the whole time?
"Well I just drove down 1st and didn't see you so I guess I'm going home."
When she parked her car she looked at the several text messages that continued to stream in from him.
"Oh. Ok"
"Uh. I'll just go home. Sorry"
"I'm a terrible person"
"I shouldn't even try to like people because I hurt them"
"Honestly. You should block me because I'm a horrible mess of emotions that no one wants shit to do with"
She finally answered "Hey, I shouldn't go the extra mile for near strangers either. Guess that just makes us even." It was the meanest thing she had ever said to him. Would ever say to him.
"Works for me." He replied. She got ready for bed. Two rapid-fire texts came through as she turned out the light.
"Sorry. I can't cope with shit"
"I'll just leave. I was a block from the bar. I'm sorry. This is why I don't put myself out there"
This is why SHE didn't put herself out there. She felt hurt that she had been long hauled by Pilot, by almost a whole year.
Monday, March 27, 2017
Zombie
She didn't know who else to ask. That was the nice part about being married, she always had someone to at least pretend to take care of her, or at least get other people to. When she had her gall bladder out she had her two friends watching her until her ex got home. This time around for her tonsillectomy though...she had no one.
That wasn't entirely true. Goldie would always be out of town or too busy, it seems that SD was the same level of busy lately. She didn't really fully trust anyone else to actually be loving enough to take care of her....except for her ex.
Her mother volunteered immediately, but as she texted KSL, she would most likely slit the rest of her throat after 10 minutes with her mom. Plus she didn't want to be taken back to her mother's house where her ex was still living, along with her sister and her boyfriend.
"I should be able to help" He replied, a little too vague for her liking.
"Thanks"
She felt like it was a real desire of hers, to have him take care of her. It was also a really really scary prospect. No doubt he would be good at it, he had always been a great caretaker...but it also felt like almost too intimate of a service to be providing. Boyfriends took care of their girlfriends like this...friends don't really take care of friends this way. She should have never asked him.
Of course, as they discussed on her birthday a couple of weeks ago, they were different from the typical friendship or relationship. They defied social norms...and she didn't think that this would be one of them.
She was getting way too into her head about this.
That wasn't entirely true. Goldie would always be out of town or too busy, it seems that SD was the same level of busy lately. She didn't really fully trust anyone else to actually be loving enough to take care of her....except for her ex.
Her mother volunteered immediately, but as she texted KSL, she would most likely slit the rest of her throat after 10 minutes with her mom. Plus she didn't want to be taken back to her mother's house where her ex was still living, along with her sister and her boyfriend.
"I should be able to help" He replied, a little too vague for her liking.
"Thanks"
She felt like it was a real desire of hers, to have him take care of her. It was also a really really scary prospect. No doubt he would be good at it, he had always been a great caretaker...but it also felt like almost too intimate of a service to be providing. Boyfriends took care of their girlfriends like this...friends don't really take care of friends this way. She should have never asked him.
Of course, as they discussed on her birthday a couple of weeks ago, they were different from the typical friendship or relationship. They defied social norms...and she didn't think that this would be one of them.
She was getting way too into her head about this.
Friday, March 24, 2017
Second Dates....or Were They?
Nameless had shown up again, out of the blue. He apologized for ghosting and said he would make it up to her with dinner and drinks, to start.
He was in the sciences and they actually balanced each other out really well. She told him right before they met up she visited the modern art museum and was overwhelmed with how much she missed it. "It was so quiet...I loved it."
He laughed at her good-naturedly, obviously charmed by her extreme introversion. He was clearly an extrovert, the kind that always wanted to eat and drink directly at the bar. He also made fun of her for her actions, but in a gentle flirting manner.
After they finished their tapas they moved onto the bar next door. She made fun of how he didn't like sweet drinks, and he gave her a hard time when she wanted to pet a dog that was brought into the bar.
"You know they beat that dog."
"They do not!"
"They do, look how sad and dejected it looks."
"Stop it!" She laughed.
They headed out after 4 drinks, and he mentioned he was in Liberty parking. She didn't know where that was, so he just said good night and started walking away.
She was a little shocked but just shrugged her shoulders and started walking home. About ten minutes later a huge truck swerved from the road next to her. For a brief moment she thought "This is it, this is how I die."
It was Nameless. He was surprised because he always took that road home and never saw her before.
"To be fair I'm not normally heading home this way unless I've been to that bar."
"Do you want a ride to your place?"
"You see that building at the next light? That's my building. You don't need to drive me 1/3 of a block. I appreciate it though."
"Well," he said, laughing, "Let me know when you get home safe."
Minutes later she texted him "Ugh you are such a bad influence on my drinking habits. Just getting home, have a good night"
He replied "That's awesome. Hopefully I can be a bad influence on other things."
She wanted to ask him how he was planning on doing that without even a hug goodbye but she refrained and decided to go with a joke.
"Ha! Like what? Abusing dogs?"
"I wasn't the one abusing the poor dog...talk to those owners. Horrible people"
"Stop it that dog was fine! Haha"
"Whatever let's you sleep at night."
"Shut up, you know that dog was fine. You are just playing on my insecurities" She followed up with the Love Languages Quiz link and said she was passing out, but to take the quiz.
She woke up to his text "Physical Touch first, then Acts of Service."
"Interesting, your second is my number 1 usually. Then what?"
"Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. Zero on gifts."
"Gifts are the worst!"
That was the last she heard of him, for who knows how long.
He was in the sciences and they actually balanced each other out really well. She told him right before they met up she visited the modern art museum and was overwhelmed with how much she missed it. "It was so quiet...I loved it."
He laughed at her good-naturedly, obviously charmed by her extreme introversion. He was clearly an extrovert, the kind that always wanted to eat and drink directly at the bar. He also made fun of her for her actions, but in a gentle flirting manner.
After they finished their tapas they moved onto the bar next door. She made fun of how he didn't like sweet drinks, and he gave her a hard time when she wanted to pet a dog that was brought into the bar.
"You know they beat that dog."
"They do not!"
"They do, look how sad and dejected it looks."
"Stop it!" She laughed.
They headed out after 4 drinks, and he mentioned he was in Liberty parking. She didn't know where that was, so he just said good night and started walking away.
She was a little shocked but just shrugged her shoulders and started walking home. About ten minutes later a huge truck swerved from the road next to her. For a brief moment she thought "This is it, this is how I die."
It was Nameless. He was surprised because he always took that road home and never saw her before.
"To be fair I'm not normally heading home this way unless I've been to that bar."
"Do you want a ride to your place?"
"You see that building at the next light? That's my building. You don't need to drive me 1/3 of a block. I appreciate it though."
"Well," he said, laughing, "Let me know when you get home safe."
Minutes later she texted him "Ugh you are such a bad influence on my drinking habits. Just getting home, have a good night"
He replied "That's awesome. Hopefully I can be a bad influence on other things."
She wanted to ask him how he was planning on doing that without even a hug goodbye but she refrained and decided to go with a joke.
"Ha! Like what? Abusing dogs?"
"I wasn't the one abusing the poor dog...talk to those owners. Horrible people"
"Stop it that dog was fine! Haha"
"Whatever let's you sleep at night."
"Shut up, you know that dog was fine. You are just playing on my insecurities" She followed up with the Love Languages Quiz link and said she was passing out, but to take the quiz.
She woke up to his text "Physical Touch first, then Acts of Service."
"Interesting, your second is my number 1 usually. Then what?"
"Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. Zero on gifts."
"Gifts are the worst!"
That was the last she heard of him, for who knows how long.
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
A Year's Worth of Pent Up Aggression
BFF had decided to come over for a minute, and had to ask what her apartment number was. She sighed and texted it to her. How could she call herself her best friend and still not know where she lived after a year?
If there was anything BFF did well, it was make herself the victim. That's what she proceeded to do for 3 hours. It was the most time she'd ever spent at her apartment.
Amongst all their drama, the Improv troupe was breaking up. Mostly just with the Troupe leader, but either way it made for some awkward drama.
At the end of the conversation, BFF was trying to play the victim...and it was time that she didn't get away with it.
She told her how much it had hurt her. How she had lost her husband and her best friend all in the same year. She had just disappeared.
"It just seemed like you had people, you didn't need me." BFF said, tears in her eyes.
"I didn't have any other choice did I? You left me no other choice."
The conversation kept spiraling around issues, things that happened a year ago until just a few short weeks ago.
In the end, BFF thought that things had ended up strained by on a right path.
The next morning, she woke up furious and angry with how everything had gone. Their friendship was essentially over.
If there was anything BFF did well, it was make herself the victim. That's what she proceeded to do for 3 hours. It was the most time she'd ever spent at her apartment.
Amongst all their drama, the Improv troupe was breaking up. Mostly just with the Troupe leader, but either way it made for some awkward drama.
At the end of the conversation, BFF was trying to play the victim...and it was time that she didn't get away with it.
She told her how much it had hurt her. How she had lost her husband and her best friend all in the same year. She had just disappeared.
"It just seemed like you had people, you didn't need me." BFF said, tears in her eyes.
"I didn't have any other choice did I? You left me no other choice."
The conversation kept spiraling around issues, things that happened a year ago until just a few short weeks ago.
In the end, BFF thought that things had ended up strained by on a right path.
The next morning, she woke up furious and angry with how everything had gone. Their friendship was essentially over.
Thursday, March 9, 2017
A Dead End Prospect
Levi was in a polyamorous relationship with Improv leader. His head was shaved and his beard was short but full. He almost always wore a sharp hipster hat low over his grey eyes. He oozed sex appeal wherever he went. She frequently saw him out on dates with other woman, though he didn't seem to stay with one for long. She'd run into him occasionally while she was out at events, and they hadn't really spoken except for one meaningful conversation where he had comforted her after her separation. His words meant a lot to her, so she had included him on her birthday letter. A day or so later he responded.
"Hello my dear,
This is perfect because I've been meaning to take you out for a proper evening. I will think on what you've said and propose something.
Love, always,
-Levi"
A smile plastered across her face. She was so freaking easy to please. Just show her a little attention and she melted. She showed everyone the email, she was giddy.
A few days later she saw him at the Improv show and greeted him with "Your email made me swoon a little. I showed everyone."
Levi gave her a sexy smile and said "Well that's nothing compared to the date I'll plan. I just have one question: are you ready?"
Her eyebrow raised, amused. She hadn't had the opportunity to flirt in a very long time. She found that although she hadn't been using the muscles, they were still just as strong as ever.
"Oh I'm ready. I've never been more excited for a date that I know isn't going anywhere."
It was his turn to raise an eyebrow as he said "How do you know that? Penny, I don't have any pure intentions for this date."
"No?"
"None whatsoever."
"Well, at least I get a proper evening first though right? Then the impurity will begin?"
"Yep...are you ready? You better get ready."
"Oh I'll be ready. You better make it so hot that I need to Facebook Live the whole thing."
"It'll be Facebook Live Worthy. Just you wait. Like I said, I'll think about it and let you know soon."
"Hello my dear,
This is perfect because I've been meaning to take you out for a proper evening. I will think on what you've said and propose something.
Love, always,
-Levi"
A smile plastered across her face. She was so freaking easy to please. Just show her a little attention and she melted. She showed everyone the email, she was giddy.
A few days later she saw him at the Improv show and greeted him with "Your email made me swoon a little. I showed everyone."
Levi gave her a sexy smile and said "Well that's nothing compared to the date I'll plan. I just have one question: are you ready?"
Her eyebrow raised, amused. She hadn't had the opportunity to flirt in a very long time. She found that although she hadn't been using the muscles, they were still just as strong as ever.
"Oh I'm ready. I've never been more excited for a date that I know isn't going anywhere."
It was his turn to raise an eyebrow as he said "How do you know that? Penny, I don't have any pure intentions for this date."
"No?"
"None whatsoever."
"Well, at least I get a proper evening first though right? Then the impurity will begin?"
"Yep...are you ready? You better get ready."
"Oh I'll be ready. You better make it so hot that I need to Facebook Live the whole thing."
"It'll be Facebook Live Worthy. Just you wait. Like I said, I'll think about it and let you know soon."
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
Birthday Dates
"As you might or might not know, this month is my birthday. Since a majority of you are going to be out of town or seeing shows, I decided to do something different.
Last year was really rough for me, and getting through it is mostly due to the people getting this email. I want to continue to foster those friendships in my next year of life.
If you decide to accept this, here is the full deal: You will take me out on a date for my birthday. It can be for an hour, a meal, a day, a whole weekend...the choice is all yours.
I know we are all busy people, so I'm going to put a deadline of the end of the year on this.
Things to keep in mind:
Last year was really rough for me, and getting through it is mostly due to the people getting this email. I want to continue to foster those friendships in my next year of life.
If you decide to accept this, here is the full deal: You will take me out on a date for my birthday. It can be for an hour, a meal, a day, a whole weekend...the choice is all yours.
I know we are all busy people, so I'm going to put a deadline of the end of the year on this.
Things to keep in mind:
- Because of my stupid thyroid condition I can't be seriously physical. I can do short easy hikes, and anything you'd like to expose me to I will try and accomplish.
- I love food.
- I love drinking, especially checking out new bars.
- That being said, new experiences are cool too. Take me to a museum, film, whatever!
- It can be with other people but make sure we get quality alone time amongst it.
- Be Creative, or let's do what we always do...I just want to spend time with you.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
My Funny Valentine Part 2
She decided avoidance could be the name of the game for the rest of the day. She needed to not think about that text for awhile, and get used to the idea he was gone first.
He was gone. He had left early. He didn't care to fix anything between them before he left.
He didn't care.
After she had calmed down, she parsed out the text message calmly and rationally.
He thanked her for her kind words. A little stiff, but grateful. He seemed to thrive off of Words of Affirmation, so she was sure he meant it.
No hard feelings on his end? What hard feelings could there be, she had been awesome! An amazing girlfriend/non-girlfriend. In the end though, it was most likely his slightly awkward way of saying his feelings hadn't changed either.
He said they "should try" to grab a drink, as if it wasn't going to work out in the end. Which is fair...maybe he was just being polite. He would "let her know." He hoped everything was doing well. What could she really say to that? He never said he was doing well...she didn't feel like she needed to answer that. Did she even need to answer at all?
She did end up responding.
"I'm sorry to have missed saying goodbye. Let me know your schedule and you find out so we can meet up. I hope everything is going well so far."
It would have to be good enough. Now it was time to put it out of her head for a couple of months.
He was gone. He had left early. He didn't care to fix anything between them before he left.
He didn't care.
After she had calmed down, she parsed out the text message calmly and rationally.
He thanked her for her kind words. A little stiff, but grateful. He seemed to thrive off of Words of Affirmation, so she was sure he meant it.
No hard feelings on his end? What hard feelings could there be, she had been awesome! An amazing girlfriend/non-girlfriend. In the end though, it was most likely his slightly awkward way of saying his feelings hadn't changed either.
He said they "should try" to grab a drink, as if it wasn't going to work out in the end. Which is fair...maybe he was just being polite. He would "let her know." He hoped everything was doing well. What could she really say to that? He never said he was doing well...she didn't feel like she needed to answer that. Did she even need to answer at all?
She did end up responding.
"I'm sorry to have missed saying goodbye. Let me know your schedule and you find out so we can meet up. I hope everything is going well so far."
It would have to be good enough. Now it was time to put it out of her head for a couple of months.
Monday, February 27, 2017
My Funny Valentine Part 1
"I've been thinking about Piz a lot lately. More than I should be. Maybe it's because he's leaving soon. I keep thinking about how different the past few months would have been if we had stayed together. The lost potential. I don't know."
She was sharing an awesome meal and some of her favorite wine with a friend on that dreaded February 14th date. She was feeling pretty okay with where her life had been heading, and even though she had all but given up on the dating scene, she was okay with it. She was finally in a place where being single was okay.
Piz was still there though, in the back of her mind. He was leaving soon, and much as she tried to replace the last time they were together to the second to last time they were together, she still thought about how it had ended.
She felt the need to text him. What would she say? Everyone would tell her not to text him, to forget about him and move on. Maybe everyone would be right.
She was getting a little tired of not following her intuition and her heart. It hadn't gotten her anywhere she wanted to go. She had to do what felt right by her, and damn the consequences.
It took her three days to compose and adjust the text before she sent it.
"So, I know you are leaving soon. I wanted to wish you well, I know you are going to do amazing work. I'd like to get a drink with you before you go to say goodbye, but I understand if you don't want to see me. I just wanted to let you know there are no hard feelings on my end, and I hope you find/have found happiness."
It was adult, it was respectful, it was honest. She just wanted to erase that last night, get the taste out of her mouth. And if he didn't answer, then at least she cleared her side. She talked herself into not seeing a response from him.
In fact, she wasn't even thinking about it as she settled onto her yoga mat. As the first steps were beginning, her wrist vibrated a text message notification. She expected it to be BW seeing if she wanted to go to breakfast, or something from Twitter.
She was shocked to see Piz's name crawl across the display. "Thanks Penny, I appreciate the..." and the display cut off.
Needless to say, her yoga game was thrown all the way off. She tried her hardest to concentrate, but she went through the whole range of emotions trying to figure out what the whole message could possibly say.
"Are you okay?" Dawn asked her at the end of class.
"I got a response from Piz. I don't know what it says. And I've had a whole hour to work myself up about it."
They looked at it together.
"Thanks Penny I appreciate the kind words. No hard feelings on my end too. I'm sorry but I already left for Arizona."
Her breath caught in her throat. "Oh." She choked out, sitting down into a chair. The news hit her like bricks to the chest. He was already gone. She missed her shot. He didn't say goodbye. He didn't say anything. She forced herself to read the rest of the message.
"I'm not sure of my exact schedule yet but I should be back in town in the next couple of months. We should try to grab a drink then, I'll let you know. I hope everything is well."
Dawn's face lit up, and she exclaimed "This is good Penny! This is a good message! He wants to meet up for a drink when he's in town, that's good! Why are you so upset?"
Tears were now freely rolling down her face. She was feeling the emotions that she had yet to parse out. All she could say was "I didn't expect him to be gone already. He was supposed to leave on March 1st. He left early. He left me early."
She couldn't stop crying.
She was sharing an awesome meal and some of her favorite wine with a friend on that dreaded February 14th date. She was feeling pretty okay with where her life had been heading, and even though she had all but given up on the dating scene, she was okay with it. She was finally in a place where being single was okay.
Piz was still there though, in the back of her mind. He was leaving soon, and much as she tried to replace the last time they were together to the second to last time they were together, she still thought about how it had ended.
She felt the need to text him. What would she say? Everyone would tell her not to text him, to forget about him and move on. Maybe everyone would be right.
She was getting a little tired of not following her intuition and her heart. It hadn't gotten her anywhere she wanted to go. She had to do what felt right by her, and damn the consequences.
It took her three days to compose and adjust the text before she sent it.
"So, I know you are leaving soon. I wanted to wish you well, I know you are going to do amazing work. I'd like to get a drink with you before you go to say goodbye, but I understand if you don't want to see me. I just wanted to let you know there are no hard feelings on my end, and I hope you find/have found happiness."
It was adult, it was respectful, it was honest. She just wanted to erase that last night, get the taste out of her mouth. And if he didn't answer, then at least she cleared her side. She talked herself into not seeing a response from him.
In fact, she wasn't even thinking about it as she settled onto her yoga mat. As the first steps were beginning, her wrist vibrated a text message notification. She expected it to be BW seeing if she wanted to go to breakfast, or something from Twitter.
She was shocked to see Piz's name crawl across the display. "Thanks Penny, I appreciate the..." and the display cut off.
Needless to say, her yoga game was thrown all the way off. She tried her hardest to concentrate, but she went through the whole range of emotions trying to figure out what the whole message could possibly say.
"Are you okay?" Dawn asked her at the end of class.
"I got a response from Piz. I don't know what it says. And I've had a whole hour to work myself up about it."
They looked at it together.
"Thanks Penny I appreciate the kind words. No hard feelings on my end too. I'm sorry but I already left for Arizona."
Her breath caught in her throat. "Oh." She choked out, sitting down into a chair. The news hit her like bricks to the chest. He was already gone. She missed her shot. He didn't say goodbye. He didn't say anything. She forced herself to read the rest of the message.
"I'm not sure of my exact schedule yet but I should be back in town in the next couple of months. We should try to grab a drink then, I'll let you know. I hope everything is well."
Dawn's face lit up, and she exclaimed "This is good Penny! This is a good message! He wants to meet up for a drink when he's in town, that's good! Why are you so upset?"
Tears were now freely rolling down her face. She was feeling the emotions that she had yet to parse out. All she could say was "I didn't expect him to be gone already. He was supposed to leave on March 1st. He left early. He left me early."
She couldn't stop crying.
Friday, February 24, 2017
Getting the Job Undone
"Your insurance isn't valid. I think your former employer might have canceled it."
Pre-Op was not how she wanted to get this news. She didn't want to get this news at all. She had worked out with her new job that she would be out for a week to recover. Why would they cancel her insurance?
She texted her old boss to ask him what had happened, and he promised to look into it. She made her way into work and told them of her potentially canceled surgery.
She was a little crushed. She knew she could always reschedule in a few months with the better insurance that she'd get after her new job's probation was over. But it would still be a great thing to be without her tonsils.
She couldn't really blame it on KSL that she'd gotten strep several times in the last year. Obviously something was wrong. The ENT had said that her tonsils were very large even when she was perfectly healthy. He told her that it was most likely the cause of why she wasn't getting quality sleep, still getting sick all the time, not able to swallow and always having a bit of a sore throat. Her dentist had even said that everything he could tell her to improve on was being caused by her tonsils, and having them out would solve everything.
And now, she was being forced to stay in the abusive relationship she had with them. Her old boss texted her to call him when she was at lunch.
"So, the insurance agent called me back to tell me they canceled your insurance. I'm not sure I should have been told that though, since they fired me before he could call me back. Your other co-worker too."
"What?!?! They fired everyone? Oh my god, they fired both of you at the same time?"
"Yep, called us into the office together and everything."
She was in shock. This was far too many things happening at once. She called her surgeon and canceled her surgery. She went to her new job and explained what had happened. She threw herself on their mercy, and they decided to let her work through the week and schedule her surgery for July, their slow month. It was a long time to continue to suffer, but it was better than never getting them out.
She got major survivors guilt. She got out without being fired, and they didn't. She had a great job, one that would turn into a years long commitment, she hoped. Her heart went out to them.
She felt like she was Indiana Jones, and the boulder was racing towards her.
Pre-Op was not how she wanted to get this news. She didn't want to get this news at all. She had worked out with her new job that she would be out for a week to recover. Why would they cancel her insurance?
She texted her old boss to ask him what had happened, and he promised to look into it. She made her way into work and told them of her potentially canceled surgery.
She was a little crushed. She knew she could always reschedule in a few months with the better insurance that she'd get after her new job's probation was over. But it would still be a great thing to be without her tonsils.
She couldn't really blame it on KSL that she'd gotten strep several times in the last year. Obviously something was wrong. The ENT had said that her tonsils were very large even when she was perfectly healthy. He told her that it was most likely the cause of why she wasn't getting quality sleep, still getting sick all the time, not able to swallow and always having a bit of a sore throat. Her dentist had even said that everything he could tell her to improve on was being caused by her tonsils, and having them out would solve everything.
And now, she was being forced to stay in the abusive relationship she had with them. Her old boss texted her to call him when she was at lunch.
"So, the insurance agent called me back to tell me they canceled your insurance. I'm not sure I should have been told that though, since they fired me before he could call me back. Your other co-worker too."
"What?!?! They fired everyone? Oh my god, they fired both of you at the same time?"
"Yep, called us into the office together and everything."
She was in shock. This was far too many things happening at once. She called her surgeon and canceled her surgery. She went to her new job and explained what had happened. She threw herself on their mercy, and they decided to let her work through the week and schedule her surgery for July, their slow month. It was a long time to continue to suffer, but it was better than never getting them out.
She got major survivors guilt. She got out without being fired, and they didn't. She had a great job, one that would turn into a years long commitment, she hoped. Her heart went out to them.
She felt like she was Indiana Jones, and the boulder was racing towards her.
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Rule of Empathy
"My mom told me that my ex told her that he can't pay off his credit cards. Still. Which only makes me want to file the paperwork faster. But he has the paperwork and can't seem to fill it out."
Her friend responded "Really? Is he holding out hope for reconciliation?"
"Maybe. PJ told me that this summer he went home from a show early and told everyone he had to study to "get his woman back."
"How do you feel about that?"
"I feel terrible. Sick. Horrible. Devastated. I wish I would've just killed myself instead of left him...because then I wouldn't be left with feeling so awful. I feel like I ruin everything and I shouldn't be here."
Her friend responded "Really? Is he holding out hope for reconciliation?"
"Maybe. PJ told me that this summer he went home from a show early and told everyone he had to study to "get his woman back."
"How do you feel about that?"
"I feel terrible. Sick. Horrible. Devastated. I wish I would've just killed myself instead of left him...because then I wouldn't be left with feeling so awful. I feel like I ruin everything and I shouldn't be here."
Monday, February 20, 2017
Celebrate Good Times Now Stop
"We have to go out tonight to celebrate your new job! How exciting is that!?!?" MG exclaimed.
In reality, she was exhausted. It had been a hard week for her, without much sleep. She knew she wouldn't be sleeping in anytime soon. MG seemed determined, however, so they set out to celebrate. Banana joined them and MG took no time in tossing her drinks back quickly.
They moved onto another bar where MG immediately befriended a group of people and started the giant Truth or Dare Jenga game the bar provided. She tried to play with them but really wasn't feeling it. She went and talked to some other friends she saw at the bar, and then told them she was going to walk home. She asked Banana to watch over MG and drive her to her apartment later so she could sleep it off.
On her way home she encountered a couple where the male was attempting jumping on a rock that went horribly wrong. He went down fast and hard, and her heart went out to him.
"Buddy, are you okay?" She asked, walking over to him. He stood up fast, and before she knew what was happening he had shoved her. He was extremely inebriated, so it was a weak push, but it was a shove just the same. "Hey, stay away from me!"
"Dude, why do you have to have so much hate in your heart?" She asked, almost yelling at him. He looked almost ashamed, as his girlfriend apologized for his behavior. She walked away without another word. She had obviously had a little too much to drink herself.
She left her apartment unlocked, made up the couch, and went to sleep. Her dehydrated body woke her two hours later, demanding water. After she gulped some down, she realized it was past last call and there was no MG on her couch.
She went back and forth texting MG, who was clearly 10 times more drunk than when she left her. She got into the car to drive down where she was to pick her up. MG became angry and said she could take care of herself, and hung up on her.
She left a scathing message on MG's voicemail, threatening not only not moving in with her, but stopping being her friend altogether.
Eventually she found her on the street. She yelled at her to get in the car, and MG ended up puking in the parking garage for a few minutes.
The next morning they took a sobriety pack together.
In reality, she was exhausted. It had been a hard week for her, without much sleep. She knew she wouldn't be sleeping in anytime soon. MG seemed determined, however, so they set out to celebrate. Banana joined them and MG took no time in tossing her drinks back quickly.
They moved onto another bar where MG immediately befriended a group of people and started the giant Truth or Dare Jenga game the bar provided. She tried to play with them but really wasn't feeling it. She went and talked to some other friends she saw at the bar, and then told them she was going to walk home. She asked Banana to watch over MG and drive her to her apartment later so she could sleep it off.
On her way home she encountered a couple where the male was attempting jumping on a rock that went horribly wrong. He went down fast and hard, and her heart went out to him.
"Buddy, are you okay?" She asked, walking over to him. He stood up fast, and before she knew what was happening he had shoved her. He was extremely inebriated, so it was a weak push, but it was a shove just the same. "Hey, stay away from me!"
"Dude, why do you have to have so much hate in your heart?" She asked, almost yelling at him. He looked almost ashamed, as his girlfriend apologized for his behavior. She walked away without another word. She had obviously had a little too much to drink herself.
She left her apartment unlocked, made up the couch, and went to sleep. Her dehydrated body woke her two hours later, demanding water. After she gulped some down, she realized it was past last call and there was no MG on her couch.
She went back and forth texting MG, who was clearly 10 times more drunk than when she left her. She got into the car to drive down where she was to pick her up. MG became angry and said she could take care of herself, and hung up on her.
She left a scathing message on MG's voicemail, threatening not only not moving in with her, but stopping being her friend altogether.
Eventually she found her on the street. She yelled at her to get in the car, and MG ended up puking in the parking garage for a few minutes.
The next morning they took a sobriety pack together.
Monday, January 30, 2017
Interview Jitters
"Are you nervous?" Her boss asked her.
"Not really...I tend to interview pretty well. I feel confident."
"You do interview really well. You've got this, I'm proud of you for getting it!"
Really it wasn't her doing at all. The producer of the play she was stage managing mentioned this job to her, and she sent in her resume right away, expecting to hear nothing back. She got a phone call and an interview in less than 72 hours.
Her ex was also up for the job, and had told her that he "talked her up" while he was there. She told him that wasn't very smart, he needed to fight for the job himself.
She was in the car on the way to the interview. Things had been tense at work today and she was trying to put it out of her head. Then her phone went off.
"The university just let me know that they have reviewed my program info and officially approved my graduation. Confirmed might be more accurate."
There it was. The reminder that she was, in fact, ineffectual. She couldn't do this job. She couldn't even get her own husband to care about his own damn life.
In a panic, she knew she needed someone to give her a self confidence boost. Someone from whom it would matter.
"Ugh, because OF COURSE right before he knows I have an important interview he texts me reminding me of something he accomplished without me, making me feel ineffectual, the worst way to go into an interview. Fuck him. Now I'm going to fuck this up."
"You won't fuck it up. He has no power over you. You are a fucking badass and are gonna crush it." KSL texted back a minute later.
She went in, and she was charming. She was nice to the people that she met, remembered little details of things that people appreciated. But she knew that she could have been more, and she not been shaken.
"Breathe. You're alive." KSL texted.
"I know. Thank you for the words of affirmation. Much appreciated. Fuck, just the damn timing on that. I was fearless before that moment. I knew I had it."
"And you still have it."
She wasn't so sure anymore.
"Not really...I tend to interview pretty well. I feel confident."
"You do interview really well. You've got this, I'm proud of you for getting it!"
Really it wasn't her doing at all. The producer of the play she was stage managing mentioned this job to her, and she sent in her resume right away, expecting to hear nothing back. She got a phone call and an interview in less than 72 hours.
Her ex was also up for the job, and had told her that he "talked her up" while he was there. She told him that wasn't very smart, he needed to fight for the job himself.
She was in the car on the way to the interview. Things had been tense at work today and she was trying to put it out of her head. Then her phone went off.
"The university just let me know that they have reviewed my program info and officially approved my graduation. Confirmed might be more accurate."
There it was. The reminder that she was, in fact, ineffectual. She couldn't do this job. She couldn't even get her own husband to care about his own damn life.
In a panic, she knew she needed someone to give her a self confidence boost. Someone from whom it would matter.
"Ugh, because OF COURSE right before he knows I have an important interview he texts me reminding me of something he accomplished without me, making me feel ineffectual, the worst way to go into an interview. Fuck him. Now I'm going to fuck this up."
"You won't fuck it up. He has no power over you. You are a fucking badass and are gonna crush it." KSL texted back a minute later.
She went in, and she was charming. She was nice to the people that she met, remembered little details of things that people appreciated. But she knew that she could have been more, and she not been shaken.
"Breathe. You're alive." KSL texted.
"I know. Thank you for the words of affirmation. Much appreciated. Fuck, just the damn timing on that. I was fearless before that moment. I knew I had it."
"And you still have it."
She wasn't so sure anymore.
Friday, January 27, 2017
Opening Night
Finally, her play that wouldn't end had finally made progress. It was finally opening night, and come hell or high water it would finish.
After a taxidermy head fell off the wall and a vase got smashed by a falling sword, but no one was hurt. In fact, in the face of everything the actors actually seemed to be on top of their lines for the first time ever.
They were in the home stretch when she got a text from MG asking to come out and drink. She instead invited her to the reception for the play, and said they would hit up a place to drink afterward.
After a boring reception, they headed over to a faux-dive bar with Acrobat, Banana, and JJ in tow. They played pool, coupled off and switched around when the mood suited them. All in all it was a fun time despite the temporary awkwardness of the recently split up of Banana and Acrobat.
MG and Acrobat were engaged in a deep conversation when she came back over from playing pool with a JJ. She reached out lovingly for MG, when MG recoiled and ran out of the bar.
"What did you say to her?!?" She yelled at Acrobat, who insisted they were just having a conversation about relationships.
She gave her a minute, then went after her. MG was smoking a cigarette and crying. "It's not you at all, I'm sorry. He just has a way of saying things that make you feel like the whole world is caving in, you know?"
She knew.
Soon afterward MG was making out with JJ after saying she wanted to leave. Reluctantly she went with her, and they went for a hamburger so that MG could throw up what she had been drinking that night.
MG slept on her couch until noon the next day.
After a taxidermy head fell off the wall and a vase got smashed by a falling sword, but no one was hurt. In fact, in the face of everything the actors actually seemed to be on top of their lines for the first time ever.
They were in the home stretch when she got a text from MG asking to come out and drink. She instead invited her to the reception for the play, and said they would hit up a place to drink afterward.
After a boring reception, they headed over to a faux-dive bar with Acrobat, Banana, and JJ in tow. They played pool, coupled off and switched around when the mood suited them. All in all it was a fun time despite the temporary awkwardness of the recently split up of Banana and Acrobat.
MG and Acrobat were engaged in a deep conversation when she came back over from playing pool with a JJ. She reached out lovingly for MG, when MG recoiled and ran out of the bar.
"What did you say to her?!?" She yelled at Acrobat, who insisted they were just having a conversation about relationships.
She gave her a minute, then went after her. MG was smoking a cigarette and crying. "It's not you at all, I'm sorry. He just has a way of saying things that make you feel like the whole world is caving in, you know?"
She knew.
Soon afterward MG was making out with JJ after saying she wanted to leave. Reluctantly she went with her, and they went for a hamburger so that MG could throw up what she had been drinking that night.
MG slept on her couch until noon the next day.
Thursday, January 26, 2017
When it Rains, it Floods
The river was rising fast. Rocks she could see that morning were now being covered by the ever increasing current. She was afraid to go and afraid to stay in her building...so she took the coward's way out and stayed. Up on the higher floors she might be trapped, but nothing would be damaged.
The city was in chaos, everyone coming down to the river to watch it rush by, throwing pictures up on social media at alarming rates. KSL had a rehearsal down by the river, and did some live video right at the base of her apartment...but he never texted her or offered to let her stay with him. In fact, only PJ had made an offer for her to stay. Not even BFF had offered her spare room.
She was feeling despondent. Her job was in serious jeopardy, she could be laid off any day now. She had her tonsillectomy scheduled for February, and she just hoped that her health insurance would hold out until then. She was applying everywhere and getting nothing back.
She remembered a saying about how there are only three things in life that make up happiness: Career, Love, and Health...and you could never have all three at the same time. One was always missing.
This time, she felt all three were missing.
She had gone on three dates, and all had deleted their profiles after dating her. What was wrong with them? What was wrong with her?
Right before she had gotten serious with Piz, she went on a single date with a guy she hit it off with right away. She had taken to calling him The Pilot, since he owned his own planes and worked with drones. They went out for AYCE sushi and hit it off right away, as friends. He had sort of fallen off the face of the earth until texting her a Happy New Year, and the conversation had continued from there.
She asked him if their date had been bad, or if there was something that she was doing wrong. He told her no, that he had a great time and she was one of the most normal, yet not boring people he's ever been out with. And he had gone on a lot of bad dates.
It made her feel a little better, as she stood on the balcony and watched them clear the debris from under the bridge as the flood raged on. Goldie did a live stream and she and Super Director provided some commentary.
In the end, nothing close to them got to the point of flooding, and all was okay. She still went to bed wishing something would go right for her.
The city was in chaos, everyone coming down to the river to watch it rush by, throwing pictures up on social media at alarming rates. KSL had a rehearsal down by the river, and did some live video right at the base of her apartment...but he never texted her or offered to let her stay with him. In fact, only PJ had made an offer for her to stay. Not even BFF had offered her spare room.
She was feeling despondent. Her job was in serious jeopardy, she could be laid off any day now. She had her tonsillectomy scheduled for February, and she just hoped that her health insurance would hold out until then. She was applying everywhere and getting nothing back.
She remembered a saying about how there are only three things in life that make up happiness: Career, Love, and Health...and you could never have all three at the same time. One was always missing.
This time, she felt all three were missing.
She had gone on three dates, and all had deleted their profiles after dating her. What was wrong with them? What was wrong with her?
Right before she had gotten serious with Piz, she went on a single date with a guy she hit it off with right away. She had taken to calling him The Pilot, since he owned his own planes and worked with drones. They went out for AYCE sushi and hit it off right away, as friends. He had sort of fallen off the face of the earth until texting her a Happy New Year, and the conversation had continued from there.
She asked him if their date had been bad, or if there was something that she was doing wrong. He told her no, that he had a great time and she was one of the most normal, yet not boring people he's ever been out with. And he had gone on a lot of bad dates.
It made her feel a little better, as she stood on the balcony and watched them clear the debris from under the bridge as the flood raged on. Goldie did a live stream and she and Super Director provided some commentary.
In the end, nothing close to them got to the point of flooding, and all was okay. She still went to bed wishing something would go right for her.
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
The Past You Didn't Leave Behind
"How goes?"
They had just spoken the night before. Usually he would let it cool off for a couple of days. What in the hell was his problem?
"I'm just worried about my show."
"You never sent me anything for the script."
So he sent stuff to her, including a piece that was extremely autobiographical. It included the "relationship" he had lied to her about. The deciding factor for cutting him out of her life.
She had managed to almost forget about it. Reading about it brought it all back. It made her sick that the girl he had accidentally dated had made it into his writing, and she had still...never made an impact on his life.
"That one was hard to read. Maybe just because I know it's true. But because it's true it might ring too true to actually get the laugh in the end. Or the hope. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's still hard for me, your whole "spark" thing. Maybe I'm too close to it. I'm not having a good day. Year. Life. Whatever."
"Just everything. Hard to be at work because it feels like the ax is going to drop any day and I can feel everyone's anxiety. Feeling like I'm too hard to love because I'm a fucking porcupine and I go on dates with guys who them delete their profiles after our first date. If I'm not worthy of employment or love or healthy friendships then what am I even still doing here. You know, the usual."
She took a deep breath and continued.
"Maybe that is why the whole spark thing is hitting me harder than it usually does. Like, we've officially made it to good friends that occasionally fuck but I'm not worthy of anything more. And never will be. Apparently."
"Hard not to take it personally."
"Because you are too close to it. You're also still very much freshly divorced. And a self-identified hypersensitive. A lot of the relationship stuff that often is brushed off by others is gonna be painful for you."
"The divorce is in the works, and the feelings are long gone. Were gone long before you made it onto the scene."
They had just spoken the night before. Usually he would let it cool off for a couple of days. What in the hell was his problem?
"I'm just worried about my show."
"You never sent me anything for the script."
So he sent stuff to her, including a piece that was extremely autobiographical. It included the "relationship" he had lied to her about. The deciding factor for cutting him out of her life.
She had managed to almost forget about it. Reading about it brought it all back. It made her sick that the girl he had accidentally dated had made it into his writing, and she had still...never made an impact on his life.
"Any of the scripts your favorite?"
"That one was hard to read. Maybe just because I know it's true. But because it's true it might ring too true to actually get the laugh in the end. Or the hope. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's still hard for me, your whole "spark" thing. Maybe I'm too close to it. I'm not having a good day. Year. Life. Whatever."
"What's going on?"
"Just everything. Hard to be at work because it feels like the ax is going to drop any day and I can feel everyone's anxiety. Feeling like I'm too hard to love because I'm a fucking porcupine and I go on dates with guys who them delete their profiles after our first date. If I'm not worthy of employment or love or healthy friendships then what am I even still doing here. You know, the usual."
She took a deep breath and continued.
"Maybe that is why the whole spark thing is hitting me harder than it usually does. Like, we've officially made it to good friends that occasionally fuck but I'm not worthy of anything more. And never will be. Apparently."
"It has nothing to do with your worth as a person, as far as you and I are concerned. Please know that."
"Hard not to take it personally."
"Because you are too close to it. You're also still very much freshly divorced. And a self-identified hypersensitive. A lot of the relationship stuff that often is brushed off by others is gonna be painful for you."
"The divorce is in the works, and the feelings are long gone. Were gone long before you made it onto the scene."
"Wasn't suggesting that it had anything to do with love. More the social stigma that comes with it. The fact that you have had to be strong for so long makes you more sensitive to all the bullshit baggage that comes with the dating world."
"I don't think this is regular bullshit baggage. I think most people just date. Or fuck. Or be friends. But hey, maybe it's just normal for you."
***
MG saw the bruise on her arm later that day. She was caught, and told her that she had slept with KSL on New Years. She didn't tell her about any of the times before, and swore her to secrecy. She hoped to God that she didn't tell anyone.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
The Way the Wind Blows
"What are we doing?" seemed to suddenly be a reoccurring theme in her love life. She had asked it in her marriage, when she started with KSL, with Piz, and again now with KSL.
KSL. She'd now had sex with him just as many times inside of their agreement as outside of it. I guess it sort of made them even. They had both initiated it an equal number of times.
Maybe that made it time to stop. Or at least made it so they went in a different direction.
He had been liking her Instagram posts, but hadn't made contact with her since the text that he got home okay. She had un-followed him on Facebook and blocked him from popping up on her messenger sidebar. Again. She just didn't want to be the first one to reach out, or get clingy, or anything like that.
She felt they had reached a turning point, but she was unsure what that turning point was. She hadn't quite made up her mind. They had gotten closer, and it was feeling more romantic than ever.
And yet...she knew it wasn't how it would be if he actually had romantic feelings for her. They had the best time when they were together, and she obviously liked him more than just friends.
Did she want a relationship with him? Did she want to just cut ties and run? Was it just because of the new year that she felt she had to make a decision one way or the other?
"As you know my advice would be just to try to find a way to enjoy it and not expect more out of it, but I know with your past feelings that's not easy. So you do you girl!" Goldie texted her.
Could she just be okay with mindlessly having sex with him and letting it continue to skirt the edges of a relationship? Could he?
She flashed back to the last few months, them hanging out, him telling her about flirtations he's had with girls, her telling him she didn't care because they weren't in a relationship. He would always say that he knew that, but he wanted to let her know.
Was it because he knew about how much she hated lies from him, so he was just revealing everything? Was it because he wanted more of a relationship and knew that couldn't happen with her without some hardcore trust? Maybe it was only because she had threatened to burn their friendship to the ground and invite all their mutual friends to roast marshmallows by it. Either way, it showed that he had changed...for her. She couldn't discount that from her overthinking.
Why did he keep coming back to her? He literally couldn't go more than 72 hours without texting her to check in. She thought back to when he said he was going to "slut spiral." Granted he had sex with two other girls last year that both meant nothing also, but that wasn't exactly a spiral.
He also kept bringing up how he was going to end up alone forever, couldn't be in a relationship, blah blah blah. He kept hammering that point home with her, over and over. Almost if he wanted to ask her. Or, more like he wanted her to ask him.
She had no idea what to do, just knew that something must be done.
KSL. She'd now had sex with him just as many times inside of their agreement as outside of it. I guess it sort of made them even. They had both initiated it an equal number of times.
Maybe that made it time to stop. Or at least made it so they went in a different direction.
He had been liking her Instagram posts, but hadn't made contact with her since the text that he got home okay. She had un-followed him on Facebook and blocked him from popping up on her messenger sidebar. Again. She just didn't want to be the first one to reach out, or get clingy, or anything like that.
She felt they had reached a turning point, but she was unsure what that turning point was. She hadn't quite made up her mind. They had gotten closer, and it was feeling more romantic than ever.
And yet...she knew it wasn't how it would be if he actually had romantic feelings for her. They had the best time when they were together, and she obviously liked him more than just friends.
Did she want a relationship with him? Did she want to just cut ties and run? Was it just because of the new year that she felt she had to make a decision one way or the other?
"As you know my advice would be just to try to find a way to enjoy it and not expect more out of it, but I know with your past feelings that's not easy. So you do you girl!" Goldie texted her.
Could she just be okay with mindlessly having sex with him and letting it continue to skirt the edges of a relationship? Could he?
She flashed back to the last few months, them hanging out, him telling her about flirtations he's had with girls, her telling him she didn't care because they weren't in a relationship. He would always say that he knew that, but he wanted to let her know.
Was it because he knew about how much she hated lies from him, so he was just revealing everything? Was it because he wanted more of a relationship and knew that couldn't happen with her without some hardcore trust? Maybe it was only because she had threatened to burn their friendship to the ground and invite all their mutual friends to roast marshmallows by it. Either way, it showed that he had changed...for her. She couldn't discount that from her overthinking.
Why did he keep coming back to her? He literally couldn't go more than 72 hours without texting her to check in. She thought back to when he said he was going to "slut spiral." Granted he had sex with two other girls last year that both meant nothing also, but that wasn't exactly a spiral.
He also kept bringing up how he was going to end up alone forever, couldn't be in a relationship, blah blah blah. He kept hammering that point home with her, over and over. Almost if he wanted to ask her. Or, more like he wanted her to ask him.
She had no idea what to do, just knew that something must be done.
Monday, January 9, 2017
Rockin' Eve Part 2
KSL walked through the door, and she reintroduced him to Dawn. He hugged JJ, who immediately said he had to leave and took off. Dawn was resting on her bed, and KSL made her a margarita with the booze he had brought. He also gifted her an entire pizza, saying he picked it up at one of his other parties.
They sat down on the couch, and Dawn got up and started gathering her things. She gave Dawn a hug goodbye, and then she and KSL were alone again.
"I swear I didn't do that on purpose. I thought everyone was staying for awhile." She said.
He shrugged it off and sat down with his drink. They slowly descended into being fairly buzzed on their drinks, and he talked about his next show. Around 3AM they drunk dialed his friend who was going to be part of it. He didn't answer of course, so they continued to watch videos and talk.
They got to talking about their lives, and she shared a little but was evasive. She explained her feelings of not feeling desired or wanted. Her spirit animal and the two dates that had deleted their online dating profile. "Even you." She added.
"Me? What about me?" He said, obviously offended.
"Nothing, never mind."
He started talking about how bad he felt about where he was in his life. He confessed he was a little in trouble at work, even though he was doing well there. Everything was coming down on him the same way that it was coming down on her.
She felt compelled...so she kissed him. He kissed her back, but didn't move his hands. "What are you doing?"
"I like kissing you. But not when you aren't playing along."
"Hey, the last few times it's been all me. I'd like you to take charge for once."
Challenge Accepted. She pulled herself to straddle his lap and continued to kiss him while taking off his clothes. He finally gave in and reached under her shirt to remove her bra, then her shirt. She led him over to the bed, but he started to pull her hair. She was trying to get his belt off, but wasn't able to do it.
"I'm sorry, am I distracting you?" He smirked.
"Very much so. This is my rodeo pal, drop the hair."
Her control over the situation was lost a few moments later, when he realized she still had her jeans on and he was completely naked. It got wild with them quickly, and his aggression was almost too much for her to handle. He seemed to want to actually start to have sex, so she stopped him and asked him if she wanted him to grab a condom. He continued to kiss her and come closer and closer.
"KSL? Condom?" She asked again.
He grabbed her and growled into her ear "Not yet. It's my turn to have some fun."
He took over and ravished her for a long time before finally pull her up off the bed to get a condom. The sex was, as always, amazing. It was like he had decided to take over for being the marathon man in her life.
There was no cuddling afterwards, he went straight to the bathroom. She waited her turn, and he was dressed by the time she came out.
"It's like, 7 in the morning. You've been up for over 24 hours. Would you sleep for like an hour or something before driving home."
"Actually, that kind of invigorated me. I feel like I've had an energy drink or something. She put her head to his chest, and his heart was indeed pumping very hard.
"Look, you got me a little this time." He said, pointing out a small bruise forming on the inside of his arm. "I got you a little too," he said, pointing to her shoulder. She looked down and frowned.
"No...that's my...my birthmark. It's always been there." She was more than a little shocked that he had never noticed it before, considering how many times he had spent with his mouth over it. Piz had noticed it one of their first nights together.
"Hey, maybe I can beat the sun home." Sunrise was fast approaching outside her giant wall of window.
She walked him to the door, and he hugged her goodbye. Knowing this might very well be the last time, she kept his embrace, looked up and him and said "Hey" so he was looking at her. She tapped her finger to her lips, indicating a good bye kiss.
He pretended not to understand for a minute, then bent down and they shared a single kiss. They'd never done that before, it had always lead to making out.
"Happy New Year." She said after they parted. He echoed her sentiment, without any awkwardness or dread behind his tone. Maybe they had made it to their plateau.
He texted her that he was home safe 20 minutes later, and she fell asleep. At least her year was off to a multi-orgasm start.
They sat down on the couch, and Dawn got up and started gathering her things. She gave Dawn a hug goodbye, and then she and KSL were alone again.
"I swear I didn't do that on purpose. I thought everyone was staying for awhile." She said.
He shrugged it off and sat down with his drink. They slowly descended into being fairly buzzed on their drinks, and he talked about his next show. Around 3AM they drunk dialed his friend who was going to be part of it. He didn't answer of course, so they continued to watch videos and talk.
They got to talking about their lives, and she shared a little but was evasive. She explained her feelings of not feeling desired or wanted. Her spirit animal and the two dates that had deleted their online dating profile. "Even you." She added.
"Me? What about me?" He said, obviously offended.
"Nothing, never mind."
He started talking about how bad he felt about where he was in his life. He confessed he was a little in trouble at work, even though he was doing well there. Everything was coming down on him the same way that it was coming down on her.
She felt compelled...so she kissed him. He kissed her back, but didn't move his hands. "What are you doing?"
"I like kissing you. But not when you aren't playing along."
"Hey, the last few times it's been all me. I'd like you to take charge for once."
Challenge Accepted. She pulled herself to straddle his lap and continued to kiss him while taking off his clothes. He finally gave in and reached under her shirt to remove her bra, then her shirt. She led him over to the bed, but he started to pull her hair. She was trying to get his belt off, but wasn't able to do it.
"I'm sorry, am I distracting you?" He smirked.
"Very much so. This is my rodeo pal, drop the hair."
Her control over the situation was lost a few moments later, when he realized she still had her jeans on and he was completely naked. It got wild with them quickly, and his aggression was almost too much for her to handle. He seemed to want to actually start to have sex, so she stopped him and asked him if she wanted him to grab a condom. He continued to kiss her and come closer and closer.
"KSL? Condom?" She asked again.
He grabbed her and growled into her ear "Not yet. It's my turn to have some fun."
He took over and ravished her for a long time before finally pull her up off the bed to get a condom. The sex was, as always, amazing. It was like he had decided to take over for being the marathon man in her life.
There was no cuddling afterwards, he went straight to the bathroom. She waited her turn, and he was dressed by the time she came out.
"It's like, 7 in the morning. You've been up for over 24 hours. Would you sleep for like an hour or something before driving home."
"Actually, that kind of invigorated me. I feel like I've had an energy drink or something. She put her head to his chest, and his heart was indeed pumping very hard.
"Look, you got me a little this time." He said, pointing out a small bruise forming on the inside of his arm. "I got you a little too," he said, pointing to her shoulder. She looked down and frowned.
"No...that's my...my birthmark. It's always been there." She was more than a little shocked that he had never noticed it before, considering how many times he had spent with his mouth over it. Piz had noticed it one of their first nights together.
"Hey, maybe I can beat the sun home." Sunrise was fast approaching outside her giant wall of window.
She walked him to the door, and he hugged her goodbye. Knowing this might very well be the last time, she kept his embrace, looked up and him and said "Hey" so he was looking at her. She tapped her finger to her lips, indicating a good bye kiss.
He pretended not to understand for a minute, then bent down and they shared a single kiss. They'd never done that before, it had always lead to making out.
"Happy New Year." She said after they parted. He echoed her sentiment, without any awkwardness or dread behind his tone. Maybe they had made it to their plateau.
He texted her that he was home safe 20 minutes later, and she fell asleep. At least her year was off to a multi-orgasm start.
Friday, January 6, 2017
Rockin' Eve Part 1
Dawn walked in and was unable to sit down. She was agitated, very upset. As the countdown show raged behind her, she cried about her new relationship. He was spending time with his ex again, and had just invited her to use the mediation app that was their "thing." She was hurt, and wasn't sure that she could get past it.
They had been dating three months. It hit her as she was talking that their first kiss was the end of her and Piz. Three months and she still wasn't over him. How embarrassing. She decided then and there that it was time to stop. She needed to completely put Piz out of her mind and stop letting him have a hold on her heart.
She comforted Dawn, who calmed down after awhile and managed to enjoy herself a little bit as they chatted and snacked on Dawn's vegan cheese. She got a call from Goldie, who lived on the wrong side of the building for fireworks and wanted to come over for the count down with her husband and dog. She agreed, and 15 minutes before midnight, MG said she was heading over and had invited a mutual friend, JJ.
Her introvert New Year's Eve had blown up in her face. She'd never had this many people in her apartment.
They all stepped outside and watched the fireworks rage for almost 20 minutes. They headed back inside and she checked on her phone to see that KSL had texted her "HAPPY NEW YEAR"
She responded in kind and asked if the two parties he was invited to were fun. He said he should have stayed at the first one as it was more fun. Dawn interjected, "You should invite him over, everyone is here!"
So she went against her better judgment and sent off the text "Well still kicking it here with a couple of people."
Before she could send the second text inviting him, he called. She answered, and MG decided it was time for her to leave. She was saying goodbye to MG and KSL took it as her saying goodbye to him and hung up. She texted him after closing the door on MG.
"I was saying goodbye to MG not you silly. So legit I didn't hear a word you said over the phone. I was inviting you over to hang but I guess have a happy new year."
He called a second time. He was close and could head over.
There was a knock at the door, and JJ was on the other side. Goldie and her husband and dog left, so it was just JJ and Dawn. Her party was dwindling, and it was going to look silly when KSL got there.
The doorbell rang.
They had been dating three months. It hit her as she was talking that their first kiss was the end of her and Piz. Three months and she still wasn't over him. How embarrassing. She decided then and there that it was time to stop. She needed to completely put Piz out of her mind and stop letting him have a hold on her heart.
She comforted Dawn, who calmed down after awhile and managed to enjoy herself a little bit as they chatted and snacked on Dawn's vegan cheese. She got a call from Goldie, who lived on the wrong side of the building for fireworks and wanted to come over for the count down with her husband and dog. She agreed, and 15 minutes before midnight, MG said she was heading over and had invited a mutual friend, JJ.
Her introvert New Year's Eve had blown up in her face. She'd never had this many people in her apartment.
They all stepped outside and watched the fireworks rage for almost 20 minutes. They headed back inside and she checked on her phone to see that KSL had texted her "HAPPY NEW YEAR"
She responded in kind and asked if the two parties he was invited to were fun. He said he should have stayed at the first one as it was more fun. Dawn interjected, "You should invite him over, everyone is here!"
So she went against her better judgment and sent off the text "Well still kicking it here with a couple of people."
Before she could send the second text inviting him, he called. She answered, and MG decided it was time for her to leave. She was saying goodbye to MG and KSL took it as her saying goodbye to him and hung up. She texted him after closing the door on MG.
"I was saying goodbye to MG not you silly. So legit I didn't hear a word you said over the phone. I was inviting you over to hang but I guess have a happy new year."
He called a second time. He was close and could head over.
There was a knock at the door, and JJ was on the other side. Goldie and her husband and dog left, so it was just JJ and Dawn. Her party was dwindling, and it was going to look silly when KSL got there.
The doorbell rang.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Quixotic
"Caught up in the Romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals; idealistic without regard to practicality."
She had a "When Harry Met Sally" style fantasy. She would be spending New Year's Eve alone, watching the ball drop and gearing up to the watch the downtown fireworks from her balcony. Just before midnight, her doorbell would ring.
He would be standing there, and an electric moment would pass between them. They would kiss, and she would know they were meant to be together, that he was finally in it for the semi-long haul.
It would be either Piz or KSL, waiting to give her the speech. They couldn't spend another moment apart from her, and wanted to be with her. Only her.
She wasn't sure which she wanted to be at her door more. It didn't much matter, since it wasn't going to happen. Not with Piz, not with KSL...not with her ex. She would spend the evening with Dawn and MG, they would go home, and she would cry herself to sleep.
The truth was, she wouldn't end up getting to sleep until 7:00 AM.
She had a "When Harry Met Sally" style fantasy. She would be spending New Year's Eve alone, watching the ball drop and gearing up to the watch the downtown fireworks from her balcony. Just before midnight, her doorbell would ring.
He would be standing there, and an electric moment would pass between them. They would kiss, and she would know they were meant to be together, that he was finally in it for the semi-long haul.
It would be either Piz or KSL, waiting to give her the speech. They couldn't spend another moment apart from her, and wanted to be with her. Only her.
She wasn't sure which she wanted to be at her door more. It didn't much matter, since it wasn't going to happen. Not with Piz, not with KSL...not with her ex. She would spend the evening with Dawn and MG, they would go home, and she would cry herself to sleep.
The truth was, she wouldn't end up getting to sleep until 7:00 AM.
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
Christmas Spirit Animal
"Acrobat said he had a Christmas present for me and wanted to bring it over. It was a print of what he thought my 'spirit animal' should be." Banana said.
"So, what was it?" She asked.
"A wolverine."
To be fair, Banana had broken Acrobat's heart. After only a month of dating she got sick of him. She broke up with him, and he was devastated by it. She had talked to him one night, and his thoughts of being able to just be tossed aside mirrored her feelings of being left by Piz. Acrobat had clammed up hard after a few minutes of talking however, and they hadn't really spoken since.
She sent him a basic "Merry Christmas" text, and he returned the favor and asked what she was doing that day. "I have something to drop off to you. Just a small Christmas gift."
She texted Banana and Melody. "It's like a real life Buzzfeed quiz. I wonder what spirit animal I'll get."
Acrobat knocked on her door later, he had been across the hall having Christmas dinner with his brother-in-law. He gave her a hug and presented her the art with a devious smile.
"I just went through and thought of everyone and picked one out for my closest friends."
"We're friends? I can't even get you to go out for a drink with me!"
"Just look at it."
It was an adorable little sketch, and under it the words "Penny the Porcupine"
Prickly. A Rodent. Quills on the outside that shoot at anything that comes near them. Who would ever love a porcupine?
"You sure know how to be heavy handed with your commentary Acrobat."
She could barely keep it together and seem grateful, putting it up next to his modeling picture on the wall. Not more than a few minutes after he left, BFF came over to gloat over her new ring. She wouldn't shut up about how many people already wanted to help her and how overwhelming it all was. Her being stressed out over something that should be really happy for her only made the situation even more depressing.
She finally left, and her studio was her own again. Suddenly the emptiness of it made her feel hollow. Like a quill from a porcupine.
Her phone rang, it was MG asking how her Christmas had gone. She thought of the radio silence from KSL, the two dates she had that deleted their profiles after going on a date with her, and her new Spirit Animal. It was all coming to a head.
"Apparently I'm a porcupine; a prickly personality who no one will ever love. Hopeless."
"I'm coming over with some wine."
"So, what was it?" She asked.
"A wolverine."
To be fair, Banana had broken Acrobat's heart. After only a month of dating she got sick of him. She broke up with him, and he was devastated by it. She had talked to him one night, and his thoughts of being able to just be tossed aside mirrored her feelings of being left by Piz. Acrobat had clammed up hard after a few minutes of talking however, and they hadn't really spoken since.
She sent him a basic "Merry Christmas" text, and he returned the favor and asked what she was doing that day. "I have something to drop off to you. Just a small Christmas gift."
She texted Banana and Melody. "It's like a real life Buzzfeed quiz. I wonder what spirit animal I'll get."
Acrobat knocked on her door later, he had been across the hall having Christmas dinner with his brother-in-law. He gave her a hug and presented her the art with a devious smile.
"I just went through and thought of everyone and picked one out for my closest friends."
"We're friends? I can't even get you to go out for a drink with me!"
"Just look at it."
It was an adorable little sketch, and under it the words "Penny the Porcupine"
Prickly. A Rodent. Quills on the outside that shoot at anything that comes near them. Who would ever love a porcupine?
"You sure know how to be heavy handed with your commentary Acrobat."
She could barely keep it together and seem grateful, putting it up next to his modeling picture on the wall. Not more than a few minutes after he left, BFF came over to gloat over her new ring. She wouldn't shut up about how many people already wanted to help her and how overwhelming it all was. Her being stressed out over something that should be really happy for her only made the situation even more depressing.
She finally left, and her studio was her own again. Suddenly the emptiness of it made her feel hollow. Like a quill from a porcupine.
Her phone rang, it was MG asking how her Christmas had gone. She thought of the radio silence from KSL, the two dates she had that deleted their profiles after going on a date with her, and her new Spirit Animal. It was all coming to a head.
"Apparently I'm a porcupine; a prickly personality who no one will ever love. Hopeless."
"I'm coming over with some wine."
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
High School Dating
"Well I would take you right now if you wanted. But almost all the seats at IMAX are sold out. I just checked."
Nothing like a last minute invite to the new Star Wars movie to warm a girl's heart.
"Well if you want to wait for Rogue One until Thursday I could treat you to that. Or we could pretend we're in high school again and do some mini golf somewhere. I think that could be a good laugh. The movie is gonna be us staring at a movie screen with me wishing I could kiss you. Or mini golf is where I attempt to make a fool of myself at flirting with you. You may choose your awkwardness."
She actually got this guy's name before accepting a "High School themed date" with him. He had already seen the movie, and she hadn't been mini golfing in a long time. He made jokes about "helping" her with her golf swing, and said it was a good way to "feel each other out" and they already passed the sarcasm test.
As it turned out, he didn't pass the "in person" test. He was painfully shy and barely spoke to her throughout the whole course. She tried to start conversations, and though he was friendly, he didn't exactly hold up his end. As they were heading back she motioned to the go karts and said that she'd always wanted to try the fast ones. He offered to buy them a race, and she said it was too expensive.
"I don't mind, it's no big deal. Let's do a race."
He walked her through getting a fresh "head sock" and picking out a helmet. She tried on a medium, and as soon as her head was in she started to panic and ripped it off. She always managed to forget about her claustrophobia until this kind of situation presented itself.
"We don't have to do this." He said, after she had explained her issue.
"No, no...it'll pass. I'm good."
"Go for the larger helmet."
She did, and he buckled the chin strap for her, but she was still freaking out a little bit. She put her glasses on through the eye shield and got strapped into the kart that could go 45 miles per hour. It was about halfway though when she finally got the hang of it and started whipping around corners and having fun. The wind coupled with the face that she couldn't breathe through her nose left her with a terrible sore throat.
"So what now?" He asked as they walked out into the cold.
She was sort of done with carrying on a one sided conversation, so she said she had some Christmas presents to deliver and made her exit.
"Sure, I get it...I mean, it's the season." He said, slightly dejected.
"Yeah. I had fun though, I know it doesn't sound like it because my throat is wrecked, but it was fun!"
"Yeah."
A day later he had deleted his online dating profile.
Nothing like a last minute invite to the new Star Wars movie to warm a girl's heart.
"Well if you want to wait for Rogue One until Thursday I could treat you to that. Or we could pretend we're in high school again and do some mini golf somewhere. I think that could be a good laugh. The movie is gonna be us staring at a movie screen with me wishing I could kiss you. Or mini golf is where I attempt to make a fool of myself at flirting with you. You may choose your awkwardness."
She actually got this guy's name before accepting a "High School themed date" with him. He had already seen the movie, and she hadn't been mini golfing in a long time. He made jokes about "helping" her with her golf swing, and said it was a good way to "feel each other out" and they already passed the sarcasm test.
As it turned out, he didn't pass the "in person" test. He was painfully shy and barely spoke to her throughout the whole course. She tried to start conversations, and though he was friendly, he didn't exactly hold up his end. As they were heading back she motioned to the go karts and said that she'd always wanted to try the fast ones. He offered to buy them a race, and she said it was too expensive.
"I don't mind, it's no big deal. Let's do a race."
He walked her through getting a fresh "head sock" and picking out a helmet. She tried on a medium, and as soon as her head was in she started to panic and ripped it off. She always managed to forget about her claustrophobia until this kind of situation presented itself.
"We don't have to do this." He said, after she had explained her issue.
"No, no...it'll pass. I'm good."
"Go for the larger helmet."
She did, and he buckled the chin strap for her, but she was still freaking out a little bit. She put her glasses on through the eye shield and got strapped into the kart that could go 45 miles per hour. It was about halfway though when she finally got the hang of it and started whipping around corners and having fun. The wind coupled with the face that she couldn't breathe through her nose left her with a terrible sore throat.
"So what now?" He asked as they walked out into the cold.
She was sort of done with carrying on a one sided conversation, so she said she had some Christmas presents to deliver and made her exit.
"Sure, I get it...I mean, it's the season." He said, slightly dejected.
"Yeah. I had fun though, I know it doesn't sound like it because my throat is wrecked, but it was fun!"
"Yeah."
A day later he had deleted his online dating profile.
Monday, January 2, 2017
Romance is Dead
"It was...romantic. It was a romantic evening. We shared a blanket and watched the moon rise. He shut off all the lights so we could see the moon. We made each other laugh until our cheeks actually hurt. It's never romantic like that, and it threw me for a loop. I don't know what to think, because now it's just hardcore radio silence. It was full on boyfriend/girlfriend status, and now nothing. Which, to be fair, is typical of him when we get too close."
PJ took it all in as she spoke. He picked up his white Bic lighter and held it in-between his rough fingers.
"Pretend this is a magic wand. What do you want to have happen?"
She took a deep breath. "It's so hard to answer that. I know we wouldn't work out. I know it. It would be an emotional shitshow from beginning to end. I'd always think he was cheating. Eventually I'd be right. We've already hurt each other almost as badly as you can without being romantically involved. We've been brutal to each other. I can't imagine how bad we would get if there were feelings involved. Well, more than mine anyway."
PJ kept silent. He knew she was going to go the other direction.
"There is a lot of caring there too. I mean, he would have been out the door the first time we had sex if there hadn't been any feelings about me right?" PJ nodded, agreeing with her statement. He took a deep breath before he responded.
"I'm just trying to take it all in. He does have feelings for you, he cares for you, clearly. But...at times it just seems like a toxic relationship."
Maybe, for the new year, she needed to give up on KSL.
PJ took it all in as she spoke. He picked up his white Bic lighter and held it in-between his rough fingers.
"Pretend this is a magic wand. What do you want to have happen?"
She took a deep breath. "It's so hard to answer that. I know we wouldn't work out. I know it. It would be an emotional shitshow from beginning to end. I'd always think he was cheating. Eventually I'd be right. We've already hurt each other almost as badly as you can without being romantically involved. We've been brutal to each other. I can't imagine how bad we would get if there were feelings involved. Well, more than mine anyway."
PJ kept silent. He knew she was going to go the other direction.
"There is a lot of caring there too. I mean, he would have been out the door the first time we had sex if there hadn't been any feelings about me right?" PJ nodded, agreeing with her statement. He took a deep breath before he responded.
"I'm just trying to take it all in. He does have feelings for you, he cares for you, clearly. But...at times it just seems like a toxic relationship."
Maybe, for the new year, she needed to give up on KSL.
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